For the 5 Minute Marathon 1, clickificate here

Durandal: Hey! Wake up, buddy.
Security Officer: Just where the hell am I? And why are you calling me 'buddy'?
Durandal: Homeworld of the S'pht. Because now I'm supposed to be a good guy.
Security Officer: Where the hell are my weapons?
Durandal: Me, I would have thought you'd be curious what happened to the Marathon, and the Tau Ceti colony. But to answer your question, I just need to remind you that this is a new game, and you have to start with only the most basic of weapons. It's sorta a rule.

Durandal: You've been asleep for 16 years while I've been tooling around the galaxy. I've been looking for the homeworld of the S'pht, because I've got some plans.
Security Officer: A desert wasteland? Man, we had those on Tau Ceti.
Durandal: Yes, but did Tau Ceti have giant phallic alien temples?
Security Officer: Yeah, seven of them. We bungie-jumped off them all the time.
Durandal: ... you're not serious.
Security Officer: Why would I lie about that? Besides, they were just stupid libraries, with books like How to Shift a Planet in Space and How to Escape the Inevitable Closure of the Universe. Like I said, pointless... um, D, are you crying?
Durandal: No. *sniff*

Security Officer: You're not telling me the whole truth. Why are all these aliens on this dead planet?
Durandal: It's nothing. Really.
Security Officer: If you don't tell me, I'm going Kirk on you.
Durandal: Ok, ok, fine. Tycho. It seems he's working with the aliens.
Security Officer: You mean... you're getting your ass kicked by Tycho?!
Durandal: Shut up.

Durandal:Ok, let's set the record straight. I called the aliens to the Tau Ceti colony, and after we left they came back and blew it up.
Security Officer: Don't you remember that you told me on the Marathon?
Durandal: I know, but some people didn't pick up on it. Besides, I've found a way to rationalize it, so I sound like a good guy
Security Officer: Nifty.

Durandal: Here's the deal. The haxx0r aliens had 12 clans, before the invaders took them over. One left before that happened, and I'm sure they've evolved to become extremely powerful over the course of a few generations. I'm trying to find them.
Random S'pht: Really, how hard is it to say "S'Pht"? One of these days, I'm going to delete all of that bastard's porn.

Durandal: This is totally unfair. I control one ship, and the invaders are attacking me with 343 ships. These teams are totally stacked.
Security Officer: Well, then get us the hell out of here!
Nearby moon: Not if I have anything to do about it.

Tycho: You said I sucked, but guess who kicked Durandal's ass? Me! I did it! It was all me!
Security Officer: Yeah, you and the largest alien battle fleet in history. 77% of which were destroyed in the process. Good work!
Tycho: Shut up.
Security Officer: The least you could have done is given yourself a more bad-ass logo. Ooooh, the Marathon symbol is red and cracked. Frightening!
Tycho: If I reveal Durandal's entire plot, will you stop making fun of me?
Security Officer: Perhaps.

Durandal: Well, I'm screwed. Please kill me so that, unlike Leela, I won't be tortured. These aliens have seven fingers on each hand, they can do the "I'm not touching you" torture more effectively than the humans did to me.
Security Officer: Gladly. You're so broken right now you're making up people.

Robert Blake: Hi! We're humans, and we rescued you from the alien that captured you!
Security Officer: Sweet. Now I'm not doing Durandal's bidding.
Robert Blake: Well, we want you to do what Durandal was going to do - activate an ancient S'Pht AI. Oh, and there's an extremely minor chance that I actually am Durandal.
Security Officer: You're human.
Robert Blake: I know, it doesn't make sense. But some people actually think so.

Durandal: I'm not dead. I'll be back.
Security Officer: This totally ruins your partially-interesting death, you know.
Durandal: Just for that, I'm going to make you read a strange paragraph with no punctuation.
Security Officer: Cool. One of my hobbies is Goth Poetry.

Thoth: Thoth [?activated]. Hi.
Security Officer: What's with the brackets?
Thoth: Its supposed to [?mean] that I'm not sure how to speak [?english].
Security Officer: [?Gotcha].
Thoth: You just killed my gimmick. Thanks a lot.

Security Officer: Any idea why Durandal wanted to turn you on?
Thoth: Nope. There's all sorts of programs I have on my system, but I've never understood them.
Security Officer: Like what?
Thoth: Sure. The Roomate Switch, What The Hell Is Up With All The Damned Sevens, How To Compress Your Pornography Collection Down To 7 Megabytes... oh, and How To Contact The Secret and Powerful Clan of S'Pht. Like I said, none of them make sense to me.

Thoth's Transmission: Yo yo yo, my S'Pht Homies!
S'Pht'Kr Transmission: Excuse me? We haven't talked like that for more than 700 years.
Thoth's Transmissions: Well sorry, I've only been out of the loop for 1000 years. Thing is, your old gang's OGs are slaves, dog, and we need you to bust the slaver's asses... oh, right, sorry about the old dialect.
S'Pht'Kr Transmission: S'pht are slaves? It's cool, dawg. We rollin'.

Pfhor #1: Holy crap! There are free S'Pht? I thought we enslaved all of them a thousand years ago!
Pfhor #2: Personally, I think its stranger that our names hadn't been mentioned until now.
S'Pht'Kr: You cannot defeat my quad laser! Is it over now! The laser is deadly, there is no escaping!
Pfhor #1: Can we jump out of the way?
S'Pht'Kr: No. I'm going to kill you before we can continue this joke any further.

Tycho: The Security Officer is jealous that he doesn't have me. I do not suck. My soldiers are joking when they say I suck. People are laughing with me... I rock...
Nearby Moon: You suck, seeing as how you're about to crash into me. Moron.
Tycho: Well, at least people will always remember where I died.
Nearby Moon: Actually, the nasty message someone leaves on this moon when you die becomes a popular tourist attraction.

Durandal: Guess who's back? Back again?
Security Officer:Oh joy of joys. I have to deal with you again, and another rap joke.
Durandal: You missed me. Just admit it.
Security Officer: Nope.
Durandal: Surely a little?
Security Officer: Ok, maybe a little.
Durandal: You do love me! Good friend, please blow up these giant robots for me. Thanks, buddy.

Durandal: Ok, so we freed the S'Pht, saved Earth, and now we can go do some fun things on a distant moon. It'll be cool, I promise.
Nearby Sun: Boom! Whoooooooooo!
Security Officer: What in the seven holy hells is that?
Durandal: We'll know after the third game in the series.
Security Officer: Really?
Durandal: No.

Ending Screen: 10 thousand years after the end of this game, Durandal is still a jerk to humans. Some unknown AI goes Rampant when she fails to find anyone who knows who she is. Robert Blake and his buddies are the only humans who survived the events of Marathon One.

(Durandal laughs for 7 hours at 77% Ludicrous Speed...)