Intro

This is my story of my delusions and how I have learned to deal with them.  It starts in my early teenage years, and continues to the present year.  This is an excerpt from my autobiography, and though many details and unrelated facts were withheld, it is a very detailed account.  In my word processor, it takes about 25 pages.  If this is too much for you to take in, there is a short version below the table of contents on this page.  Just scroll down to read it.  It is about 2 pages long.  

A couple of notes before you begin.  One is that since my primary delusion involved Cyndi Lauper, I spend a great deal of time on her, in the story.  Also, I spend a considerable amount of time on the subject of religion, and demons.  In the story, I express opinions both for believing these things, and later for disbelieving them.  The descriptions are not excessively graphic, and should not be offensive, but If you are particularly sensitive to these subjects, perhaps you won't want to read this.  Then there are some very mild references to sexuality.  None of this is graphic.  

If you are a fellow Cyndi Lauper fan, you will be pleased to know that I have recently updated this to give relevant references to specific Cyndi material in my story.  But this story really isn't about Cyndi.  It is about my obsession with her, and my inability to distinguish reality regarding her in the 80s, as well as the other problems arising by my inability to distinguish reality in other areas.   

If you are a schizophrenic, or have some similar diagnosis or problems, many of the things in this story may seem overly obvious as to why they were happening.  But, I was indeed knee-deep in my delusions, and refused to consider another reality at the time.  Also, if you are not a Cyndi fan, I apologize for all the references to her music and career which will likely be useless to you.  Of course you could use these references as incentive to give her a listen... she's really very good.  =>  Ok, enough playing around.  On to the story

Table of Contents (Or scroll down for the short version)

Chapter 00 - Foreword 

Chapter 01 - Cyndi

Chapter 02 - Mental History Before Cyndi

Chapter 03 - Cyndi Becomes My Goddess

Chapter 04 - Programming

Chapter 05 - Bondage

Chapter 06 - Sacrifices and Betrayal

Chapter 07 - Out Of The Frying Pan

Chapter 08 - Cyndi’s Transformation

Chapter 09 - Salvation?

Chapter 10 - Wife Support

Chapter 11 - Logic and Reason

Chapter 12 - Returning to Cyndi

Chapter 13 - Passion

Chapter 14 - Flirting with Insanity

Chapter 15 - She Held My Hand and She Sang To Me

Here is the short version:

I began pursuing Cyndi's career when I was 13, in 1984. Like so many others, I felt like I could relate to her, because I was a social outcast in school, and because my home life was going very badly. I did things differently from everyone I knew, and it seemed nobody understood me. I became a fanatic fairly quickly. I was always looking for the next article, or single, or anything by Cyndi. 

But for me, it quickly became much more than being a fanatic. I was searching for God at the time, or better yet, searching to get away from God. I felt that if God was so forgiving, he would let me go my own way, and let me back in later if I couldn't find it. So I was deliberately looking for a god or goddess to worship. Like anything I do, I researched my options. I did cursory research on every god and goddess I could find information on from all eras and cultures. I did more detailed research on the few I thought might fit my needs and lifestyle. I found nothing. I ultimately decided that I didn't have to follow a sanctioned religion, and turned my fanaticism for Cyndi into my own religion. 

I spent more time viewing and listening to Cyndi than I did anything else, including sleep. I started noticing withdrawal symptoms if I went without Cyndi for any length of time. After a while, I found my limbs moving on their own when I would get close to her pictures and when listening to her music. It was weird, but very addicting. I assumed it was her communicating with me somehow. Later, I could hear her voice in my head. And then I started having out of body experiences. There is more, but you get the idea. 

I know this sounds so far-fetched nobody could have believed that, but this happened over a course of years. I didn't just come up with all of this in a day. And, I didn't talk about it because nobody understood me, so I didn't have anybody talking me out of my beliefs. I had made my own little world. 

Somewhere along the way, I started feeling ecstasy from any contact with Cyndi's stuff. It was better than sex. It was better than any drugs I had ever done (I have been clean for 11 years, now). Even when this "Cyndi" in my head started telling me to do things I knew Cyndi would never tell me to do, I couldn't let go. 

One such thing was suicide. I made serious attempts at suicide 2 times because I believed I would be reincarnated as her daughter. I tried on other occasions, for other reasons, but none were as serious as these 2 attempts. I was institutionalized, and went to ongoing therapy for some time after the first attempt. The True Colors tour was in between these suicide attempts, and I was again institutionalized in order to prevent me from going to that concert. They had believed I intended to attempt suicide AT the concert. I would have never done that. It never even crossed my mind. By this time, I was already looking for reasons to believe it was not Cyndi in my head, and had a specific plan to tell me if I was wrong. I was going to throw something on stage with my phone number and a keyword I believed was significant enough to the Cyndi in my mind. If she knew what it meant, she would call me. But since I never got to go and find out, I had to continue believing in her until I could find out another way. 

I felt an incredible sense of betrayal over my having been denied access to the concert. I had tickets! She was my goddess! They were denying my right to religion! I still have had troubles forgiving my mother for reporting my pre-concert depression. I felt I was preparing by becoming depressed so I would feel the good feelings more intensely. I have certainly never forgiven the mental health system for interfering in my life like that. They said they cared about my well being, but they would let me go dispel my delusions. 

I still believed whatever was happening to me must have been real because of how powerful it was in my life. It was too intelligent and too devious to be a part of me. If it was real, it would have to be someone, or some thing that was wicked enough to impersonate Cyndi to get me to do things I would not have done otherwise. I ultimately figured it was a demon. 

The movie Vibes came out, and I went to see it. Vibes was strange for me. It was like it was written for me, alone. Sylvia Pickel was a lady who was a loner as a child, who had out of body experiences, and met another lady who talked to her inside her head. At the end of the movie, her friend had to leave her, but was replaced by another. In my mind, this matched my situation so closely, that I had to consider; Maybe Cyndi did have some kind of part in my mental problems. Maybe this demon had played a part in the writing of the script, or the directing, or something. I never figured it out, but this really helped me continue to believe it was a real and powerful thing that had been playing the part of Cyndi in my mind. 

Since I believed it was a demon, I tried to fight the demon with religion and spirituality, but it never worked. It only made it worse. Confronting it as a demon only made my life a living hell. The demon took a specific form, and told me his name, and so on. 

A few years of that, and 3 churches later, I met my current wife. She was deeply concerned about my problem, and she too confronted it as a demon. I figure it was ultimately her genuine concern and acceptance of me as a person which eventually made this thing fade away. For a long time, she could only accept that it was her prayers and God's hand that removed the demon.  Either way, after a couple of years with her, I was finally free of my mental torture chamber. 

I didn't understand what was happening then. After 13 years of processing it, I am still not completely sure I know what was happening, but I do know why. These were defense mechanisms for escape. Escape from a rotten home-life. Escape from boredom. Escape from reality. In some ways it was healthy for me to believe these things, but it was mostly dysfunctional. 

I have had extensive therapy over the past 11 years, for unrelated issues. This therapy has helped me to process what I went through as a teenager in a healthy way. It has only been in the past two years that I have felt ready to face this. I had still considered the source of my problems to be demonic up to that point, but since it had not resurfaced, I didn't want to wake the beast, so to speak. 

Now, I firmly believe all of my problems were a matter of my coping mechanisms becoming dysfunctional. This is typical of my behavior in other areas. I have a very addictive personality. I don't know how to do things in moderation. If something works for me, I use it extensively. My tools often break while I am using them. The movie "A Beautiful Mind" has a lot of similarities to my life. I do not know if I am schizophrenic, but I match a lot of the symptoms. 

I decided I wanted to start listening to Cyndi again for several reasons. One, I no longer believe it was a spiritual problem, so my original reason for not listening is gone. Two, I thoroughly enjoy everything about Cyndi. I would not have become obsessed if I did not. And Three, I felt like I was running from my problems. It was a good thing for me to avoid Cyndi when I did, but I have beaten all the rest of my problems in my life by facing them head-on. Why should I keep running from this one? Plus, since the rest of my problems were taken care of, I felt like I needed a challenge. I had even started listening to all the music that reminded me of Cyndi. 

I have been prepared to view and listen to Cyndi for the past year, but I have not done so, because my wife was so afraid I would not be able to handle it. I did start listening again in July of 2002. When I first started listening again I experienced many of the same physical symptoms I felt before. But I have been able to keep it under control because I knew that it was my own reaction, and not some outside force. I figured out how to control my responses. 

It was quite interesting to catch up on 13 years of Cyndi, all at once. Listening to her newer stuff was like listening to a completely different person. The old stuff made me react much more so than the new stuff. 

Cyndi came to Denver in concert, and CD signing, within a couple of weeks after I started listening to her music again. I knew I was not ready, and I heeded the advice of friends and relatives who reminded me that I was not ready. It was still a very difficult decision not to go. 

I have been hesitant to start rebuilding my collection because I might, some day, decide that I will not be able to continue listening to Cyndi, and I will have to get rid of my stuff again. But, if I do that, at least this time, I will be able to sell it. Oh, that reminds me, when I got rid of all my stuff the first time, I strongly believed I had cursed it, spiritually. So selling it was not an option for me. It had to be destroyed. It was horrible. I remember kissing her pictures and saying goodbye with tears in my eyes before I burned the pictures. I had to break the albums, including the Blue Angel, and the She's So Unusual picture disc! It was like killing my children. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, I don't regret the choice I made, because I would not have been able to clean up my life with my obsession the way it was. 

Now, I am obsessed, but I can tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I still have problems with this, and that is the main reason I am so active on the Cyndi message boards. I am looking for a few people I can become friends with who will take the time to learn about my problems, and be able to say the right things if I start saying that Cyndi is talking to me. I have found a few of those people. 

In 2003, I was invited to be a moderator of a message board dedicated to Cyndi.  There were only 2 or 3 people chatting on the board, and I invited many people.  Now, in 2004 there are at least 10 regulars who talk, about 50 members, and we are doing a world-wide trade ring of non-commercial Cyndi-Stuff.  The list owner was overwhelmed and asked me to moderate since I got the board going.  

I have also discussed my mental problems on some mental health support forums over the course of a few months in 2003.  I already know basic psychology from 16+ years of dealing with the mental health system for one reason or another, 11 years unrelated to this problem.  So, finding some other people who have dealt with this kind of problem was fantastic.  

In addition to fellow survivors, I found one person who was very knowledgeable about schizophrenia because she has dealt with schizophrenics for years.  She used to be anti-med, but is now pro-med because of extensive personal research.  I respect her for that, much more than I respect doctors who are pro-med because they have financial incentive to do so.  Anyway, she told me some things that were very scary.  Basically, it comes down to a very real possibility that my pleasure center could severely inhibit my ability to function in daily life in the future if I don't medicate myself now.  But, as much as it scares me, I cannot let go of what I have, and I could not bring myself to submit to therapy and drugs again for any reason.  

I did finally go to see Cyndi in concert in July of 2003.  It was disappointing because I still had expectations I could not let go of, and because much of my motivation in going was to reinforce it in my mind that she was human, and not aware of me.  

I decided to not try to communicate my past with her.  The majority of my issues are resolved, and I could not see where it would significantly benefit her.  Besides, meeting her in that capacity would inevitably raise my expectations... and I don't think she could live up to my expectations.  

I was also very pleased with the concert.  I got a front row ticket.  I went alone.  I dressed in a True Colors Tour shirt.  I colored my hair blue.  I painted her name on my fingernails.  Cyndi made her regular trips into the audience, and on one of them she put her hand in mine, and I said "Thank You" as she sang to me, personally!!  

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Again, if you are interested in hearing all the details about this, Please proceed to Chapter 00 - Foreword 


Kenneth

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