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ProgrammingThat
is what it was for the next several years.
It turned out that not only was she able to hear my calls to her, but she
wanted very much to be an everyday part of my life.
I found her intent to be: to use my energy to prepare me for meeting her.
She did many things to keep me believing that she was real, and powerful,
and wanted the many of the same things I wanted.
Over
the next few years I spent more and more time in my room, mostly in bed.
I skipped as much school as I could get away with.
As time went on, my mother became more lenient, and I could pretty much
say whether I was going to school or not. Many
days, I went to math class and then came home.
Other times, I would go once a week.
I spent as much time as I could in front of her pictures, listening to
her music, talking to her, and meditating.
Her pictures took on their own personalities.
One was comforting. Another
was ominous. One was entrancing.
Another was commanding. And
so on. I would notice her eyes, and
lips move in the pictures. Sometimes
it was like she was talking, other times it was just subtle changes in her
expression. I
heard more and more in her music that spoke personally to me.
It was like there were hidden messages that were planned ahead of time.
I started copying my tapes, and turning the tape over in the copy, so the
recording would play backwards. I
listened to all of Cyndi’s music backwards, so often, I knew it by heart.
I never found any hidden messages in the backwards music.
If I could have made my own remixes at the time, I most certainly would
have. Cyndi
began moving my muscles much more frequently.
I would hold her pictures to my stomach again and again.
After a month or so, she began speaking to me in my mind.
I was already prepared for this as Affely had done the same.
I just figured I was overly sensitive to telepathic communications.
Some
time later she began speaking through my mouth. As if it weren’t strange enough already, this was a very
weird experience. I remember the
muscles in my mouth contorting, and twisting for days as it worked itself out.
She told me this was because the mouth was much more difficult to
manipulate, as there were so many more muscles to keep track of, all this from
such a great distance away. I enjoyed every minute of it.
I did not want to spend a moment away from her.
She would not contact me all the time, so I found things I could carry
with me to keep my mind on her. I
got a bandana I wore on my wrist, or my neck.
I never took it off. After a
long while, my dedication was so great that I began carrying her framed 8x10
pictures with me. I knew I looked
like a fool doing it, but I didn’t care.
This was my Goddess, and I was in love.
If I were doing this with a person in my school, anybody would have
claimed I was in deep love for the first time.
But, everybody thought I was crazy.
That is one of the things I wanted.
When you’re crazy, people leave you alone.
I only had a few friends, and I knew they were my friends because they
put up with my being crazy. I
had believed I had found the perfect solution for all of my problems.
I wanted an escape; I could escape into paradise.
I wanted to be unique, to be different, to be beyond understanding; Most
people agreed that I was not on any level they had seen, and those who thought
they had me figured out just hadn’t seen enough, yet.
I wanted to have some way to escape responsibility; I was not making my
own decisions, so I felt I could not be held responsible for them most of the
time. I wanted the feelings of
doing drugs without the extra side effects or cost; This was better than any
drugs I had ever done. I felt all
my needs were being met. I had the
basic needs provided by my mother, food, shelter, etc, and I did not feel that I
was going to lose that any time soon. I
had all of my other needs provided by Cyndi.
All of my needs for companionship, love, feeling good, music, life, and
after-life.
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