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Salvation?By the time I was 18 (1989), Jaervah became so intense in my life that I felt I had to do something. Before I got the job with my father, I had gotten a job at bingo hall. It was right next to the Vineyard Christian Fellowship Church. One day on the way to work, I was being hounded by Jaervah so badly that I cracked. I made a choice. I filled my mind up enough to push Jaervah out for a few seconds and I ran at full speed into the church. I had spoken to him about it a few times before, and he had dared me to do it. He told me that it would not hurt him, but he did not want it. I think it scared him. He was always much more violent when I tried to pray. He had laughed at me and taunted me. I was determined. I went in and sat down. Jaervah did not follow me. The church was empty, and the band was just warming up in their practice session. They played a set of music that was absolutely heart-rending. I was convinced the whole set was for me alone. I cried my eyes out the entire time. One of the band members, who I later found out was the assistant pastor, asked if he could help. I appreciated it more than I could say, but I told him I needed time. It
was a short time after that when I gave my soul to God.
The church, of course confirmed my beliefs that this was a demon
possession. They did a lot of
praying with me, and speaking in tongues to try and cast out this demon.
Jaervah
stayed with me, and kept on my case. He
told me that the soul was not mine to give, and that God could not accept it.
I ignored Jaervah. I had
found a new determination, a new source of strength.
I was so persistent about praying and resisting Jaervah that I had no
energy for anything else. For some
time, he would only come to me in my sleep because that was my only vulnerable
time. When he was around he was
very unpleasant. I
got involved in as many church activities as I could. I spent much of my time outside of church with friends I made
there. I joined a kinship (a small
group that met outside of church once a week).
These were some of the best times of my life but they were the most
draining. In
praying, I believed I was given a gift from God. I was able to see into the spirit realm.
I could close my eyes, or keep them open, and see what was happening.
I saw Jaervah’s true form. He
was a hideous, winged, leathery creature with a crunched nose, pursed lips, and
eyes that crossed slightly. His
size was about what I had seen when he showed me himself before.
But, it was not just one creature that plagued me.
He had minions of his own to dispatch.
I
saw angels too. I saw battles every
day. I prayed for the angels.
I prayed against the demons. Sometimes
I prayed for forgiveness for the demons, but ultimately figured that was
pointless. I went through this every day for some time.
I saw things in a different light. It
was not just me who had angels and demons fighting over them.
This was happening all over the place.
I saw people walking down the street with a demon perched on their back.
I saw people with angels standing beside them.
Every conflict, it seemed, had a spiritual battle that went on behind the
scenes. I believed I was being called to be a prophet in the church.
I could see things that others could not.
The members and staff of the church ate it up.
Later,
Jaervah claimed it was he who gave me this sight to occupy my attention and make
me think that I had been under submission to him all along.
His confusion tactics went further, while I was confused about whether I
was given a gift by God or not, he continued to encourage me to think about
whether the things I saw were real or generated, regardless of who brought them
to my sight. There were many other
mind games he played with me during my weak moments.
My
resistance to Jaervah did not last. I
was exhausted, and did not resist so valiantly as I found it was pointless.
He was soon coming to church with me on most days.
Sometimes, I could feel as though he had left me alone.
When I was alone, I wondered if he were just hiding and watching.
Other times, I knew for a fact he was gone.
And, other times still, I knew he was there, and it was very clear he had
no intentions of letting me get a moment of peace.
Eventually, he spoke out to the people praying over me.
He resisted them, and did everything to insult them short of spitting in
their faces. One time, he walked me
over to the assistant pastor’s house at night, and I sat and waited on the
curb for him to get home. The trip
to the pastor’s house was personal for Jaervah.
It was a challenge. It was
to prove to Rick that he could not be cast out.
Jaervah challenged him several times on the trip to the church.
This was one of those many times, where all I could do was to sit back
and watch. Jaervah toyed with Rick
and the other assistant pastor for some time.
Even when they thought they had won, I still was not in control of
myself. He was still toying with
them, using my likeness to confuse them and make them think they were victorious
until they stopped praying. Then,
he would pick up again. Meetings
like this were common, and involved many people over the time I was there, but
this was the most intense one as it was personal, and involved me walking
several miles to do it. Part
of wanting to get closer to God prompted me to cast off many of my worldly
things. I discarded and sold many
of my possessions, in a short time. I
didn’t get rid of everything... Just those things I saw as getting in the way
of my relationship with God. Most
of my music went to the used record stores.
But, the Cyndi stuff had to be destroyed.
I believed I had unwittingly associated it so closely with this demon in
my life, that the items themselves held an evil spiritual resonance. It was one of the most painstaking processes I have ever gone
through. I cried through trashing
most of it. On some, I held her
pictures and said goodbye. On
others I just held my breath and closed my eyes, and got it over as quick as
possible. Part of this was a
recommendation from the church members, but I took the initiative to do it. I don’t hold any grudges because of what I did here.
I don’t have many regrets, because I honestly did need to separate
myself from her image. Seeing her every day, and hearing her music at that time in
my life was just too much for me to bear. Then
Cyndi’s image became a weapon against me.
It became a form of attack that Jaervah used every chance he got.
Once I had finally destroyed everything, a couple of weeks later, I found
a “True Colors” tape on the table in the dining room.
Nobody claimed to know where it came from.
I knew nobody else in the house liked Cyndi Lauper, and I knew I had
destroyed the only copy I had. I
immediately wanted to listen to it, but was torn because of the commitment I had
made. I knew it was a one-way
ticket back the way I had come. I
destroyed it as well. This kind of
thing happened a lot. Usually, it
wasn’t so mysterious, but every mention of Cyndi, every time one of her songs
came on the radio, it tore me up inside. Fortunately,
Cyndi’s media profile was almost non-existent after A Night To Remember.
By the time Hat Full of Stars came out, I was comfortable avoiding her,
and it didn’t bother me nearly as much when I happened to see her, but I could
not bring myself to choose to listen to her or to view her image.
As
I resisted even more, and the church started praying for me more, Jaervah seemed
to get even more powerful in my life. Perhaps
it just felt that way because he was more visible.
By bringing him to the attention of the church, he did not feel a need to
hide his actions any more. It
seemed he thrived on their prayers, even though they were directly against him.
A
couple in the kinship believed they could help me. They had been trained for counseling, and I believe they said
they had experience with demonology cases.
I was so grateful they came along. We
ended up doing a once a week session in a side room in the church.
It always felt like we made excellent progress while they were there.
Then, it felt like things were always worse when I went home, and had to
be alone with the monster that was enraged by their words and actions.
I was already exhausted by the session, with all the convulsions and so
on. Then, in my exhaustion, I had
no energy to resist him. Still,
in the midst of it all, I felt I was gaining ground with God.
I felt He was taking all of my trials, and all of my failures and using
them for His glory. I felt my experience in the spiritual realm had a direct
function in my daily walk with Him. I
truly felt free, despite my constantly being plagued by attacks. I received visions I believed were from God.
I had one vision, in particular, that was quite lengthy, and was cryptic
in that it used pictures as symbolic meanings.
I believed it came true by events that followed that, over the next
couple of years.
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