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Wife SupportSome
explanation is in order for the next paragraph. November 11th is 11-11 on the calendar.
Because I was so wrapped up in the number 11, this had become as much of
a day of chaos, as Cyndi’s birthday was a day of worship for me in the past.
I never knew what to expect on that day, but I could usually expect it to
be bad. I
met a lady named Dee, on a BBS. We
originally met for sex, and we soon decided to stay together. Within a week of getting together with her, I had to tell
about Jaervah. November 11th
was quickly approaching, and I needed all the help I could get to get through
it. She was happy to pray for me
and with me. I was a basket case on
that November 11th, 1992 Jaervah
was as strong as ever. It took me a
full year after I met Dee to completely banish him from my life.
Somewhere along
the way, Jaervah’s started claiming he only had an 11-year reign on my life
instead of the indefinite control he had claimed before.
It turned out to be just as he said.
He had an 11-year reign in my life.
I was 11 at the first signs of trouble in my parents’ marriage.
This is when I started searching for my place in life.
This is when I started looking for a power in my life since God had
betrayed me by not saving my parents’ marriage.
This is when being alone in my body wasn’t enough any more.
This is when he started setting the stage for his direct reign in my
life. 11 years later, the hard time
was over, the emptiness gone, the loneliness banished by someone who cared about
me and loved me very deeply. Now,
someone had a direct stake in my life and she was not about to lose it to some
faceless entity. Her love was
powerful, and she helped me push that thing away from me forever. On the next
November 11th, 1993, I braced myself and prepared for a torrential exit to his
11-year reign. It did not happen.
He was there in force up until that date, but was almost entirely silent
on it. He has not returned since.
If
you ask me now, what I believe happened to me during these 11 years of my life,
I would tell you that it was never a spiritual crisis.
In
the past few years, I have been more able to distinguish between reality and
fantasy, and to see things objectively. For
years after Jaervah left me, I was adamant that everything that happened to me
was a spiritual event, and it was very real.
For a long time, I still wanted to believe that for many reasons.
One reason is that, it was so real to me at the time.
It was more than any fantasy or game I had ever experienced.
I have had fantasies and dreams, and I have distinguished between them
and reality without a problem for my entire life.
So, I knew that it was very real at the time.
Why should I believe any different now?
Another
reason I wanted to believe this was real, is because of the Christian belief on
demonology. I believed I was
delivered from demons. If this was
true, and then I stopped believing it, then my defenses would go down because I
wouldn’t believe there are any demons for me to guard myself against.
In this scenario, the demons would waltz right back into my life,
possibly covertly so as to not arouse my suspicion and put up my guard.
On the other hand, if I believed the demons weren’t real, then what did
God save me from? If he saved me
from myself, or from a mental illness, then He had lied to me about what I was
being saved from, and God doesn’t lie. So,
I could only see one other way of looking at it: if the demons were not real,
then God cannot be real. For
about a year in 1998, when I was 27, my faith in God was based primarily on the
fact that if I were wrong about God not existing, I could go to hell.
But, if I believed in God and I was wrong, there was no serious
consequence. Over the next year or
so, I have struggled hard with that dilemma.
Believing for the sake of playing it safe was not an option any more.
My faith was very weak because of it.
I had to decide for myself whether God was real or not regardless of any
potential consequences. I became
more willing to accept that God is not real, and that I have been wrong all this
time. This felt like a huge loss
for me. It was more than just
difficult to admit that 11 years of my life have been an exercise in futility.
I still believe that the Christian way of life is the most prosperous in
regards to ethics and relationships. But,
I could not recruit people by speaking about an entity I do not believe in. It
is still confusing to me because I know the signs and wonders I saw.
I know how real everything was to me.
Sometimes, I think it is still denial on my part to say it was never
real. Perhaps it is just me saying
to myself that I want to put this behind me, and this is the only way to do it.
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