Returning to Cyndi

As I got more comfortable that I was in control of my life and responses to life-events, I decided to resume my edging closer to Cyndi.  I was able to watch the last half of Vibes without a significant mental or physical response.  I kinda felt like I was looking at a picture of someone who had died, but I didn’t feel anxiety.  This was a major milestone.  After a few more months, I felt I had torn down all the walls between me and her (by reviewing all those things that reminded me of her, and that whole time-period), and I felt ready to start listening to her music again.

The main thing that kept coming up for me on this issue, is that I felt like I had been told by the system to run from my problems regarding Cyndi Lauper for the last 16 years.  I had agreed that I should be running from it for 12 years.  But, I am not the type to run from my problems.  This was the sole exception to that rule, at that point in my life.  I am a big boy, now, and I felt that it was my decision to make.  I listened to other people’s concerns, and I made my own choices. 

I felt I could handle the stimulus of listening to Cyndi’s music.  I took a thorough look at why I wanted to return.  My number one reason was to face my past and associated problems.  Number two was for my enjoyment.  It had been pleasurable when I had recently happened across her music or videos.  I did recognize this as an escape.  But listening to any music is an escape.  Going to the mountains is an escape.  Playing video games, watching TV, driving, and what have you.  They are all escapes.  This one just happens to be a bit more powerful for me than the others.  I would have to be more careful about it. 

I started listening to Cyndi’s music again in April of 2002 (I was 31).  I did not tell my wife because I knew she did not want me to start listening again.  This was extremely rare for me.  I simply don’t keep secrets from my wife.  I believe communication is the very most important thing in making a relationship work.  But, she still believed listening to Cyndi was a trigger for demonic activity, and didn’t want to see me suffer like I did before.  She has never been a super-holy type of Christian.  She has not gone to church now for a few years.  But, she has her beliefs, and I can’t expect her to change them, just because mine changed.  I respect her beliefs.  Around Easter, about a week after I started listening again, I told her what I was doing.  She confirmed all the suspicions I had, and asked me not to listen any more.  I agreed, and I put it down again.  This was partly out of respect for her, and partly to see if I could put it down.  I knew how addictive it would be for me, but I was able to let go...for a time. 

I started listening to Cyndi’s music again in July of 2002.  This time, I was determined not to let go of it.  I knew I was able to let go, because of the last time I started listening.  I could see no reason to avoid Cyndi any longer.  I figured I would wait a month or more before talking to my wife about it so that I could be sure that I could truly handle exposure to her music and image.  I had experienced some of the same emotional and physical feelings from my past as a side effect of listening to her music during the one-week around Easter.  I wanted to get past that.  Since I was determined to continue listening, I did not want to let Dee see me getting past the initial phases of my listening to Cyndi. 

It is amazing how much a person can forget in 13 years.  I knew most everything there was to know about Cyndi in 1989.  When I started listening to her old stuff again, I kept finding myself saying, “Wow, I don’t remember any of the lyrics to this song!” and, “ Wow, I forgot that song even existed!” and, “Hey, that song wasn’t on that album, was it?”.  Then I would come across songs that would absolutely petrify me.  It would put me in a trance-like state.  Again, it felt fantastic.  And, since I knew it was all in my head, I was not worried about some spiritual attack, or any long-term effects.  I pushed on.  It seemed, the songs that had the greatest impact on me, I could listen to 4 or 5 times in a row, and that impact would fade away.  It wouldn’t paralyze me any more.  But it was still intense enough that I would only listen for a certain amount of time per day, and I would not take it on the road with me, or anything like that.  I didn’t know that I could control my muscles or keep focus at any given time. 

Listening to her new music was a completely different story.  Some of the songs affected me that way.  But, most of the time, it was like listening to a different artist.  This wasn’t Cyndi, to me.  In fact, I had a difficult time accepting some of the new music.  By new, I mean anything released after 1989.  The last single I purchased was “Unabbreviated Love”, and the last album I had was “A Night To Remember”.   

Catching up on 13 years of music was a difficult task.  I took it one album at a time.  I had gotten pretty much every official release she had within a couple of weeks of returning to listen to her, but some of them didn’t get listened to at all until I was familiar with the others, and loved the music as I have loved all of Cyndi’s music.  Trying to catch up increased the amounts of time I listened to Cyndi.  It quickly got up to being 90% of all the music I listened to. 

Being able to look up things on the Internet has been a wonderful thing.  In the past, I had to draw my own conclusions about what Cyndi was singing about.  Now, I could find out for sure.  No more reading hidden meanings into songs.  I could read what other people were saying about Cyndi, and keep my own thoughts and beliefs in check.  I soon started posting on the Fearless board.  I thought it was a great thing when one of the most recent topics on the board was in regard to who was more obsessive.  All these people were measuring how obsessive they were by how much Cyndi-stuff they had.  I decided, right off, that I wasn’t going to keep secrets about my past, because secrecy, amounts to isolation, and lack of communication.  I also didn’t want to scare people away, because some people just aren’t ready to deal with someone with big issues.  They come to the board for light-hearted conversation, and trivia, and so on.  So I figured I would make a post describing my past, in about one page.  Then, I would let it be.  Anyone who wanted to talk to me further, about this, could email me in private, and we could discuss it.  I have done this on a number of boards.  Most the time, I don’t get any responses, but the first time, I got several.  I got a couple of people who said things like, “You win”, or “Thanks for today’s nightmare”. 

But I felt like I hit the jackpot when two people responded to me saying they could personally identify with the things I had gone through because it was so similar to their own experiences.  One of them had not progressed very far in his recognition of his delusions.  I crawled around in his head enough to find out what makes him tick.  He wrote enormous emails, and lots of them, but he really didn’t say much.  It seemed to be a lot of doublespeak, and terms that only mean something to him.  When I did get him to focus on certain topics, he was able to recount his history as he remembered it.  My best analysis is that he has had something so terrible happen to him in his past, that he has covered it up with an alternate past that put him in a direct, personal relationship with Cyndi, and many other celebrities.  Reason says that his stories could never be true because of the time frames he claims these things happened, as well as the location of these proposed events.  But he won’t listen to that kind of reason.  I am still not sure if he believes what he tells people, or if he is a compulsive liar.  I do know I would not listen to reason at one point in time, so I cannot fault him for that.  And, I still continue to give him time.  It took me years to come around.  I can’t expect someone else to get better overnight.  There are reasons he is hanging on to his delusions.  It is just a matter of finding out what those reasons are, and doing whatever it takes to negate them.  Either way it is up to him.  If he does not agree with what I have to say, what choice do I have, but to let him be, and let him live in his world.  He certainly has the right to believe what he needs to believe. 

The other guy I met some experiences which were very similar to mine, and has come to a point where he understands his delusions are not real.  I spent a lot of time talking to this guy as well.  He helped me a whole lot as I processed what I was going through, and when I had serious doubts as to whether I could actually handle what I was putting myself through.  He helped me process whether I should tell my wife about listening to Cyndi again.  I helped him with his problems some as well.  We haven’t talked much since I told my wife, but we maintain brief contacts from time to time. 

I told Dee about it in August.  I had planned on telling her on a particular weekend.  I had even set an appointment with her, so that I couldn’t change my mind about coming out with this.  The appointment got moved up a few days when we were driving past the Pepsi Center, and she saw a sign that said Cher and Cyndi Lauper in Concert.  She asked me if I wanted to go, and I said, “Hell yes, I want to go, but there ain’t no way I am going to.  For one thing, she is in concert with Cher.  And, with it being the week of the concert, the only way we could get tickets would be to buy at scalper’s prices: Likely, several hundred dollars a piece for anything decent.  Secondly, I couldn’t handle going to her concert on such short notice.  I have been avoiding her music for a very long time, and I am still dealing with the defenses I set up in order to avoid hearing her music.  This would wreak havoc on my system if I suddenly tried to expose myself to Cyndi, in a powerful setting such as that.”

Dee said she thought I should go.  Maybe not to this concert, but to A Cyndi Lauper concert.  She said she felt this way because of how strongly I felt about not being able to go to the True Colors concert.  How I still I feel so strongly about it after all these years.  I asked her, since she had stated that she doesn’t want me listening to Cyndi’s music (from when I started listening around Easter time), why would she think it would be okay for me to see her in concert.  Dee told me that she thought I had continued listening to Cyndi in private after our last conversation about it.  I hadn’t, though.  She had expressed concern about it, and stated that she would prefer I don’t listen, so I had dropped it.  I didn’t bring it up again because I realized it was a sensitive issue for her, and I didn’t want to appear as though I were badgering her about it.  Apparently, my lack of communication on the matter allowed her to get the wrong impression about my activities. 

This brought up another issue.  If Dee has been under the impression that I have been listening to Cyndi in private these last few months, and she hasn’t said anything about it, does that mean she has gotten over her concerns on the matter?  Well, she did not answer me directly on that question, but she did state that she is okay with my listening to Cyndi at this point. 

I do still hold resentment toward the system for barring me from going to her concert the first time I tried to go.  I fully understand why they decided to keep me from going, and why they felt it was necessary to take the steps they did.  I still believe they were wrong in their reasoning, and that they over-reacted.  I believe I would have been able to escape my delusion more quickly if I had been allowed to go.  Well, I’m not going to repeat the whole story here, but needless to say, I still feel very strongly about it.  That is the reason Dee thinks I should go to a Cyndi concert at some point in the future.  I happen to agree. 

Also, there was a CD signing the day after the concert.  I actually had a chance at meeting Cyndi in person.  I really, really wanted to go to this.  I could have gotten the day off of work, but it would have pissed off my boss.  I knew I would not be in a good state of mind if I went.  It was simply too close to my having started listening.  Most days, it was all I could do, just to listen to her CDs without going numb from the feelings it produced.  Just imagine if I found myself face-to-face with her at that point.  I would have passed out for sure.  I would not have been able to speak, if I could stay conscious.  I imagine, people would fear for my health, especially if I fell to the floor and starting spasming like I had in the past. 

Telling Dee had another benefit.  I was able to bring myself to trust her fully again.  I was able to let her into some of my most vulnerable and private moments.  One thing I have found I have been able to do is cause myself to feel that wonderful feeling in my stomach, like I first felt when I held Cyndi’s pictures to my stomach.  Except now, I do not need any particular object there, though it helps to have something pressed up against it.  I am also in complete control of it.  I can turn it on and off like a light.  Typically, I do this when I know I am feeling down, and I need a mental lift.  I have to be careful, because it is quite addicting.  Anyway, I was able to share this with Dee.  I explained to her what little I understood about it, and I had her put her hand on the left side of my stomach while I triggered the feelings.  She doesn’t understand it, but she has grown to enjoy it.  We do this on occasion, and it seems to bring us closer together.  I am glad she can get past her reservations, and share something like this with me.  I have never shared it with anyone before, and I was very hesitant to do so then.  But, it turned out to be a wonderful thing. 

Well, there is one place I still have not gotten to trust Dee.  I don’t plan on telling her when I prepare to go to Cyndi’s concert.  I know she said she is in support of me going, but because my past efforts to see Cyndi in concert have bee ruined by those who care about me, I have a very difficult time trusting anyone with this again.  She says she wants to go with me, to make sure I’ll be all right.  I don’t want this.  I don’t expect I will look like I am all right.  I am sure she will be constantly looking over at me, and asking me if I am okay.  This would ruin the whole experience for me.  I know this is my issue.  Dee has given me no reason not to trust her, but I have simply not been able to do it so far. 

No, I will buy the ticket (ONE ticket) without discussing the matter with anyone.  I will not disclose this to anyone close to me until the day of the concert, or after it is over, if I can at all help it.  Nobody will tell me I can’t go to this concert.  Nobody is going to take it away from me this time. 

So, have I come full circle?  Much of the most intense part of this trial started when I decided God was not important, I was to following Cyndi with a passion, and I was looking for some supernatural powers.  Now, I have decided God doesn’t exist, and I am following Cyndi with a passion, and I am looking to exploit my mental coping skills in an abnormal way.  I do see my obsession growing again.  Sometimes, listening to Cyndi, watching her videos, looking at her pictures, and talking about her on the Internet just isn’t enough.  I want more.  I am looking to remix her songs, though I have no skills in that area.  I am willing to learn to get closer to Cyndi.  I am considering flipping my mp3’s over so they play backwards.  I have already played 2 and 3 of her songs at the same time, so I don’t have to listen to just one at a time.  I am taking my CD player everywhere with me, and I am noticing withdrawal symptoms when I have to part with it.  Am I obsessing?  Yes.  Is this unhealthy?  Well, if I were anybody else, I would say no.  But, given my past, I don’t know. 

I don’t think I will repeat my past.  I don’t have any problems realizing that Cyndi is a real person, with real feelings, and that none of those feelings have anything to do with me.  If anything, I expect I would probably give her the creeps.  I know I would be afraid of a guy like me.  Maybe, if I took the time to read something like this document, I would understand that this guy would never cause me harm, but it would still give me a funny feeling. 

Still, I have this desire to somehow tell her what I have gone through.  I don’t see how this could benefit her, unless she was really curious about how an obsessive mind works.  I am not even sure it would benefit me.  But it has been a driving desire of mine to tell her about it, or at least to give her the opportunity to look into it.  I have not yet decided what to do about this, but I will be sure to discuss the matter with others before I act on it.  It is very important I do not let my own perception be my only guide. 

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Last modified: March 21, 2004