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PassionBy
early 2003, I was able to bring my listening to Cyndi, down to a more normal
level. Now, I don’t feel the
withdrawal symptoms I felt before. I
don’t have such an overwhelming urge to tell her about my experiences.
I have found that sharing my experiences with other people I meet on the
message boards has been quite therapeutic for me, as I am making sure I don’t
forget my past and repeat it. Plus,
if problems do build up, I can go and talk to these people without having to try
and explain it all, while in my moment of need.
I try not to talk about it openly on the message boards any more because
there are so many people who go there for light-hearted conversation, and
don’t want to be burdened by my problems.
Between
talking on the message boards, and talking with people who I have disclosed this
to, I have found this communication to be very useful in keeping my thoughts in
check. I can see what the other
Cyndi fans think about her, and compare their thoughts against mine.
I don’t do this to figure out how to feel about her, but to remind
myself that she is not the person I believed her to be.
She is a real person, with real concerns, and real needs.
She is not perfect, and she does not communicate telepathically with her
devoted followers. And most
importantly, in my case, she is someone who has no idea who I am, and she would
not approve of the way I deified her in the past.
I can still idolize her, mirror her concerns, follow her career, enjoy
her music and other performances, and even hang on to every word she says
without making her a goddess, or doing anything stupid.
I
am no longer bent on going to the concert alone, but I still prefer the idea.
I have at least one person who says he would travel in order to go with
me. But, I don’t know how
feasible that is. My wife prefers
not to go with me, but she wants someone to go with me.
She would not enjoy the show, herself.
She has made derogatory comments about Cyndi’s live performances.
She doesn’t like the screaming, and carrying on.
I tend to love that part. It
shows her passion. There
is a remnant from my past delusions, which I have toyed with since resuming my
listening habits. I am talking
about the feelings of peace, and ecstasy I referred to within the first couple
of pages of this document. This
happened a few times before I started listening to Cyndi, and it scared me.
It is so overwhelming. For a
long time I thought it was a really bad thing because it felt so good that it
was debilitating, and because I associated it with the pressures of the demon
for so many years. By
the time I got to the point where I was ready to listen to Cyndi, I was able to
realize that this was just a part of my own coping skills.
I was ready to deal with these feelings head-on.
More than that, I wanted to use these feelings to my advantage.
Part of it was simply because it felt good. Another part was because I was rebellious.
I remember one of my therapists told me that I would never be able to tap
into the powerful nature of my “disease”.
I was still looking to prove him wrong.
And of course, my nature is to always try to be in control of my own
life, so I wanted to understand this and be able to control it as I do
everything else in my life. I
already knew a number of the things that would trigger it, so I could
effectively turn it on. I also knew
a number of situations where it would not happen, so I found ways of turning it
off. It was not as consistent as I
would have liked it to be, but with practice, I could control it.
But it started fading after a while.
Something was missing. I
didn’t find out what that was until about a month after I started sharing this
with my wife. In
the meantime, I noticed a new personality was forming in my mind.
I decided I was okay with this, because this time, I knew it was all part
of me. I decided to be proactive.
I wanted to be in complete control, so the first order of business would
be to give it a name which would be more likely to yield positive results. I was thinking about naming it as an attribute, and I had it
ruled down to Success, or Prosperity. I
was debating which to choose, and out came Passion. It named itself. It
figures. I decided to be in
control, and I couldn’t even make the first decision.
From
there, it started talking to me, a little bit at a time.
It was limited. Mostly, I heard him when I was frustrated, depressed, or
otherwise stressed. Again, this
didn’t bother me, because I knew it was part of me, and I was using this as a
coping tool, while also using other, more appropriate coping tools, such as my
journaling, talking with friends and relatives, and many of the other things I
have learned in therapy over the years. This
was just one more tool. It is
something than could put a voice to my inner feelings that I sometimes have a
difficult time understanding. He
was not very clear. A number of
times, I had to figure out what it was trying to tell me. The more I figured out, the less he talked.
He really only came around when I couldn’t fulfill my own needs.
When
talking about him to others, I refer to him as Mr Passion, just to make sure
they understand I am talking about a personality, rather than an attribute.
When
I decided to share my pleasure center with my wife, she didn’t understand.
I tried to explain the triggers, and what it was that I felt.
I had gone over some of these things with her before, so it wasn’t
completely foreign to her, but it was not easy for her to understand, either.
Ultimately,
she wanted in on this. She is
always looking for ways to make me happy, so finding out I have a way of turning
on ultimate feelings of pleasure was appealing to her. I was reluctant. Again,
this was a most private act. I
didn’t think it would work for me to share it.
But I gave in. I had her lay
her hand on my lower left abdomen, where I had always felt this the strongest.
Then I did my part internally until the feelings were there.
She really didn’t understand when she first saw my responses.
She looked on in disbelief. But
she got used to it. A few weeks of
this is all it took to associate her hand with the feelings.
After that, she could pretty much touch me anywhere and send me reeling.
But, it is still most powerful in that one spot.
It
didn’t last long, though. It
started becoming harder and harder to do this with her. I started wanting to go back to my Cyndi-related triggers,
and/or Mr Passion kept coming back in, even while my wife was there.
Many times, it wouldn’t happen until he came in and triggered it.
After a week or so of this, I figured out why it was like that.
Through my entire history of being able to feel this, it has always been
an act of submission for me. I was
always yielding to, bowing to, or even laying prostrate before my
goddess/demon/god/higher-power/whatever. I
determined that in order for it to work properly for my wife, she would have to
demonstrate to me that she was in control.
She didn’t like this idea, at all.
She has always been an equal to me, or submissive, and simply was not
comfortable taking a dominating role. I
explained to her she would not have to be cruel, or even domineering, as she
understood it. Just some simple,
and mild restraining, and understanding that when I struggle it doesn’t mean I
don’t like it. I
must admit, I don’t understand this part.
The only thing I can figure is that this makes it so I don’t have to
feel guilty about feeling good. After
all, someone else is pushing it on me. But
for it to be this intense is still hard to comprehend.
Anyway,
this did the trick. Since she has
understood that, and has cooperated, Mr Passion did not return until the next
time I had unresolved issues in my life. We
share these moments often, and she loves it every time.
Our love life has really improved since then as well.
Well, it was never bad, but now it is like we are teenagers in love for
the first time. We can’t get
enough of each other. And, we have
been together for over 10 years at this point.
It
seems Mr Passion will only show up when I am not taking care of business
(overlooking or ignoring my needs), when I am highly stressed (in need of
comfort), or when I really want him to. I
can live with this. An
example of him appearing was when I was listening to a lot of Metallica.
I enjoy their music, and still do. The
sound is wonderful, in my opinion, and the fact that it is dark, is intriguing.
Anyway, a few days after I had listened all day, Mr Passion came and told
me I should stop listening to such music. He
pointed out that I don’t deal well with this kind of influence when I take in
too much. It triggers an emotional
response. Mr Passion pointed out
that what I take in, shapes him. In
other words, he is very suggestive. He
becomes what I fill my life with. It
makes sense, too. When I felt like
I was a social outcast, he was an alien. When
I wanted nothing but Cyndi, he was Cyndi. When I felt oppressed and trapped, he was a demon.
When I put everything I had into my religion, he was God.
And so on. What I dwell on
becomes real to me. For this
reason, I should be careful what I take in.
I already knew certain movies trigger emotional and physical responses in
me. That is why I don’t watch much TV, and usually try to make
it something fun, when I do.
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