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She Held My Hand and She Sang To MeThings have gone well in 2003 and 2004. I was made a moderator of a Cyndi forum called everythingcyndi on the Yahoo Groups. It was a very small board, with a few messages a month. There were less than 10 members, and only 3 participating. Just a couple of messages per month. I invited many of my friends, and there were soon 50 members with at least 10 posting multiple times weekly. Since the list owner was so busy at the time the board started getting big, she asked me to moderate it. I have done many Cyndi trivia questions including text and audio trivia. I have started a world-wide trade ring for Cyndi's non-commercial stuff which I have collected on the Internet over the past few years. Other people are adding content to the ring as it goes. It has become like a family to me, and at least a few of the others on the list have said the same.
I finally went to see Cyndi in concert on July 23rd, 2003. I got a front row ticket. I went alone. I was very afraid that I was going to be out of control of my own body, but my fears did not come to pass. In fact, I didn't feel the slightest bit of the typical waves of joy or tension I normally feel in relation to Cyndi. I even tried. It was kind of disappointing. Maybe it was like stage fright. I was in front of several thousand people, and my symptoms typically are lessened when I am around people. I had debated whether or not to try and communicate my past with her. If I had decided to do so, it would have been by giving her a card with my web address, where she could go read my story on the Internet at her leisure. I decided not to do this, but I really didn't have a good reason why, at the time. I guess I just figured I would have other chances if I decided it was important in the future. I had not decided it was unimportant, but I did not want to do something I would regret. So, I did not prepare for anything like that. Now I am leaning toward never attempting to communicate my story in the future. I cannot see where any significant good can come from it. My issues are resolved to my satisfaction, and she would not likely significantly benefit from it. I am taking Cyndi's own advice on this one: "Don't ever meet the people you idolize, they'll never live up to your expectations." As much as I enjoyed myself at the show, I came away feeling disappointed. I did not know why, and I am still not too sure. I know part of it is that I had unreasonable expectations. I did my best to not have any unreasonable expectations, but it was simply impossible to idolize her and obsess over her for so many years without holding on to some expectations that would not be met. A great deal of my desire to go when I was 15 was specifically in order to shatter my delusions. I knew that going to see her at that time would have been very painful. Part of me was still looking to see that she was human...really hoping for an ordinary experience. You might be thinking, "Gee, who buys a front row ticket, hoping for an ordinary experience?" Sounds like I couldn't win either way! LOL. I got what I wanted...nothing supernatural about it. She didn't recognize me, or track me down after the show, or any of those things I fantasized about as a teenager. No waves of pleasure happened for me for over a week after the show. It was like the experience killed my ability to tap into my pleasure center. I figured I had finally completed the cycle, and I no longer needed that. Of course it did come back slowly. Now, it is much less common to happen while I am alone. It is more frequent with my wife triggering it. I am now figuring that was a matter of me going through the motions of what I had expected to go through as a teenager if I had gotten to go to the concert at that time and subsequently stopping my belief in her as a supernatural being. If I had gotten to go to the show when I wanted to the first time, it might have triggered my demonic-possessed phase sooner...so, maybe it was good that I was not able to go. (I never thought I would say that!)
Now that all the negative stuff is aside, I must say the music and performance were top notch. Cyndi is such a perfectionist... very demanding of the sound and stage people. It pays off, too. The sound was superb. I only noticed one note that she missed... oh, and she forgot the lyrics to " Love to Hate You". But I won't go into a lot of detail here. I did write a full concert review and can send that to anyone who requests it. I was right in front of the ladder Cyndi was using to get off the stage to go into the crowd... well they moved it (at her insistence) after the first time she used it, but she still had to pass right by me three times. On the third time, while she sang "Still With Me", I stopped her. I put out my hand, and she put her hand in mine. I covered it with my other hand, looked her in the eyes, and mouthed the words "Thank You" as she sang, looking directly at me. It was only a couple of seconds before she moved on, but it felt like a long time. I was quite surprised that I was not nervous at all. I expected I would be a shambling mound, but I was just happy. Her hands reminded me of my mother's hands, very soft, but you can feel her age in her palms. Her hands reminding me of my mother's is another issue entirely, but I'll just say that it overall, it was comforting. For the most part, my experience was fantastic. I got almost everything I was honestly hoping to expect. I was in the front row. I was able to convince my wife to let me dress up. I did a temporary blue hair coloring. I painted my nails with the letters C-Y-N-D-I on one hand, and L-A-U-P-E-R on the other one (It works because I have 11 fingers!). I got a concert T-Shirt from the True Colors Tour (The one I wanted to go to in the first place). I was able to thank Cyndi in person, and spend a quality moment with her while she sang to me! That was wonderful!!
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