A Review by Phil Calabro
2005, Columbia Pictures/Revolution Studios, Dir. Brian Levant - Starring Ice Cube, Nia Long, Aleisha Allen, Philip Bolden, Jay Mohr, M.C. Gainey, C. Ernst Harth, Nichelle Nichols, Henry Simmons, Derek Lowe, Sean Millington, Tracy Morgan, Esme Lambert, Jerry Hardin
No point doddling on some witty opening paragraph, no introductory statement about how movies are bad during January and February, none of that. It's no use. Not to mention, I just don't have the patience to put any real thought into this review - it just wouldn't be fair. Usually, I'm pretty casual when I say a movie is bad, or perhaps one of the year's worst. But when I say that it is the worst of all-time, you know you shouldn't cross my path within two days after I've seen it. And after 'Are We There Yet', you're bound to face some trouble if you talk to me. This is by far one of the most rude, lewd, sickening, insulting, terrible, dreadful films I have ever seen. Even the fact that it is a children's movie is no excuse for the perennial garbage that this is. The film is nothing more than a string of sexual innuendo, projectile vomitting, urination, racial stereotypes, scenes with no purpose, fake sentimentality, and violence - all under a PG rating. 'Are We There Yet' is by far the worst movie of 2005 so far, and one of the worst ever made.
Nick Persons (Ice Cube) is a 30-something-year-old bachelor who runs a sports collectible store in Oregon, who just recently bought a decked-out Lincoln Navigator to pick up all the ladies. Then one day - he meets the woman of his dreams, Suzanne (Long). They share the same taste in sports and such, and get to know each other better as time goes by. One day, Suzanne has to head up to Vancouver for a winter gala she has been preparing for...until the beginning of the problem starts. Her travelling husband Frank, who has been on the verge of divorcing her, tells Suzanne that he won't be coming down to watch the kids while she's away. So she leaves it up to Nick to drive her kids, Kevin (Bolden) and Lindsey (Allen), up to Vancouver himself. Nick hates kids, but he does the task to impress her nonetheless. The kids, who have a grudge against any man who isn't their father, do their best to give Nick the worst treatment of his life.
I cry for Ice Cube at night....when will he find a decent role? He is certainly one of the best rapper-turned-actors to date, probably tying with Mos Def as most professional. But somehow, he is stuck with likeable but depressing characters like Nick Persons. Nick is not your average guy with problems, he's more of a Harry/Marv character from 'Home Alone'. With the help of these two satanic little demons, Nick is kicked across the western coastline through a series of different methods. The kids raise hell in his life, burn his car, make him shell out money in unnecessary amounts, and belittle him and call him 'gay'. And this is the right message to send out to our children? Give me a break. Somehow, Ice Cube remains reconcilable throughout the movie, trying to warm our hearts in the end. Sorry, Ice, but I'll break it to you easily. The kids have scarred you for life. Do them a favor and send them to military school, and don't hug them.
Obviously the MPAA is more concerned with nabbing film piraters than decency in film itself. It is the biggest shock in ratings since 2003's 'Kangaroo Jack', which I at least found enjoyable. Director Brian Levant, who directed the tame 'Snow Dogs', shoves as much as garbage in this screenplay as possible. When jokes about Guantanamo Bay and homosexuality exist in a children's film, I question the director's sanity. Onto the damage suffered by the characters themselves. Imagine the horror from 'Home Alone' multiplied 100 times. It is so blatantly sadistic it's scary. When all of the terrible potty jokes and slapstick violence are over, I wonder to myself, 'Are kids supposed to think that's funny?' They're lined up one after another, leaving no time for any plot development. And then, in a split second, the kids' attitude towards Nick changes, expecting the audience to have an ounce of sympathy for the little brats.
'Are We There Yet' is a wretched film of several proportions. More along the lines of a 'Freddy Got Fingered' PG-version, it proves to be one of the most unwatchable heaps of celluloid in ages. As I read BoxOfficeMojo.com today and noticed that it was leading the box office already, my IQ dropped a good 10 points. God forbid.
