A Review by Phil Calabro
2004, Universal, Dir. David Twohy, Starring Vin Diesel, Colm Feore, Thandie Newton, Judi Dench, Karl Urban, Alexa Davalos, Nick Chinlund
I must go ahead and say that I did not really mind the movie Pitch Black, although I haven't seen it in three years, so my opinion of it may have changed, but this still did not help ease the fact that I was spending my money on a Vin Diesel movie. However, I got shot with a big one. Hollywood execs, feast yourself on the newest breakthrough in film history - the first 2-hour epileptic seizure, starring Vin Diesel. I found this film, as you can somewhat make out from this comment, was unenjoyable, unoriginal, and incredibly boring.
There's a plot here somewhere, but it covers itself with some pretentious sci-fi nature that it's practically impossible to find due to the usage of really big words and British accents. Ok, Riddick (Diesel) is being hunted around the universe, and is wanted by the Necromongers (spelling?), especially its leader, Lord Marshal (Feore), who is launching a gigantic crusade to convert or kill everyone in the universe (sounds like something out of the mind of L. Ron Hubbard) So Riddick is facing the heart of Kyra (Davalos) and the help of Aereon (Dench), and have to figure out how to deal with all of these, one sweaty bicep at a time.
Here's a note to a Mr. Vin Diesel - don't act. Go out and buy a franchise of Gold's Gym, open a successful Italian restaurant, I don't care - just don't act. He has the persona of a action star legend, but his legend has weared away since his big entrance into Hollywood, his moves (and movies) becoming entirely too predictable. My second note to a Ms. Judi Dench - what the hell are you in this movie for? Dench, personally, should be offended at being in this film, for she has too little screen presence, and yet her acting can still be superb, even in a bad movie. Poor Dench, I hope independent film is calling her name out loud.
The special effects? Oh right, those special effects that took up a general 97% of the film, and made my eyes want to bleed. These have got to be the most painful effects I have watched in a movie since Howard the Duck, flashing and blinking so much it could heal a blind man. Not only did it make it painful, it was just incredibly unnecessary. The writing is so unbelievably cliched, it feels like it took the reels of Lord of the Rings and Battlefield Earth and spliced them together in a horrible frenzy. The words of Vin run through my head "whatchoo lookin' at?"
Note to everybody out reading this - don't waste your money on this floater. This movie was not just boring, but incoherent and stupid. Thankfully, no word from Universal has mentioned a sequel yet, but after this payroll comes in, I presume a bigger film-turd like this will be around soon. Cripes.
0.5/4 stars
