Eels, Fried Toes, and A False Testicle

Ah, Miami, so full of color, beautiful people, Latin rhythms, and all sorts of great stuff.



Yeah, I was all smiles as I sat on my sofa watching Top Chef on Wednesday. Well, the fine folks at Bravo somehow managed to change all of that. In fact, the show had a weird, negative vibe to it. Seriously, I started off with a smile on my face, but as soon as the show ended, I felt like I needed a hug (and some serious emotional support). Here are a few of things that made the show a tad weird/depressing:





The show started off with the cheftestants mingling in a room at Casa Casuarina, Gianni Versace’s former mansion. As soon as I found that out, my heart sank to the floor. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the place; it’s quite lovely. I’m talking about being reminded of Gianni’s untimely death. Yeah, what a sad story. Gianni was a great designer, and his life was cut short by some deranged killer. But, ok, we got to see clips of the mansion; so, that was nice. The Gianni thing made me a little less cheerful, but it was nothing major.


Then, we meet CJ, one of the cheftestants, and we learn a little more about him. Apparently, he’s a private chef and went that route because he was diagnosed with . . . cancer. And he has a false testicle. Fortunately, he’s in remission and seems to be doing just fine. However, things seemed to be getting more depressing by the minute. A few minutes earlier, I was reminded of Gianni Versace, and then I was reminded of a terrible disease like cancer; all of this within the first 10 minutes of the show. But I was fine, a lot less cheerful than before, but still fine.


After a less than impressive performance in the quickfire challenge, Clay, the Southern boy, talked about his father who was, according to Clay himself, a great chef. He wanted to make his father proud by winning the title of Top Chef. To be honest, I’m a sucker for that sort of thing. Then, Clay dropped the bomb—his father committed suicide. Talk about depressing, and if I had to guess, I'd say his father suffered from depression. It didn’t help that the camera kept following Clay around; I just knew this kid wasn’t going to last much longer. Ok, so the bad stuff just keeps getting worse: sad memories (Gianni’s death), cancer, suicide, and a Southern boy with an impossible dream. Could it get any worse?

Well, it didn’t get worse, but it certainly got . . . more interesting? The elimination challenge was something out of an Indiana Jones movie. Remember that one scene where a group of people are at a dinner table that’s embellished with snakes and even a monkey’s head at the center of the table. Ok, it wasn’t that bad; there wasn’t a monkey’s head in this episode of Top Chef, but I’m sure the producers thought about it. Anyway, for the elimination challenge, the cheftestants were asked to create a surf and turf entrée using proteins that most Americans would never even think of eating—snake, alligator, eel, and so on. I’ll stick with lobster and steak, thank you very much. I thought it was an interesting challenge, but that table looked like something straight out of Fear Factor. Seriously, I was expecting Joe Rogan to appear out of the blue. So, now, in addition to depressing memories, cancer, suicide, a Southern boy with an impossible dream, we add a whole table full of unappetizing raw proteins.

Ok, so maybe I was being a little too sensitive. The show wasn't that depressing. However, things in Bravo TV land have been quite depressing lately. Doug (Workout Season 2) passed away a few months ago, and that was sad. Kathy Griffin ended a bad marriage a few months ago, and we all know that her father died recently. I’m sorry, Bravo, but this is just too much. I’m not going to stop watching Bravo reality television; that was never an option, really. But I can only handle so much sadness and misery.

Fortunately, this episode of Top Chef wasn’t all sad memories and bad stuff. A lot of great and interesting stuff happened, too. And, there wasn't too much drama, which is usually a good thing. Right? It was all about the food.


Tom Colicchio never disappoints. As soon as he walked into that room at the Casa Casuarina, he summoned the cheftestants to gather around him like little school children eagerly awaiting instruction from a teacher. He reminded them that he is the head judge, which all of us know by now. Thanks for the reminder, Tom. You know, I’ve often wondered how many calories he consumes every season. Now, I love Tom; I really do. The guy is all man and he knows it. In fact, he adds some much needed masculinity to Bravo reality television. But Tom really needs to go to Los Angeles and get involved in Jackie Warner’s SkyLab project. We like our reality TV stars to be fit and trim. And standing next to Padma doesn’t make him look any better. Yeah, we’re shallow when it comes to that sort of thing.


Holy stereotypes! That’s all I can say. Clay, the Southern Boy with an impossible dream, brought his Southern charm, or whatever it is you want to call it, to the show. The best part was hearing him say, “I’m from Mississippi; pick it up and eat that son of a bitch. That’s the way I see it!” I’m sure his Southern drawl drove many Bravo viewers crazy. Some have probably never met a real, honest-to-goodness Southern boy. And, of course, what show would be complete without the stereotypical Italian-American. I must say, Joey wore his Italia shirt with pride. I suspect he doesn’t speak a word of Italian, but, hey, that’s none of my business. My favorite Joey moment was hearing him say, “I’m the biggest baddest mother fucker here, and I’m from New York. I came to kick ass.” Well said, Joey. Let’s hope you can live up to the hype.


And how lovely are the ladies this season? Ok, I left Sandee out. I’m sure she’s lovely in her own way, but she’s no match for Camille. I also like Sarah N. and Casey. Anyway, let’s hope these girls can really cook. Oh, I just noticed that I left out Lia; she’s also lovely. Sorry! However, the woman who really stood out this week was Micah. She’s one to watch. Of course, it’s too early to tell who the favorites are. But, honestly, I hope this year’s winner has two X chromosomes.


Hung! First, please get those dirty thoughts out of your head. Anyway, Hung is one confident (and obnoxious) man, almost as confident as his buddy Marcel. I can’t tell you how excited I am to have someone like Hung on the show. What would reality television be with the drama queen/instigator? Also, it appears that Hung is a pretty good chef. He certainly impressed guest judge Anthony Bourdain. It’s been suggested that Hung is this season’s gay villain. Please note that, according to Charlus, you don’t actually have to be gay to be the gay villain. And that actually makes a lot of sense.


So, the show ended with no real surprises. Tre won the elimination challenge and redeemed himself in the eyes of the judges. Hung came in a very close second. According to the judges, Tre’s dish (shown below) was very well executed, while Hung’s dish was excellent but lacked a little color.


There were some unforgettable moments. I loved Padma’s comment about how you could fry anything—even her toe—and it would taste good. Tom got a kick out of that comment. Anthony brought some fun to the table. He insulted the people of Cambodia and made a few snarky comments.

And, sadly, the Southern boy with an impossible dream was asked to pack his knives and go home. By then, I had already hit rock bottom; this just broke my heart even more. Thanks, Bravo! :( You know, clinical research has shown that depression in parents increases the risk of depression in their children. Suddenly, it seems like a bad idea to send Clay back home with a bunch of knives. We’ll miss you, Clay. Hang in there, partner!



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