El Mundo De Top Chef (Top Chef 3, Episode 5)

Don’t worry; I’m not going to bitch and complain about this episode of Top Chef: Miami. I did that last week, but the Gods of reality television didn't hear my prayers. Yep, another woman was eliminated. Surprise, surprise. Anyway, in this episode, the cheftestants had to create something tasty using frozen pie crusts for the quickfire challenge. Dale’s reaction to the news was priceless.

Fuck you!

Oh, Dale, please behave. Actually, Dale considered this a great opportunity to redeem himself after a disappointing showing last week. He was quite confident with his final dish for the quickfire challenge—a spinach and salmon dish accompanied by a strawberry tart. He even stated that those two dishes were some of the best dishes he had made in the entire competition thus far. Well, Maria Frumkin, the guest judge, wasn’t impressed. She also didn’t seem to like Hung’s and Lia’s dishes. Oh, well, you can’t win them all. She was very pleased with Joey, Sara M., and Tre. However, she was most impressed by Joey’s trio of tarts. She even suggested that he had future in tarts. I loved how Joey looked into the camera and confessed that he had some experience making pastries, which he failed to mention to Maria. I’m sure Dale was pissed.



For the elimination challenge, the cheftestants were instructed to prepare Latin dishes for the cast and crew of Dame Chocolate, a telenovela that airs on Telemundo. Joey was all smiles; he described his reaction to this particular challenge,

I get excited . . . All hot Latina women . . . I get all happy.

Yes, Joey, I know exactly what you mean. We’ll get to that later. Anyway, the cheftestants were given $125 and 30 minutes to shop for ingredients and all that other good stuff. Some of them complained, of course, but everyone managed to buy all the necessary things. They were also told that they would have 3 hours to cook. However, Padma included an important caveat—the show’s schedule is constantly being adjusted. No one seemed to listen or they heard and just didn’t care.

In the kitchen, things were going smoothly until Tom walked in and announced that the lunch had been pushed up. The chefs’ time had been cut in half to 1 ½ hours.

Oh. My. God.

Oh, calm down, Brian. You always end up making some seafood dish anyway; I’m sure you can rely on one of your many recipes. Just put some salsa on it and I’m sure they’ll love it. I just have to say, Brian is the hottest chef in the kitchen. Hm, I think I should dedicate an entire post to him. Yeah, he deserves that. Ok, sorry, let’s move on.

As usual, Howie never works well under pressure. His sweat glands were on overdrive, and Ted had something to say about that in his blog. Seriously, I’d prefer a Howie dish without sweat as the key ingredient, thank you very much. Hung giggled uncontrollably as he talked about his Dish with Tom. Then he ran around the kitchen like a mad man with a knife in hand. He almost cut poor Casey who was busy making some kind of mole sauce that no one seemed to like.

Fortunately, the cheftestants finished their dishes, packed their things, and headed to the set of Dame Chocolate. As soon as they arrived, Joey and I were on the same page, so to speak. He was looking forward to seeing hot Latin women; while I was hoping to catch a glimpse of as many hot Latin men as possible, especially one of the biggest male soap stars in Latin America and the male protagonist in Dame Chocolate. Can you say Carlos Ponce? Yes, Joey and I were like bird watchers, waiting patiently for a glimpse of the ever elusive Latin hottie.

After the chefs set up their tables, some guy announced that it was lunch time, and the cast and crew made their way to the food. First, let me just say that I suspect that most of the people there were crew members. I didn’t see many ridiculously hot Latin women or men. Thanks a lot, Bravo. Then, just when I had given up hope, a mysterious woman approached Sara N’s table. Finally! A sexy Latin vixen! This histrionic woman had to be the show’s promiscuous she-devil. You know the one I’m talking about—the whore who sleeps with every rich man in town and tries to murder anyone who gets in her way.



Oh, wait, it was just Gail.



But, then, I spotted another lovely lady. Surely, she must play the part of the indigenous girl from a rural town in Mexico who moves to Miami in search of a better life (and love), I thought to myself. Then, I spotted a man with more rico suave than Ricky Martin. Hm, that must be Carlos Ponce or his chubby older brother, I wondered.



No, I was wrong again. The lovely indigenous girl was none other than Padma, and the rico suave guy was our very own Tom Colicchio.



Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, Joey’s dream came true. He saw former Venezuelan beauty queen Natalia Streignard. Yep, this hot Latin woman is the real deal. Of course, there were other lovely ladies. And I’m sure Joey was very happy. I waited faithfully for Carlos Ponce, but he never showed up. Yeah, I was a little disappointed, but I was pleased to see some random hot Latin guy (probably a crew member); he was sitting next Gail. Muy caliente!



So, after Tom and Gail asked the cast a few questions like "who plays the bitch" and "have any of the women had sex with Carlos Ponce," everyone starts to talk about the food. They loved Sara M’s Chiles Rellenos, Howie’s Pork with Yuca Sour Orange Mojo, and Joey’s Bean Stew with Lobster. Most weren’t impressed with Hung’s Arroz con Pollo. Nope, not even Hung’s surprisingly good Spanish speaking skills could save him. Most agreed that Sara N’s Avocado Ceviche didn’t really qualify as Ceviche. Lia’s dish was also one of the least favorites, and Casey’s dish was a total miss.



Howie ended up winning the elimination challenge, and he graciously gave his prize, a bottle of Argentine wine, to his new bff Joey. That was really sweet. Of course, one of the chefs had to be eliminated. That’s the nature of the game. And the judges asked Lia to pack her knives and go.



You know, I really like Lia. It took a while, but she won me over with her professionalism and down-to-earth personality. She was never manipulative; she always spoke directly and honestly. She has earned my respect and admiration. It’s sad to see her go, but the show must go on. She offered the following words before she left,

I’m definitely going to keep on cooking. It’s what I love to do. I love being in a kitchen. I love food. I love feeding people; it’s fun!

Good luck, chef. We enjoyed watching you on the show.