Long Live Meatloaf (Top Chef 3, Episode 3)

For some strange reason, I experienced something akin to separation anxiety as I watched this episode of Top Chef 3. Where was Gail? Oh, that’s right—she and Ted Allen can never be in the same place at the same time. Interesting. Now, don’t get me wrong; nothing makes me happier than seeing Ted Allen on television. I just kind of miss having Gail around.



Anyway, the elimination challenge for this episode of Top Chef was all about updating classic American favorites into modern meals that are lower in cholesterol. Hung complained that these dishes were nothing like the family meals he grew up eating; all the classic American dishes looked disgusting to him. Well, no one really cared. In fact, with each passing episode, it’s becoming increasingly clear that most of the cheftestants aren’t too happy with Hung, the self-proclaimed CPA (certified professional asshole). However, as Eric3000 has pointed out, Hung isn’t a very successful asshole.



Actually, most of his vitriol is directed at the camera and defenseless Crustaceans. What did that crawfish ever do to him? Honestly, I suspect Hung is a big wuss. He had a chance to unleash his fury during episode 2 when Joey kept complaining that Hung had stolen one of his ideas. So, what did the self-proclaimed CPA do? Did he show Joey what a real asshole is made of? No. Instead, he danced around like a confused Ahslee Simpson and giggled like a school girl. Even CJ’s lone testicle is bigger than Hung’s pair. Actually, whether or not Hung should be considered an asshole depends on who you ask. If you ask one of the cheftestants, they’d probably say that Hung isn’t an asshole; he’s just an annoying guy. On the other hand, if you ask some random marine organism, they may agree that Hung is the biggest asshole on the planet.



So, on behalf of Pepe, the King Prawn, and all marine organisms, I’d like to say,

You’re an asshole, Hung. I’m sure that makes you very happy, you bastard.

Anyway, in this episode, Micah hit a very low note with her meatloaf, while Howie hit a home run with his perfect pork chops. Poor, Micah. Apparently, her meatloaf tasted like crap, but she also managed to get under guest judge Alfred Portale’s skin by saying, “Americans like to put ketchup on . . . [meatloaf]” Somehow, Alfred detected a little attitude in her voice. Honestly, I didn’t detect any attitude. She was just making a comment. Now, Elia’s comment about American cheese was full of attitude. But that’s in the past; let’s move on.



Maybe Micah’s biggest sin was not respecting a plate that is truly American. My beloved Ted Allen said the following of Meatloaf,

My friends, meatloaf is Elvis! Meatloaf is ingenuity and spirit, the American housewife’s answer to scarcity in times of war and poverty! Meatloaf is the culinary expression of Rosie-the-Riveter’s determination . . . Meatloaf is America! There is honor in meatloaf!

God, I love Ted. And that passage makes me miss my grandmother’s meatloaf. Oh, and his words are perfect because Independence Day is just around the corner. Long live meatloaf!

So, not surprisingly, Micah was sent home. CJ’s dish was poorly executed, whereas Hung’s dish was well executed, I think. Brian pissed off Tom. Lobster wasn’t a good idea; this guy is turning out to be a one-trick pony. Lia didn’t even try, and she was expressionless when confronted by the judges. Seriously, she was almost sent home but she didn’t even blink. Camille made tacos, of course, and she’s one spicy Latina. Love her!

Dale’s chicken and dumplings dish was very impressive—a true reinvention. At first, I thought he was a goner. He used Instant mash potatoes for his dish. Well, the guy knew what he was doing, and Bravo just loves to mess with our heads. So, great job, Dale!



However, Howie stole the show. His pork chops looked delicious and everyone loved it. Interestingly, I’d say he’s just as unpredictable as Micah. His and Micah’s dishes are usually hits or misses. And that’s not good. I’m rooting for Howie, but he needs to prove himself. This was a great start.



By the way, I’ve got my eye on Brian. How’d that happen, you must be wondering? Well, seeing him shirtless did the trick and he’s also quite charismatic. Don’t worry, Ted. I still love you more. And there’s no harm in looking. Right?