 Parenthood.com
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Daddy Boot Camp: New Fathers Prepare for Special Mission in Parenting |
By Cynthia Marshall Schuman
Each month, experienced fathers and fathers-to-be gather at Regional Medical Center in San Jose for a program called Boot Camp for New Dads. This is a crash course in infant care, in which men can express their fears and frustrations, while also gaining firsthand knowledge of diapering, swaddling and bottle-feeding. Similar boot camps operate around the country, with a new one to start this month in Oakland. The primary objective is to create an environment in which men feel comfortable discussing anything.
No girls allowed.
Thatís the rule at a class for men who are preparing for the toughest job
theyíll ever love: fatherhood. The men have gathered in a San Jose medical center for a program called Boot Camp for New Dads. But unlike a military boot camp, there are no drill sergeants, push-ups or bugle calls.
Rather, this is a crash course in infant care in which fathers-to-be train for
special missions, such as diapering, swaddling and bottle-feeding. Although moms frequently handle most of these tasks, dadsí early involvement with their babies is essential.
According to the Washington, D.C.-based Social Policy Action Network, fathers who are involved with their babies early on make critical contributions to their childrenís development. "Infants who are well-fathered are often more secure and curious than infants whose fathers are not involved with their children," the Network reports.
"A class like (Boot Camp for New Dads) is a gold mine," says 29-year-old Nelson Estuben, who attended the San Jose class at Regional Medical Center in January. The class has been held every third Saturday morning for the past three years. A new class in Oakland will start this month.
Estuben is one of 1.5 million men annually who become fathers in the United States and one of the 50,000 who have participated in the nationwide Boot Camp program, which was started in 1990.
Learning from the Pros
Boot Camp for New Dads is not a class as much as it is an open discussion between "rookies" ñ men whose wives have not yet given birth ñ and "veterans" ñ men who have taken the class and become fathers. Participants in Estubenís class discussed such matters as epidurals, Caesarean sections, postpartum blues and breast pumps.
The men who enroll in boot camp represent a cross section of new fathers: young and older, rich and poor, America-born and not, straight and gay. They all come with the intention of doing right by their partners and their children, says program founder Greg Bishop of Orange County. Bishop, who was one of 12 children, is the father of four.
With so many changes taking place, a first birth is a stressful time for new moms. It also is no picnic for new dads. Bishop says the most formidable challenge for new dads can be new moms.
"There is a down side to motherhood,î he says. ìIt is a sort of long, emotional gauntlet that women go through, and they do change into different people, and they do get frustrated often, and they do take their frustration out on us guys. You get a surge of divorces in times like this. On average, marriages decline in quality when that first baby arrives."
One reason for this dip may be that parenting roles in 21st-century
Silicon Valley are not as clearly defined as they used to be in other times and places.
"Generations ago, the father was primarily just the breadwinner ñ the mother took care of the child and things like that," says Estuben, who coordinates office services for a law firm in Palo Alto. "But now, especially in todayís society where both parents are working, the responsibilities for the child have to be split ñ everything from taking the kid to day care to sharing responsibilities in general."
A Time for Just Dads
As the expectations increase, new dads may find themselves needing both an outlet for their questions and frustrations and a place to develop hands-on skills. Boot camp offers both.
"I see my job as being a resource person," says Micheal De Hart, 49, who has been leading the course at the Regional Medical Center for the past three years.
In a typical boot camp session, De Hart starts the morning with some background about himself, including his 10 years as a pediatric medical assistant and his experience as a father of three children, each of whom was born with medical challenges. After that, the men tour the hospital and walk through the steps of a typical delivery.
"We go through a typical delivery with just the dads there asking questions,î De Hart says. ìMost of them have already gone through the maternity tour, but mom is usually asking, `Whatís going to happen to me?í and `What am I going to be doing?í This gives the dads a chance to say, `What do I do?í "
After the tour, the fun begins. Real dads demonstrate real tasks on their own, real babies. Burping. Dressing. Feeding. Diapering.
"These are things that theyíve gotten in other classes, but because the wives were there, they were more concerned with letting the wife say what she wanted to say," De Hart says.
The primary objective of boot camp is to create an environment in which the men feel comfortable discussing anything. ìIf a woman comes into the class, we stop the class,î De Hart says. ìIt gets really sticky when you have somebody in there and people donít want to open up."
Moms See the Benefits
This does not mean that women donít play a critical part in the success of the class. The truth is that many men come to the class because their wives signed them up. Mothers are likely to feel connected emotionally to their infants because of the pregnancy and breastfeeding experiences. For fathers, however, the infancy experience can be less rewarding.
A 1999 study published in the Journal of Advanced Nursing reported that "most men found fatherhood to be disappointing and frustrating in the early weeks after the birth of their child." Boot camp aims to close that gap by involving dads more and earlier in the parenting experience. If Bishop has his way, one day all dads will attend his classes.
"We would like to expand it so itís basically synonymous with childbirth education," he says.
Judging from the reactions of some moms, this would be a good thing.
"I have two co-workers who were also pregnant at the same time as I was,î says Estubenís wife, Josephine. ìI was bragging to them about my hospital having a program for new dads. Their hospitals didnít have that, and one of my girlfriends wanted her husband to enroll because my husband speaks so highly of it."
Cynthia Marshall Schuman lives in Mountain View and can be reached at cmschuman@attbi.com.
From Bay Area Parent, a United Parenting Publication, June 2003.
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