What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a midwestern zoo and an East Coast zoo?
A midwest zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."

"Would you care to do it again?" he asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day.

One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie". So he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world".

The other lady asked what she meant.

She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What's wrong?

"I was stung by a bee."

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide!

a woman tells her husband that she wants a boob job and he tells her he cant afford it but to take a wad of toilet paper and rub it between her boobs a couple times each day.

she asks how that would help and he says"i dont know but it worked on your ass"

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there is water in the carberater. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!