Twas the night before Christmas
(Politically Correct)
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposes kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your poor brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue.
Everyone, everywhere-even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth.
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
NOT so Politically correct version here
Yeah, well I had to put these in here, it is kinda funny don't you think?
| The Real 12 Days of Christmas
Dearest John:
I
went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
-----------------
Dearest John:
Today
the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
-----------------
Dearest John:
Oh!
Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love, Agnes
-----------------
Dear John,
Today
the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful
but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
-----------------
Dearest John:
What
a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
-----------------
Dear John:
When
I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front
steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
-----------------
John:
What's
with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God
damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous
wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
-----------------
O.K. Buster:
I
think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking,
but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
-----------------
Hey! Shithead,
What
are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ
do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
-----------------
You Rotten Prick,
Now
there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
-----------------
Listen! Dickhead,
What's
with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those
broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are
dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
-----------------
Dear Sir:
This
is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to
our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy
Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on
sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
|
