"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"I called the 'Psychic Friends Network' the other day...
they said they saw a really big phone bill in my future!"

When Bill's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and Bill on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled,

"Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!"

"Wow," Bill thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!"

Nike has recalled more than 400 thousand defective shoes after reports that the poor workmanship may have injured 6 people.

A company spokesperson was upset, saying, "You just can't get good help for 75 cents a day anymore".

One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter, then use it in a sentence. Starting with "A"
Little Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him. Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo. The teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that he could turn into a lewd statement.

"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.

"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.

"Excellent," said the teacher.

She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary, "F is for Fairy ... F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the flowers", Mary replies.
 
"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".
 
Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides "G" is a safe one. "Yes Johnny?" She asks.
 
"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too."
 
"Johnny! That's Excellent!" exclaims the teacher, very happy that for once he wasn't out of line.
 
Little Johnny goes on to say, "Yes, teacher, he's the one who screws the fairies!"

Why does the light switch on my wall say "ON" and "OFF"? If it's ON,
you can TELL 'cause the lights are ON... and if it's set to "OFF"
it's too dark to read it!!

Think of a number.
 
Multiply it by 3.
 
Now add 5.
 
Take away the number you first thought of.
 
Now add 7.
 
Subtract 2.
 
Add back the number you first thought of.
 
Now, close your eyes for five seconds.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 





Dark, isn't it?

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
 
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program.

A friend of mine was telling me her flight from Boston to New York was delayed, which meant she missed her connection home to Seattle. She joined a group of other passengers, all in the same boat, each hoping to book seats on the next flight out.
 
All of the passengers waited patiently except for one man who treated the ticket agent very rudely. "I had an aisle seat reserved and I BETTER get an aisle seat when we get on another plane," he ranted and raved.
 
A few minutes later the ticket agent announced that there would be room for everyone. "And, sir," she said, addressing the rude fellow, "I'm happy to tell you that I was able to get you an aisle seat, sir."
 
The man, still mutter, picked up his carry on, grabbed his boarding pass, and headed through the door.
 
The agent continued, "And I'm also pleased to announce the rest of you will be seated in First Class."
 

As a member of the Marine Corps, I was stationed at Twenty-Nine Palms Base in California.
Among those serving there was a private who was determined not to re-enlist.
 
At inspection one morning, the officer asked him, "Are you married, son?"
 
"No, sir," he replied. "Engaged."
 
"There's no need to get married," the officer said, sensing an opportunity to change the private's plans for discharge.
"The Marine Corps is your wife. It clothes you, feeds you, puts a roof over your head, keeps you in top physical
condition and provides you with companionship. What else could you possibly want?"
 
"With all due respect, sir," answered the private, "a divorce!"

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman ... don't you ever stop?