The Border

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulles him out and says "sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The Mexican man pleads with him, "No senior, I must stay in de USA pleeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I"m going to make it hard on him and says, "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English word in a sentence."

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: green, pink, and yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks for about 2 minutes and says "Hmmm, Ok...The phone green, green, green; I pink it up, and sez Yellow?"

Have you heard about the five young bulls standing in the pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up?

The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.

The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street.

The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.

The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop.

The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and heifer.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Becaues he's a liar."

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting, "Give me your hand!" But the man would not reach up.

Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "What is your profession?"

"I am an IRS agent," gasped the man. "In that case," said Joe, "Take my hand!"

The IRS agent immediately grasped the Joe's hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask an IRS agent to "give" you anything, you fools!"

Dirty Joke:
1. A boy fell in the mud
2. A girl fell in the mud.
3. Three came out.

Ok, here's my all time worst one.

Q: When ducks fly south for the winter, they fly in a "V" shape.
Why is one side of the "V" always longer than the other?

A: There are more ducks on that side.

What did the hair-lipped cow say?

Moooooooooooooof!

Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Into what?

Why did the monkey fall outta the tree?..cuz it died.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?..cuz 7 8 9.

What did the snail say while riding on the turtle?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
''How come?''

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.