Dan's Blog

1. Steroids in baseball. Congress is again wasting the tax money I was forced to send them this year on stupid sh*t. Steroids in baseball. They shouldn't waste one penny looking into this "problem" for one reason:

There. I said it. If a bunch of millionairs want to shoot up and play baseball, let em. How about spending some time solving some real problems? Congress is made up of a bunch of jackasses.

The Michael Jackson trial: Michael Jackson should be locked up on general principle. The guy is a freak.

3. The TERRI SCHIAVO case: Pull the plug. For God's sake, pull the plug on that poor woman. If I end up as a vegatable, somebody put me out of my misery. Why is the government getting involved in this?

4. Drilling in Alaska: Drill! Drill! Drill! Invade Saudi Arabia (they gotta be guilty of something. we could say they're harboring terrorist and take the place)and drill!

I got nuthin. I did nothing of interest yesterday, and probably won't today. Looks like winter is here to stay.

Pop Quiz: Which actess will play Ashley Smith , the lady who was held hostage in Atlanta, in next week's made for TV movie?

A: Jessica Simpson
B: That broad from "Who's the Boss?"
C: That lady from CSI
D: Other

Tried to bury the cat today. What a rookie mistake. Okay, I get it. Perma-frost. Might as well have been trying to dig through solid ice. So Belle will have to lie in state until spring. Gross. I suppose I could build a little kitty-funeral pier in the backyard and have a Viking funeral or something . . I don't know. The thought of the dead cat in a UPS cardboard box until late April is freaking me out. The spirits of the dead wander if they don't get a decent burial. Will we be haunted? It might already be happening. Today I was vacuuming the living room --during commercials during the NASCAR race-- and the circuit breaker popped twice. Its never done that before. Coincidence? And the fuse box is downstairs in the storage room where the cat's litter box and food are still sitting, waiting for a cat that will never return to take a dump . . . Is Belle trying to contact us from the grave? And what will she be able to tell us? She can't actually talk. Never could. Will the garage stay cold enough to keep the body fresh? Should I put it in the freezer out in the garage? If I did, could her spirit enter the rib-roast, and by us consuming that meat later on, somehow take over me or the kids?

So yesterday I went out hunting for The Incredibles on DVD. I went to K-Mart, and they didn't have it. I asked the pimply little clerk if they had it, and he said he thought they did, but they might have sold out. I left, cursing K-Mart, cause they never have what I'm looking for. So I brave the traffic on Plainfield and go to Meijer, and they don't have it either. Turns out it doesn't release until Tuesday the 15th. I am such a monkey. I still hate K-Mart.

The cat died today. Cancer. Sorry to break the news. Her name was Belle. Good cat.

I have proof that the US did not fire on that Italian Journalist on purpose: If the US wanted to destroy a car, it would be destroyed. This self-serving Italian journalist wouldn't be around sniveling because her driver was wreckless and rushed an armed US Army checkpoint. Shut the F*ck up Italy. Jesus H. Christ in a Sidecar. If we wanted to destroy a friggin' car, it would be nothing but twisted metal and ash, and no one would ever hear about it.

On the lighter side, I took the girls to a school skating party this evening, and I, Dan Manning, roller skated. If only you could feel my inner thighs right now. No, not you, that would be wrong in oh so many ways. What I'm saying is, I'm going to be sore tomorrow in the inner thigh-buttock area. Hm. Maybe I shouldn't have brought any of that up. Anyway, the girls had a great time.

I've read a few news stories out people getting fired for writing about work on their internet blogs . Then I read that they are complaining about it. When I was working for a company here in town, I never, ever mentioned anything about work. That's because I knew I might get fired over it. Duh. Companies fire people. People can't talk smack about their employers to their faces, so why do people think they can badmouth their bosses on the Internet and get away with it? I think I know what causes this problem: People are stupid. The employees who post things that get them fired are stupid, and the employers who fire them are also stupid.

I can hear you already: But Dan, what about freedom of speech? Ha! You're free to say anything you want my niave reader, but your boss if free to say whatever he or she wants, and unfortunatly for you, two words in the English language, when put together, spell trouble for you: "You're fired."

Dan's Safety Tip: Don't try to run US Army checkpoints and expect not to get shot at. Duh.

This weekend I took the kids sledding,(see video clips) but otherwise, not much is going on. Just waiting out this snow. Otherwise, I got nuthin'.

I've gotten to the point that I have low expectations regarding films. I've been let down so many times it is easy to expect disappointment again. "Saw" is the exception. This is a suspenseful, balanced thriller. I thought it would be gory, like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", but it wasn't gory at all. It kept Deb and me riveted throughout, with plot twists using flashbacks and scene cuts that were next to perfect. The ending. Oh my God, the ending. You have to see this film.

I have a new mojo to make my phone ring on slow days: I play xbox. As soon as the game gets good, the phone rings and I have more work.

Here's something you should never try: merlot and black jelly beans. Uhg. They don't mix.

a werewolf thriller, was half-way decent. while it was scary in the beginning, it got silly toward the climactic action sequence toward the end. There are some funny one-liners and startling pop-out-and-scare-you surprises. There are a few flaws in this movie, the biggest being Scott Baio and Craig Kilborn both appear as themselves. Bad. Scott Baio is the curse of any movie, and the film would have at least been better had they been left out.

One interesting side note, the theatre we went to see this movie in was just about empty. Then three people came and sat almost directly behind us, although they were about a million empty rows. Then they talked during the movie.

I really said that. It was fantastic. Then I sat back down, and we didn't hear another peep out of them for the rest of the movie. Really.

Want to save some money? Don't buy George Carlin's new book. It looks like he just typed half a page on whatever crossed his mind, and they bound it and called it a book because he's George Carlin. It was almost completely stupid and I've got crap like that all over my hard-drive that will never see the light of day because I'm not George Carlin. That's my book review for the day, and, just like George Carlin, I only have about this much to say about it.

There's an annoying girl two tables down who is talking a mile a minute trying to be witty. She's talking to her boyfriend(?) metro-sexual platonic friend(?) who gives a shit. She's annoying and I want to go over and say "Could you stop trying to be witty? You're not. You're trying to sound witty and intelligent, but you're not." Kind of like what I'm trying to be on this page. I’m a bore just like the girl in the bookstore, but I'm not forcing anybody to read it.

My job is boring. If you used to work with me, please stop asking me about my job. My job is boring, and I'm tired of talking about it. I fix computers for a living. It's one step above (or below, depending on how you look at it ) from being a plumber. I use simple techniques to unclog computers for money. That's it. There's nothing else to tell. Please stop asking because I feel the need to embellish my stupid, monkey-could-do-it-for-a-banana job. Thank you.

I got an email from a friend of mine. He filled me in on things, asked me how things were here in Michigan. I responded like this:

for the last year and a half, I've been self-employed, because Meijer, where I worked in the IT department, had a huge layoff. My new company is a1 computer service & repair (www.a1csr.com) , and i've been surprisingly able to pay mortgage, groceries, bills with the money i'm making, and i've even secured some basic health insurance. Being self-employed kicks ass. Except for slow days, where I procrastinate so I can avoid failing to write bad fiction. (is thrity-eight too old to be doing what a middle school student could probably do in his spare time for extra spending money?)

We have snow, snow, and more snow, but now that cabin fever has set in, it doesn't matter, because all the life has been sapped out of me and I'm now like the walking dead. Only the faint ember of hope in an early spring keeps me from axe murdering everybody. (just kidding! sort of please don't call the cops! : )

my big goals today are to go to the bank and mail some packages. Then I'll probably come home and spend the afternoon sobbing quietly while looking at a blinking curser inside a blank word document, drinking whisky straight while writer's block threatens to turn me into a vegatable.

Today we took the kids to see the movie "Because of Winn Dixie" and it was a pretty good movie (for a kids' movie). Otherwise, it was snow and cabin fever. I watched the Datona 500. Jeff Gordon came in first, and Mark Martin was sixth. Otherwise, I have nothing to report, because my life is boring. Thanks for tuning in.

There was an article in today's paper titled: "U.S. not planning to attack Iran, president says". Of course, this means: "U.S. planning to attack Iran." Because George Bush is a pathological liar. Plus, Iran has oil, so we will invade Iran and take their oil. Our 51st state, Iraq, is still in turmoil, but it will settle down. Soon they will be eating McDonald's and watching the OC and shopping at Wal-Mart like the hillbillies in the continental 48. They will succumb to the freedom we have forced upon them, and they will like it. They will become corporate-consuming zombies. They will be converted to Christianity. They will watch Bill O-Reilly. They will vote Republican. Sean Hannity shall adorn their currency. They will take those towels off their heads and wear ball caps. Freedom is on the march. No matter how much it costs, we must continue to fight.

The Iranians will be bombed. We will kill their women and children, and they will greet us with flowers and chocolate. It won't cost much, and we'll offset the cost of the war with their oil. We will fight them until they accept defeat. We will bomb them into democracy. We will set up puppet governments. Iran will be our 52nd state. And with a Starbucks on every corner, Abacrombi and Fitch in every Mosque, we will be victorious. Our corporate masters will smile down on us as we consume their product. George Bush shall dissolve the republic and declare himself King. Christianity will be the official religion and the masses will bow down or be bombed.

Tonight I went to KFC to pick up dinner. While there, I heard Hall and Oats' 1984 smash hit "Out of Touch". I worked today, mostly to cover some medical bills. Alex had Bronchitis, at least she did last night, and she had a huge fever. Had to take her to the doctor and all that. But she's okay now. Savannah went to "cheer camp" today. She had a good time.

Otherwise, I'm writing again, such as it is. I have the sinking feeling that I can type, but I can't write. Oh well, twenty years wasted. No problem.

Looks like we're going to Iran next . Here's a map of Iran so you can get familiar with it ahead of time so those battle maps on CNN don't look to unfamiliar.

I just heard a news program on the radio that makes me shake my head and go, "That's stupid." I seems that on death row in Connecticut, the inmates are staging a hunger strike. I found a story about it on the web. death row inmates are kept in solitary 23 hours a day, with solitary recreation time outside their cells one hour a day.

A-duh. They're on death row. Suicidal tendencies should be expected. They shouldn't have f**ked up and got on death row in the first place.

I'm not a big fan of GW and his simplistic foreign policy, but the Iraq voting went over better than was expected. I suppose I have to give him credit (grudgingly). If nothing else good comes of this madness King George has cooked up, at least the Iraqis didn't back down to the bombers and thugs. Now if they could just stand up a decent army so we could get our soldiers out of there. Can you imagine the American turnout if people were going to get killed trying to vote in the United States? Some people skip voting in this country if it rains on election day.

Friday a few of us went to the Cottage Bar downtown and had dinner, then we went to a Rampage football game. Grand Rapids got whomped by Nashville. Still it was a good time had by all. The game was so bad, Mark and I ended up playing music trivia when they played music between plays.

We're number ONE! We're NUMBER ONE! That's right! Michigan is NUMBER ONE in unemployment. Take that South Carolina. Second place is for LOSERS! Ha ha ha!

Now that I’ve given up my dream of being a writer, I’ve been watching more television, and communing with my TIVO. And these women keep making passes at me! I’m not sure which woman wants to f**k me more: The girl from the Overstock.com commercials, or the girl from the Levitra commercial. They both have that “come hither (and do me)” look about them that makes me wonder, can they see me through the glass? I mean for Christ’s sake, could they radiate SLUT a little more clearly? Like nobody knows what the double entendre is when she goes “have you discovered THE BIG O?” I don’t know lady, have you discovered the “OBVIOUS SEXUAL REFERENCE?”

Jackass commercial writers. The only decent wiener commercial is the one for Enzyte where the guy is smiling his brains out, and his wife is smiling her brains out because apparently, he’s f**king her brains out with his newly “enhanced” unit. Those are pretty funny.

By the way, if I lasted for “more than four hours,” I’d wouldn’t call a doctor. I’d be calling everybody I know and saying, “WHOOO! I’m a big stuuuuud! I dialed your phone number with my medically enhanced unit! Whoo-hoo!" And then I'd hang up and dial somebody else. I would probably do this because of a lack of blood circulation in my brains.

“Ah,” you say. “If you have a TIVO, why are you watching commercials?” Well, the answer is simple. I fast forward through the commercials, except when my girlfriends from the wiener commercials come on. I’m trying to let them down easy. Plus, I kind of miss them.

No updates recently because I've been really busy. I did get a Tivo this week, and I've been pre-occupied with that. It's pretty neat-o.

Speaking of writing, I think I'm going to have to face the fact that I'm never going to be a famous novelist. I'm going to be a famous satirist or essayist, or some kind of "ist."

I can type pretty fast, but I'm lacking a little thing called, hm... what's the word? Talent. Yes, that's it, talent. I'm going to stop creating new things to write about (and failing miserably), and instead cynically make fun of things that already exist. Yes. No one has thought of that before.

People will call me "witty" or "scathingly truthful" or "idiotic." Yes, this is my calling: to make snide remarks at the expense of our most hallowed institutions: Government, Religion, and Pop Culture.

Then again, maybe I'm just another jackass with a computer keyboard and an opinion.

Regardless of my long-term plans, today I'm going to sit on my fat ass, drink Corporate beer and watch millionaires play football.

Most overused word or phrase by NFL football commentators: "Explode" or "explosive." Bombs explode. Roadside IEDs in Baghdad "explode." Football players do not "explode." If a football player actually "exploded" on the football field, the game would be called and a lot of people would need counseling.

INNSBRUCK, Austria (AP) -- A Polish woman who harbored a grudge against her husband's employer has been sentenced to four months' imprisonment for terrorizing the boss by making ghostly sounds at his castle-like estate.

The 42-year-old woman, whose name was not released, was convicted on nuisance charges after she allegedly spent weeks masquerading as a ghost and making mysterious noises, Austrian television reported.

Police captured the woman on videotape after the jittery owner, who employed the suspect's husband, begged authorities in the alpine province of South Tyrol to solve the mystery.

The haunted owner had complained of hearing footsteps in the hallways and slamming doors late at night at the estate near Austria's southern border with Italy.

Yesterday I got an email from a machine telling me there was a package on my front porch. This was yesterday evening, after I took the girls sledding. I checked my email and there it was: "Delivered, front door, January 11, 2005 4:13 PM." This was just a few minutes before I checked the email. I went to the front porch (we normally go in and out through the side door, so I never would have check the front porch) and there it was, a package I had ordered. Parts for work.

So a computer told me to look out the front door stupid, there's a package waiting for you.

I was at McDonalds, and I had to take a leak. So they're playing Musak outside, and I go into the bathroom, and mixed in with the Musak was Van Halen "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love." So they play Van Halen music over the PA in McDonald's bathrooms. Weird.

I can't wait for the football playoffs to resume. I can't stand it! I can't stand it!

The NFL post-season. The Jets' overtime victory over the chargers was great. Looking forward to another 8 hours of quality time with my couch and television.

This year, the Superbowl teams will be:
Indianapolis vs. Philadelphia. Eagles win by field goal.
So let it be written, so let it be done.
Or not, whatever.

Tried to watch "Law and Order" for the first time this evening. What a bunch of pretentious, annoying people. I haven't been around a lot of cops, but I suspect they don't act like the folks on this TV show. At first I thought I was watching a parody of an actual show. And when they look directly at the camera? Come on! I want to watch TV. I don't want my TV watching me. Who directs that piece of crap? A Jr. High drama class? Holy crap, we're in trouble if that kind of s**t is popular. Then again, a lot of people watch wrestling.

I've had to deal with two Gateway computers today, and it's been a nightmare. Me no like-ee.

I like Nyquil though. I like the sneeze right after I take a shot of the stuff. Oh yes.

Well, enough of my sick world. I'd like to remind you all once again to donate to the red cross. 150 thousand+ people dead, and the orphans, and the destroyed infrastructure, and all that other stuff should be enough to make you cough up twenty bucks.

Writing like a crazy man! Of course, that's because it's been a slow day on the computer-fix-it front. But I got some calls and I'm going to be busy for the rest of the week. I ran three miles today, and yesterday. Othewise, not much is going on. I got some wicked gas. Thought I'd share that with you. Night!

Spent the entire day on the couch, because Sunday is a day or REST! I watched the lions lose, then i watched this PBS special on the Middle East that was pretty damned interesting. They've been fighting over there forever.

So I wasted an entire day sitting on the couch. I suppose I should have been doing something else. I could have insulated the attic, or wrote a bestseller or something.

(5:23 PM) There's a commercial for a Jeep Renegade where they shoot a Jeep out of a volcano. It lands, and to show how tough the vehicle is, it drives off like it was nothing. But what gets me is when the thing lands, they print, in little disclaimer letters: "do not attempt." Who in world is going to shoot their Jeep out of a volcano because they saw it in a commercial? I mean COME ON!