People always think I'm hysterically funny. Well, most people do. Most of the time, anyway. Or at least, I'm pretty sure that's what they're thinking. Rather, I wish they were thinking that. I'm sure they would if they could hear me. Oh, who am I kidding, they're not even there. What the heck - it's a party in my head, and here's how you can sound crashingly witty just like me. You know you've made it when you get a friend to snork beer out the nose, there is NOTHING in this world - not sex, not money, not possessions - that compares to the satisfaction of watching a friend do this from something you said.

When older people (I use this on my Grandfather to this day. He doesn't get it at all, and he'll never change, but it just keeps getting funnier) mention a "colored person", interrupt and ask what color s/he was. My Grandpa always stops, and looks at me like I am sooo stupid, and says "he was colored black". And, in my head, I'm dying laughing again.

If someone says "You're kidding!", tell them no, your jokes are funnier than that.

If someone says "Don't tell me blah blah blah", just say OK.

If someone asks why you're into <insert geeky interest here>, say "Chicks dig it".

Learn some good similies/metaphors: Slicker 'n deer guts on a pump handle. Harder than Chinese algebra.

If someone says "... you can't have everything", say "right - where would you put it?". That's a Steven Wright line, AFAIK, but it occurs often enough to be used.

If someone says "... sorry, just talking to myself", say " the only trouble with that is half the time you know what you're going to say next"

If someone asks if you've ever been to a particular place, and you haven't, say "No, but I saw it on a map once."