Kids are hysterical, their brains are so loosely wired. Here's some winners from our daughters, Katie and Alyssa
(Katie, age 2.5)
Mom: "Katelyn, you behave!"
Katie: "I'm being have!"
(Katie, age 3) Katie: Mommy, don't be loud like a monster, be quiet like a marshmallow.
Mommy: Like a marshmallow?!
Katie: Yes, because marshmallows don't talk, they just sit there and don't say anything.
(Katie, age 3.5) "Daddy, you're getting the water all wet!"
(Katie, age 3.5) "Daddy, I don't want my vitamins to talk to me this morning like Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet, because that tires me out!"
(Katie, age 4) "Sometimes when I count to 20, I skip 15 just for fun"
(Katie, age 4) "Lissa (her younger sister), you can't be a waterfall yet, I'm still being a waterfall. You have to wait."
(Katie, age 4) "The stop signs at preschool can't talk, because they have legs where their mouth is supposed to be, and they can't walk because they have mouths where their legs are supposed to be. So when they try to walk, they just do this: ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba"
(Katie, age 4, when asked what she wished for for her birthday) "My 1-year-old wish was to have long hair. My 2-year-old wish was to have a happy family. My 3-year-old wish was to have a good 4-year-old life. My 4-year-old wish is to have shiny teeth."
(Alyssa, age 2.5): Alyssa and I were walking in a park with a lake, watching some ducks swim around. She says: "Daddy, when I was a little duckling, I used to swim around in that lake, and eat dandelions". Who knew?
(Katie, age almost 5): "I'm so full, my stomach feels like a hammock."
(Alyssa, age 2.75): (At a big parent/kid picnic, Alyssa points out a little boy she doesn't know and says loudly...) "Does that little kid have a penis?"
(Alyssa, age 2.8) "I'm giving my horse a rattle so the bees won't get him" (No, giving you the context of this quote would not make it any clearer!)
(Alyssa, age 3.4) "I love you more than a pile of rocks."
(Alyssa, age 3.8) "If you drink all of your juice first, then all of your food will either sink or float."
(Alyssa, age 4.99) "If you had a really big sandwich, and you ate half of it, and you ate half of what was left, and you ate half of what was left, and you ate half of what was left, and you just kept going like that - would you ever finish the sandwich?"
(Alyssa, ago 5) "I'm so happy I'm jingling!"
(Alyssa, age 5) (Alyssa is dressing up, and puts on a 2-piece kid's bathing suit) "Look, Mommy, I'm wearing a zucchini!" (Um, that's "bikini", honey) "I know. I say 'zucchini' because I have an accent"
(Katie, age 7) Katie is a Professional Worrier, and when I told her one day about rattlesnakes (which are occasionally seen in Colorado) - she started looking for them everywhere & asking me lots of questions. Here's the best one: "What if I'm running away from a rattlesnake, and I accidentally step on another rattlesnake?"
(Alyssa, age 6) Alyssa was doing a made-up goodnight prayer, in front of her aunt:
Thank you for the world
Thank you for the Sun
Thank you for the Moon
Thank you for the.... bun ("that's to eat")
(Katie, age 8, relating one of the 10 Commandments) "Thou shalt not worship a false idiot"
(Katie, age 8.5, while wrestling with Alyssa) "Ow! You hit me right in the nuts!" We had to gently explain that that just wasn't possible.
(Alyssa, age 6.9, in a public restroom with Mom prior to her dance recital)
"Mom, did you dance when you were a little girl?"
(just at home, honey, not in front of people)
"Is that because you didn't have stage presence?" <and the woman in the next stall cracks up>
(Alyssa, age 7) "Sometimes, when you tell me I'm doing something wrong, I'm sticking my tongue out at you in my mind."
(Alyssa, age 7) "You can do that as many times as you like, as long as it is once or more."
(Katie, age 10, after looking at my salsa page) "When I grow up, I'm going to have a website, and I'm going to review macaroni."
(Katie, age 11) "Can I say something? Because it might cause corruption."
(Katie, age 11.9. A big topic among her peer group is having a period, who has had it already, when hers might come, etc.) "We could buy a greeting card that says "A Standing Ovation For Your First Ovulation"
Kid Opposites
I never recorded the ages for these, but here are some funnily mangled opposites:
The opposite of "nobody home" is "yesbody home"
The opposite of "in like Flynn" is "out like Flout"