22 Jan 97 23:18:22 Due to the popularity of the requests, here goes... As I have mentioned before, I knew where the origin of our own dear Scotty was... but an undead Jehovah's Witness was needed to open the vault. Well, with a little help from ol' Tentacle Face, I finally found one... when a Jehovah's Witness gets drunk enough, they'll break their vows in a big way, which would explain why all of the livestock in a 50 mile radius were walking funny. He finally killed himself, though, trying to screw a porcupine... poor Witness pricked himself to death. Cthulhu owed me a favor (since I showed him where Roseanne's shower was), and he raised the JW from the dead in an unholy ceremony, creating an undead Jehovah's Witness. After the JW was used to open the dreaded vault, it was stabbed through the heart with a wooden steak (stolen from a political dinner), its head cut off and the mouth filled with garlic... which was later served to a nice Tibetan family as cheesy head soup. The remnants of the body were burned beyond recognition by the simple expediant of giving Cthulhu beans and a lighter... So now it was time... time to open the dreaded evil tome and discover the origin of Scott "Weasel Molester" Dupuis. The proper prayers were made, and a stale Cheeto was sacrificed... now was the time for the sacred chant: "Eenie, meenie, miney, moe Larry, Curly, Shemp and Joe This is what I'd like to know The birth of the Kai from the land of snow." With a deep and nasty groan, the book trembled its way open, the serious nature of the ceremony being marred only by its complaints "Can't you get a better chant? Jeez... 50 million historians and I end up with you..." The Legend Of Scott Dupuis ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (in Technicolor!) A miraculous start had appeared in the North, signalling a pretentiously momentous event. Heads of state and their religious counterparts were puzzled, but they were also aware that it meant that something really special was about to happen... so they selected three representatives to find out what it meant, and if they could raise tazes at the same time. The delegation set forth, and they finally found the source of the mysterious event (after stopping three times to get directions). There, laid forth in a manger, was an infant in sweltering clothes... The Child. The Wise Men did bless The Child, and they did worship him, causing much confusion among the parents of The Child, who thought they had a changeling on their hands. And thus did the Wise Men bow and pray, blessing the birth of The Child, until The Child did burp, whereupon they did bow and pray some more for the wisdom that The Child had shown. The parents of The Child did see all of this, and they were puzzled... they were unaware of the magnificent star overhead, and did not know what the birth of The Child would mean to the world. Hours did pass, and the Wise Men did continue to bow and pray, and beseech the Lord to show them yet another sign, for they were certain that the birth of The Child meant that the world was about to become a better place (little did they know). Mary and Joseph (Danny?) became bored, and were wandering about the stall, fussing and cleaning, for they had never had important visitors before. As the sun began to drop down behind the horizon, Mary realized that it was past time to feed The Child. So... The Child did start to coo and gurgle and play with himself. Thus did Joseph turn to Mary and yell "Put those away! We've got company, dammit!" And Mary did close her robe and vow that Joseph wasn't getting any tonight... besides, these Wise Men were giving her a headache. One of the Wise Men was carrying a strange, bent wooden stick, and he stepped forth and raised his arms to the heavens. "Oh, Lord, we beseech you, show us a sign!" A beam of light from the fading star pierced the heavens and shown down upon the crib, shedding heavenly glory on the tarnished halo of The Child as angels began to sing... and reality wobbled slightly as Somebody realized just who it was that was having their origin revealed. Shadows shifted and light warped, sending a ripple through the atmosphere. When things settled down again, the worshippers looked into the crib to discover that the halo had been replaced by a knit ski cap, and that The Child now clutched a piece of back bacon in one hand, and a bottle of Molson in the other. One of the Wise Men raised his head and shook his hand at the sky, yelling in a familiar voice "Oy, you stupid git! It's bad enough that he's going to be arguing with Americans for the rest of his life without you adding fuel to the fire, eh?!" From the heavens came a resoundingly deep - and distinctly feminine - voice "Sorry, mate." Reality rippled once again, and when it finished wavering, the ski cap had disappeared... though the halo did not reappear. Another ripple, and the back bacon disappeared. A final ripple, and the beer bottle disappeared. At this point, The Child did begin to yell and scream, using words which he shouldn't have known yet... his yells ending when the bottle reappeared. The complaining Wise Man shook his head "You just can't get a good god nowadays." From out of the clouds came the sarcastic cry of "Oh, yeah?", and a bolt of lightning came sailing down to smite the Wise Man precisely in the butt, causing him to lose his toupee. Thus was it time for the Wise Men to fulfill their destinies, and thus was it time for them to reveal The Child's destiny. But first... The first Wise Man stepped up to the crib, and turned to Mary and Joseph. "Oh wise and wonderful parents of The Child, I do beseech you to bless our venture, and to accept from us these small tokens of our appreciation. We would ask that you would..." At this point, Joseph (or is it Danny?) broke in with "Yes, yes, I've seen all the bloody movies. Now would you hurry up? The Montreal Canadiens are playing tonight, and I don't want to miss any of the game." The Wise Man smiled, showing various gaps in his teeth. "It's funny that you should mention that, for my gift is entirely suitable for The Child Who Is Your Son." So stating, the Wise Man dropped his robe, and Joseph did see that he wore a shirt of a type never before seen in these parts. Across the front of the shirt was the logo "L.A. Kings", and across the back was the magical name "Gretzky". The Wise Man stepped forward and said "I am the Wise Man Wayne, and my gift to The Child is this: he shalt have a love of the cold, and a love of a good fight... and he shall also have this." So saying, Wise Man #1 presented Joseph with the bent stick... Joseph looked it over, and handed it to The Child. The Child grasped the stick, and immediately proved that he was gifted from birth by slashing out with the stick and catching Wise Man Wayne squarely in the nuts. Wayne's world faded to a black agony... Everyone pretended to ignore the wounded Wise Man, and continued with the less-than-mystical ceremony. Wise Man #2 stepped forth, seeming to sway and sashay in a manner that Joseph hadn't seen since the night that he met Mary in a strip club. Joseph took a closer look at the Wise Man and wondered why the beard didn't look quite right... All wonders ceased when Wise Man #2 stripped off the false beard and dropped her robe, causing all males in the vicinity to go temporarily blind. "I am the Wise Man Elle, and my gift to The Child is thus: he shalt have a love of Aussie babes... and he shall also have this." So saying, Wise Man #2 presented Joseph with a string bikini... Joseph didn't even notice when The Child grabbed it from his hand, for like all the other males present, Joseph was busy staring at the Goddess Elle. While a bikini may be an unusual gift for a child, the most unusual fact about it was the fact that - up until a moment ago - Wise Man Elle had been wearing it. Finally Mary smacked Joseph in the back of the head with the bent stick, which brought Joseph back to his senses... once again, Joseph found himself telling a woman to please close her robe, as The Child was starting to stain his crib... The Child showed his dexterity with this new gift, twirling it around in the air in a manner which caused Joseph to recall why he had married Mary in the first place. The third Wise Man stepped forward, he of the heavenly complaints and the familiar voice. He stripped off his robe to reveal an expensive three-piece suit, with a tiny maple leaf pinned to his lapel. "I am the Wise Man Pierre, and my gift to The Child is thus: he shalt have a love of Canada, and a love of international arguing... and he shall also have this." Wise Man Pierre unpinned the maple leaf from his lapel and handed it directly to The Child. The Child showed his dexterity with this gift as well, waving it in the air until it seemed to be a flag of destiny. There was a temporary glitch in nature, causing ripples to once more dance forth across the firmament... when the wavering had finished, all seemed to be the same - until one noticed that Wise Man Pierre had been replaced by another Trudeau entirely, and that Mary and Joseph now looked like Boopsie and B.D. The glitch was only temporary, however, and everything went back to normal... almost normal, as Joseph was wearing a football helmet which he quickly removed and threw out of the stable, hitting a passing librarian. The Wise Men were getting ready to leave when Mary stopped them. "Wait a minute... aren't you supposed to tell us about his grand and glorious destiny?" The Wise Men huddled and thought it over, their discussion being interrupted only once by a slap when Wise Man Elle removed Wise Man Pierre's hand from under her robe. They broke their huddle with the cry of "Go, Yankees!", and turned to the expectant parents. Wise Man Pierre was the chosen spokesperson. "He shall know his destiny when he guesses the laden weight of a European swallow carrying a coconut." The Wise Men quickly left before Mary and Joseph began asking questions that they couldn't answer. Years passed, and Joseph was beginning to regret throwing out the helmet, for the aim of The Child was improving... Eventually Mary decided to go back to her old job, and they gave The Child up for adoption. There were very few applicants, and the couple was wondering if they could ever get rid of The Child, until a nice Yeti couple walked in. Joseph and Mary didn't ask any questions, but quickly turned over custody of The Child to them. The Yetis brought The Child back to their well-furnished cave, complete with cable TV (Daddy Yeti was a Baywatch fan). Over the years, they taught their odd son the various things which he would need for survival in the world; Daddy Yeti taught him how to drive a zamboni, while Mama Yeti taught him to close the bathroom door if he was going to do that... she wasn't really worried, however, as she figured that this way he'd grow at least a little hair. Eventually The Child grew, and realized his sterling destiny on the day that he shot down a swallow carrying a coconut... But that's a story for another time. Msg#: 9 Date: 05 Feb 97 20:28:58 Part 2: His Immaculate Destiny (with apologies to Robert Heinlein for the title steal) The person who would eventually become the EchoKai led a fairly normal childhood in the wilderness of the frozen North, happy and cheerful with Mommy and Daddy Yeti. He'd been told about his unusual birth, and the three strange visitors who had graced his cradle when a blazing star had appeared overhead (it was later revealed that the blazing star was in actuality an old Sputnik satellite which had gotten too close to the sun and had gone up in a ball of flame). He had been told the tale of his destiny, and how it was expected to make itself known to him. He knew all this, and he remembered - barely - the three strangers who had appeared. In fact, he still had the three gifts given to him by the Wise Men, though the stick was more than a little damaged and worn by now, while the maple leaf had in turns tarnished and brightened as the years passed. He still had the bikini, and brought it out of hiding occasionally when he thought no-one was looking, as it gave him funny feelings. Then one day the Guy-Who-Would-Be-Kai was out in the fields, playing around on the ice, when he heard a flatulent noise overhead. There, up in the sky, he saw a strange flying creature, carrying an odd object. Remembering the wise words of the Wise Men, TheNoLongerChild raised his stick to the sky (remembering thousands of old American movies), pointed it at the flying creature, and yelled "Bang!" Magic worked its way, and the airborne apparition crashed to the ground. TheNoLongerChild ran up to it, hoping to finally solve the mystery of just how the swallow carried he coconut, but when he arrived at the feathered corpse he found something much worse than expected... for instead of a swallow carrying a coconut, it was a strange parakeet-looking creature carrying a large spider; TheScotty had shot down a budgie carrying a palukoo. Now, if things had just gone on normally from there, this tale probably wouldn't need to be told, and TheScotty would still be just another hockey puck in the Canadian wilderness. Unfortunately for him - and for the world - the palukoo-bearing budgie was an experimental creature of Australian origin, belonging to the woman who would eventually become the terror of the world, the Mistress of Destiny, the Thunder From Down Under, the one-and-only Mary Ann Draganis. It seems that TheMary had somehow acquired one of the imaginary spiders long before it was even introduced to the Trek community at large, and was experimenting with an explosive mail delivery system; someone had told her that there were vast uncharted territories in places other than Australia, and she had decided to sacrifice a few budgies in the name of science. Her experiments were not complete, nor were they entirely accurate, as the palukoo failed to explode when it hit the ground... not all was lost, however, as the nitro nightwing was soon to play its part in the thread of history. TheScotty saw the huge hairy spider, and natural instinct took over: he whacked at the squirming creature with hsi magical stick [damn, that sounds kinky]... The ensuing explosion wiped out a great deal of wilderness (in later years, worshippers would take this place as their own, and rebuild it as the perfect shrine for the EchoKai; thus did the shattered woodlands become the Calgary Stampede), and the Yeti Family came running out, desperate to ensure the safety of their strange offspring. Mama Yeti came running up to discover her perverted child looking like an old cartoon: entirely black from head to toe, with only the whites of his eyes showing, TheNoLongerChild blinked twice, and collapsed into a pile of ash. Then the second miracle of the lad's life occurred (the first being that he survived being born as a Canadian): a scintillating, silvery glow enveloped the pile of steaming remnants, and up from it arose TheScotty, hale and hearty. With a strange, twisted smile upon his face, he announced "It's all so clear now! I know what I must do!" Mama Yeti wasn't so sure - though he appeared to be in one piece, she was certain that the blown-up bug had scrambled his brain (and who's to say that she was wrong?). Over the next few days, the Guy-Who-Would-Be-Kai made his plans. Mama and Daddy Yeti tried to dissuade him from his chosen course of action, but to no avail: TheScotty was boldly going where no-one had gone before (no, not the woods - everybody goes there). Taking his magic stick and his fluttering maple leaf (and wearing his magic bikini for luck), TheScotty set out for the realm of Terok Nor, and his meeting with destiny. (to be continued...?)