Ä Area: 109 ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Msg#: 7 Date: 30 Jul 95 14:31:00 WARNING: Twisted mind at work. Not intended for the humor-impaired. CHICKEN TREK - THE SERIES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tonights episode: "Cardmaker" Act 1 - Crossing The Road (to be renamed Act 4 when the sequel comes out...) The timing was right, the day was beautiful. All portents and signs were in place. The pages of holy divinity had been turned, and the wheels of the figgin had been well and truly greased. The hour of the... ("Pssst! Quit blathering and get on with it!") Urm, yes... As I was saying, History was about to be made... The feathered biped waited, and then made its move. A cry went up throughout the FidoNation: The chicken has crossed the road! (The FurryEngi were severely disappointed... they had bet that it wouldn't cross the road without the proper permits and collision insurance). Over at Station Deep Space Opera, Quirk grumbled as Norm held out his hand... Quirk never did like losing a bet. Norm collected his platinum, then wandered off with a shapely Adobo girl, giving Cindy a big 'thumbs up' on the way out. A small scoutship cruised near the CardAssassin border, seemingly minding its own business. A FidoNation reporter suddenly appeared on the bridge, mike in hand. He approached the person he had been told was the Captain, only to find a woman in overalls. Determined to finally make the big scoop, he gathered his courage and went up to her. "Excuse me Captain... why did the chicken cross the road?" The Captain (if that indeed was who she was supposed to be) looked around nervously. "Chicken? Road? We know nothing of these matters. We are simple CardAssassin farmers, out cruising around for fun and the occasional sheep." Just then a lowly Ensign approached the farmer, his uniform emblazoned with the words 'I joined the Obsidian Order, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt'. "Captain - sensor readings indicate that our target is now in sight." The Captain bristled angrily and turned on the Ensign. "Fool! You forget your place! Return to your station... I mean, please go back to your hayloft, Jimmy." "Yes, Capt- I mean, Farmer Brown." The reporter all but forgotten, Farmer Brown turned to her instruments... now was her chance to do something properly for a change, something which would make the High Command forget that she had gotten drunk at last week's party and had accidentally mistaken Legate BanthaPoodoo's 2000-year-old urn for a bathroom receptacle. The ship hesitated, then swooped. Circuitry buzzed, and the transporters did their job. Suddenly the transporter room was filled with an angry squawking as the chicken realized what had happened to it. Special Agent XM was in a fowl mood... Gulf Thud (excuse me, "Uncle Joe") was on hand to greet the chicken. "Congratulations on a successful mission, Agent XM! The High Command will be pleased to know that you have defeated the FidoNation's latest secret weapon!" Agent XM (whose true name was Seymour Rocketship) was *not* pleased. He had wanted to cross the road several more times, just to see if it could be done... and to see what was on the other side. Until the medical technicians completed the surgical alterations which would return him to his normal form, however, all he could do was squawk. "Bawk, bawk... bawk!" ("You bloody idiot! I need to cross the road again... this is the most devastating weapon yet created by the FidoNation! I still haven't figured out what the yellow lines are for!") History has a way of doubting itself... events were about to happen which would change the lives of the crew forever - or at least for a three-hour tour. Speakers screamed as the computer automatically triggered a Red Alert... sensors had picked up an unknown energy form rapidly approaching the ship. The crew was tossed about as the memory of a displacement wave grabbed the ship... Act 2 - Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cigar. Deep in the Alphabet Quadrant, the newest Interrupted class starship hovered in orbit around the Urth. Its Captain was down on the planet, recruiting a special observer from a penile colony, by the orders of StoredFleet. The Captain had wanted to land on the planet instead of beaming down, but had decided not to when he discovered that they didn't have valet parking. He might not have a ship to return to, however... the USS Tallywhacker (NCC-69) was so brand new that it didn't actually exist yet, being just a figment of the imagination. Captain Phallic A. Symbol was trying his best to persuade former Ensign Ramses Trojan that he was serious - it wasn't easy, though, as the Ensign had been out late the night before and was fairly well worn out. "You've seen StoredFleet's orders, Mister - are you going to agree to sign on with us for this mission, or are you just going to lay around here?" The orders were simple: StoredFleet Intelligence had finally done something right for a change, and had figured out that an innocent looking chicken was actually a CardAssassin insurgent, working in the DeCivilianized Zone. (Of course, everyone else in the galaxy already knew this... it had even been on the 6 o'clock news, which was probably where SFI had gotten its detailed information) They weren't sure exactly what the chicken's mission was, but they did know that it was masquerading as a member of a highway repair crew. Their job was to grab the terrorist chicken before it could report back to its CardAssassin masters. Trojan was finally convinced - anything had to be better than working in the rubber plantation at the penile colony. He and the Captain beamed up to the Tallywhacker. The First Officer, Commander Cheeky Bugger (a real butthead) was waiting for them in the transporter room... StoredFleet had sent an urgent message, telling them the chicken had crossed the road. Orders were given for maximum speed, and the Gaboran Ensign at the Helm (or was she a Lieutenant?) set a course for the DCZ. Unfortunately, it was such a new ship - or was it just imaginary? - that nothing worked quite right. The warp nacelles moved up, then back down. Then back up, then back down. Then back up... well, you get the picture. With its nacelles flapping, the Tallywhacker headed for its rendezvous with destiny. "Captain's Log - stardate 49... ummm... let's see, carry the 3, drop the 7, multiply by your hat size... oh, the heck with it. Stardate sometime-in-the-24th-and-a-half-century: We have arrived at the last known coordinates of the enemy chicken, and are currently engaged in long range scans of all neighboring systems. Our orders are to discover what the CardAssassins are working on without damaging the integrity of the Zone and without breaking the Primed Invective. Despite the urgency of our mission, however, we must make a short stop in a nearby system and pick up my Security Chief, Commander TwoBucks, who has been masquerading as a porch swing in order to lure the Marquee into a false sense of security." Captain Symbol turned to his Helm Officer, Lieutenant (or was she an Ensign?) Bobbitt. "Lieutenant, please notify me when we reach the Hollywood Star System." "Yes, Captain." "By the way - what happened to your husband?" "He decided to cut his tour short.", she replied sharply. The Tallywhacker finally made it to the Hollywood Star System, after making two wrong turns and stopping five times to ask directions ("this wouldn't have happened if there had been a woman Captain on board", Commander Bugger thought to himself). Captain Symbol was on hand in the transporter room to greet his Security Chief. "So, Commander TwoBucks - was your mission successful?" "I believe so, Captain. However, it should be noted that the Marquee are only a front - all the real action happens inside the organization. It is not what I originally had pictured, but I did get plenty of evidence on film. That is not important at the moment; I believe StoredFleet has a mission for us which must be completed." Commander TwoBucks seemed exceptionally nervous, the Captain noticed... but he knew that the Commander, being a member of the GoodYear species, would never openly admit to any emotional problems. (They had emotions - and problems - of course, but the GoodYear would never *admit* that they had them... not in public, at least) The Tallywhacker warped out of orbit so quickly that they missed the angry message from Hollywood customs, demanding that TwoBucks pay the duties on the 30 copies of "Mary Does Melbourne" that he had picked up at the spaceport. [She's gonna kill me for that... ] To speed the story up, we'll cut right to the chase: the Tallywhacker was grabbed by the same displacement memory which had grabbed the CardAssassin scoutship... Act 3 - A Matter Of Scheduling Meanwhile, back at FidoNation HeadQuarters, Klingyawn Ambassador KiltedArc was ranting and raving at the FidoNation President. KiltedArc had been up late the night before, at a party thrown by a CardAssassin Legate (the CardAssassins threw plenty of parties... they just pretended not to enjoy them), and as a result couldn't quite remember where he was supposed to be, or what he was supposed to be doing. All he knew was that he had a gigantic hangover, and that a CardAssassin chicken had somehow managed to decipher the mystery of the FidoNation's latest weapon. Arguments raged, tempers flared, and accusations were hurled. Finally KiltedArc could stand it no more; raising his hand and pointing in the general direction of the FidoNation President, he proclaimed "Remember this well - there shall be no peace while the chicken lives!" After delivering this stunning pronouncement, KiltedArc turned and staggered towards the door, only to lose all sense of direction... crashing face first into the wall, he slowly slid to the floor and began muttering to himself. The GoodYear Ambassador to the FidoNation was not at all amused by KiltedArc's antics... he had received word late last night at the Legate's party that the chicken may have saved his son's life. He wasn't sure whether this was good or bad, though - the last time he had seen his son, Sprocket had insisted that he was a giant bean sprout and was going off to vegetate. (What Ambassador Sarong didn't know was that his son had been released from his vegetative state when Beamer had stopped by the Urth, asking for directions in its search for intelligent life... and to find out if anyone knew of a good mechanic for its model SL convertible energy cloud). KiltedArc was finally removed by FidoNation security personnel, and Ambassador Sarong left with Ramblin' Ambassador Nunchuck, bound and determined to discover whether or not Hooman women really were better... and to try and figure out why they both had pointy ears, when they knew they weren't related. In the FidoNation Council chambers, plots and plans were written and hatched, but no one could come up with any conceivable reason as to why the CardAssassin Empire would be interested in their latest road. They had also heard rumors that the CardAssassins were planning to sneak another agent into the DCZ, but were unsure as to what their response should be to this blatant violation of their latest unsigned treaty. They were also wondering what to do about the Marquee situation, as the flashing lights and Dolby Surround Sound were keeping them awake at night. Later that night, members of the Ramblin' and GoodYear governments had to go down to the station house and bail their Ambassadors out of jail... apparently, they had gotten into an argument over who had the cuter ears, and had then gone into a movie theater and sat in the front row screaming "Take it off, Lois!" during the previews of Superman 3000. Klingyawn Ambassador KiltedArc eventually recovered from his alchohlic haze, and promised himself never again to accept any dare which required one to drink 7-day-old grain alchohol out of a 2000-year-old urn... Over in the next quadrant (take a left turn at Albuquerque), a strange pink ship set a course for FidoNation space. The BunnyBorg were on the warpath, and they were very, very angry... none of their customers had filled out their registration forms, thus voiding any hope of a warranty or a tax break. Meanwhile, out in the far regions of unexplored space, the crews of both abducted ships were beginning to wake up... Act 4 - To Be, Or What? Captain Symbol slowly regained consciousness, lifting his head to peer around the darkened bridge. All around him, the rest of the StoredFleet crew was beginning to awaken as well, and he could hear numerous complaints of headache and hangover. In a querulous voice, he demanded "Report." Commander Bugger managed to get to his feet, and staggered over to the science station. He examined the station readouts and the sensor logs, made a list and checked it twice, and turned to the Captain. "Captain, as far as I can tell the ship is in one piece... barely. Main power is down, and the long-range sensors aren't working. Life support is functional, but I can't figure out why they let *her* negotiate the treaty. All decks are reporting in, but there seems to be one person missing: Ensign Hairy Dim. And there seems to be some kind of space station in front of us." Symbol was intrigued at this. "Station? What kind? Maybe we can get directions and refuel." He wasn't too worried about Dim, as he was fresh out of the Academy; and besides - Ensigns were supposed to be expendable. Down in SickBay, Trojan was trying his best to keep everyone calm, without actually doing anything. People were hurt, but he couldn't find the doctor anywhere... wait a minute, there he was. And there, and over there... ugh - so *that's* what he was stepping in... no real problem; the doctor didn't like him, anyway. He tried to call the bridge and inform them of the situation, but the communications system didn't seem to be working. Not to worry though; Commander Bugger had just come in the door on a tour of inspection. Bugger took the entire situation in at a glance (actually, several glances... Bugger was a little squeamish) and commanded "Computer - activate emergency inflatable nurse program." He got no response, and tried again. No response. Finally he walked over to the wall and gave it a good kick, which seemed to work; the emergency lights shut off while the standard lighting came back on, and the muzak began playing. He re-stated his request for the activation of the emergency inflatable nurse program (or, as he liked to call it, the blow-up bitch), and the computer replied: "There is no power for the supplemental medical system." "Damn.", Bugger muttered to himself. "That's the last time we get batteries from the BunnyBorg - next time we buy Duracells." Bugger assessed the situation, and did what any good First Officer does: he went to complain to the Captain. Captain Symbol knew exactly what to do in this situation; after all, this is what he had trained for all of his life... this, and flight attendant school. "Calm down, Number-One-Who-Looks-Like- Number-Two. Ensign Trojan has had medical training - we'll just have to use him until we find a replacement nurse. In the meantime we're going to assemble a team and beam over to that gas station you found." "Captain, do you think that's a wise idea? We don't know what's out there; you shouldn't risk yourself." "Stop making an ass of yourself, Cheeky Bugger. I'll be fine; after all, this is what StoredFleet has trained me for - and besides, I'm not an Ensign. Please return your seat to an upright position and extinguish all smoking stewardesses." Commander Bugger knew better than to argue... the Captain might send him to his quarters without dinner if he kept complaining. Instead, he went to fix the sensors, so they could find out where the heck they were... after several kicks (and a quick jab with a computer spoon), the instrumentation came back on line. He did a quick sensor sweep of the area... and didn't like what he saw. "Captain, you're not going to believe this. According to the sensors, we're not in the Alphabet Quadrant anymore... we've been moved seven full-length seasons away from FidoNation space, and are now in the DeltaBurke Quadrant." The Captain didn't like that. "Surely you must be joking." "No sir, I'm not joking... and stop calling me Shirley." Just then the comm system popped and wheezed, and slowly made its way back to life. Ensign (Lieutenant?) Bobbitt crawled out from under the console where she had been working, and dusted herself off. "Good job, Lieutenant." "It was easy, sir... I just had to tie the string back on to the can." Bobbitt returned to her station, and opened a communications channel to the alien habitat, hoping to find someone who could give them directions. Her signals went unanswered, but then she received an incoming hail from the CardAssassin ship... Act 5 - Where Tonto Pulls The Mask Off The Ol' Lone Ranger "This is Capt- Farmer Brown of the CardAssassin scoutshi- Agricultural Vessel 'Hay Baler'. We demand to know what you have done with our Engineer, Banana Taurus." Captain Symbol was surprised by the name... as far as he knew, the CardAssassins only bought foreign engineers, not domestic models. What he didn't know, however, was that Taurus was half-CardAssassin, and half-CardAssassin... on her mother's side of the family. "This is Captain Phallic Symbol of the FidoNation vessel USS Tallywhacker. We have done nothing" Farmer Brown stopped him. "What ship did you say?" Symbol frowned - this wasn't how the conversation was supposed to go. "This is the FidoNation vessel USS Tallywhacker." "Ah," exclaimed the CardAssassin, "Classus Interrupted." Symbol grew bright red. "Who told you about...", then he realized what she had said. "Yes - the finest vessel StoredFleet has. As I was saying, we have done nothing with your crewmember; in fact, we're missing one ourselves: Ensign Hairy Dim. It would seem that we both have the same problem, therefore we should work together to come to a common solution. We were just about to beam a far-away team over to the alien gas station - perhaps you would like to join us?" Farmer Brown was surprised - such offers of cooperation between their species were completely unknown... what she didn't know was that Captain Symbol's flight attendant training had taught him to treat everyone equally (except for business class, of course), as long as they didn't take all of the peanuts. She thought about the offer, and thought, and thought... steam began rising from her prosthetic forehead. Finally she came to a decision. "Yes, we will work with you - our team will beam over in five minutes." She severed the connection, knowing that the CardAssassin government would make her pay for any long distance charges. "If you will give us the coordinates -" "Captain," Bugger interrupted, "it's too late - she hung up." "Hmmph. Very well, Number-One-Who-Looks-Like-Number-Two - grab some security people, and we'll go over and say Hi. Don't forget to bring the bean dip." "Very well, Captain. TwoBucks, Bobbitt, you're with us. Bring toy-recorders and ray guns - we don't know what we'll find over there." The assembled team made their way to the transporter room, where they were met by Ensign Trojan. "Captain, I'd like to go with you - Dim is my friend... besides, without him, the Doublemint Twins won't go out with me." "Very well, Mister Trojan - get yourself a toy-recorder and a ray gun... and snap it up; we don't have all that much longer before the in-flight movie ends." The Tallywhacker far-away team beamed over to the alien station, only to arrive at what looked like a junkyard. Parts and pieces of all things imaginable were scattered about, in no discernable order. Bugger immediately jumped to StoredFleet Conclusion #5 - "It's all an illusion, Captain; we're actually in a highly sophisticated alien control room." Trojan had his try-to-recorder out and running by now, and didn't hesitate to burst the First Officer's bubble... "Wrong, Commander - this is exactly what it looks like... junk. I guess whomever lives here isn't all that neat." Bugger glared at him; he didn't like being made a fool of. (Which meant, of course, that he went through life hating a lot of people... Bugger made a fool out of himself all the time) What he didn't know was that people who didn't like Trojan didn't live long... Noises were heard amidst the junk, and the far-away team brought out their ray guns as they waited for whatever was making the noise to appear. They didn't have to wait long, however, as Farmer Brown tripped and rolled down a pile of scrap metal. The two teams stood and stared at each other for a moment, and then introduced themselves. "I'm Captain Symbol of the Tallywhacker... we spoke on the phone earlier. This is my First Officer, Commander Bugger, Chief of Security TwoBucks, Lieutenant ("Ensign, sir.") Bobbitt, and Ensign Trojan." The CardAssassin Captain looked at the FidoNation people with an air of amusement. These were StoredFleet's finest? Her prosthetic head-piece began to slip, and she pushed it back in place. "I am Capt- Farmer Brown, and these are my field workers: Gul- Uncle Joe, Jimmy (whom for whatever reason was wearing a 'Coed Naked Far-Away Team' t-shirt), and BillyBob. Now where is my Engineer?" Ensign Trojan had been scanning the area - not through any sense of duty, but because he figured that the faster they found their missing people, the faster they could get out of this strange place. "Captain, I've found life-signs over in that direction, at least, I think they're life-signs... this big red button is lit up, and Mickey keeps pointing his left hand at the 4." Farmer Brown had to take their word for what it was... their equipment wasn't working properly ("I knew we should've gotten batteries somewhere else... that's the last time I do business with the BunnyBorg."). Following the toy-recorder's readings - and the screams of pain - they found their two missing crew... Act 6 - Bend Over And Cough The two teams entered a long hallway, its sides lined with even more junk, but with the center relatively clean. They found Banana and Hairy lying down, suspended in midair, completely naked except for a light blanket covering each of them. A long wire led from each of them, and it appeared to be connected to... Trojan, fresh out of prison, was the first to understand. "Captain, those are rectal probes." "Ah - that explains the screaming..." The two teams searched and searched, but they couldn't find any controls, or any way of removing the probes without causing any permanent psychological damage. Leaving Commander Bugger to guard the two stricken crewmembers, the CardAssassin and StoredFleet crews went in search of someone who could explain things to them, or at least give them directions to a gas pump. They wandered the station for almost an hour, finding nothing but automated dispensers which kept trying to sell them air fresheners. Finally their search brought them back to where they had started, back in the hall with their missing crew. Commander Bugger was startled by their appearance, and let the blanket drop back down to cover Banana. "Commander, just what do you think you're doing?" "They're round, I mean, they're coming around, Captain." Hairy Dim picked that moment to open his eyes. "Captain, please... make it stop. They didn't use any lubrication..." Suddenly, the two blanketed bodies wavered and vanished, and the probes clattered to the floor. Just then a dirty old man came charging up the hallway. "Go away, go away... you don't have what I need. Go away..." The two far-away teams drew their ray guns and prepared for some serious inter-species contact. The old man, spotting their weapons, yelled "No you don't - this is a no-fry zone." and waved his arms... the teams found themselves back on their ships (without their missing crew, of course). Commander Bugger was also missing... Back on the station, the old man was muttering to himself. "Ahhh - a perfect speciman of butthead. Now if only I had some Vaseline or KY..." Lieutenant Bobbitt (or was it Ensign?) opened a channel to the CardAssassin ship. Farmer Brown was the one who answered the phone, and was immediately suspicious - was this an attempt by the StoredFleet Captain to talk her out of all of her change, so he could buy a soda? Captain Symbol came directly to the point. "Farmer Brown, it's obvious that we can't do anything about our crew at the moment. I suggest that we join forces and explore that small system over there; our sensors have spotted what appears to be a telescope on the bottom of the alien station, and it's aimed at the fifth planet in that system. If the alien station keeper is that curious about that system, maybe we should check it out. If you would care to beam over to our ship, we can all go together and save gas." Capt- Farmer Brown muted the sound and turned to her second-in-command. "Uncle Joe, what do you think? Could this just be a trap set for us by the FidoNation officer?" Gulf Thud... um, Uncle Joe thought about it for a moment, causing his prosthetic forehead to slip. Pushing it back in place, he told the Captain "I believe he is sincere in his offer... FidoNation law prohibits them from wasting fuel in a no-fry zone; also, I myself am curious as to what the mad station-being would see in such a small system. We have plenty of time on our hands - until the surgeon recovers from his hangover, we cannot get Agent XM returned to a state where he can give us his report." [Hah! I'll bet you thought I forgot about the chicken...] "Besides - we wouldn't make it even halfway to that planet before we ran out of gas." "Damn... I knew we should have bought more than two gallons." Farmer Brown turned the volume back up with the remote. "Captain Symbol, we accept your offer. We shall beam our team over to your ship momentarily." Farmer Brown hung up the phone and turned to the expectant bridge crew. "No matter what happens, no matter what incentives they may offer, do not tell them anything about the chicken. Be on your guard at all times, or if you prefer, left flank or halfback." Act 7 - Attack Of The Killer Paluckoos Leaving a small complement of crew behind to prevent any aliens from stealing the license plates (as well as making sure that no one ate the chicken), Farmer Brown and her team beamed over to the Tallywhacker. After a short welcoming dinner of fried squid and fricasseed seaweed - during which the Captain made damn sure that no Ramblin' ale was served - the ship got under way. They were halfway to the planetary system when they encountered an unusual debris field, and a small ship in it. After numerous busy signals, Ensign Bobbitt was finally able to make a connection. On the screen there appeared an odd-looking alien wearing a warthog wig and fake eyelashes. "Whoever you are, I found this debris field first... any dead bodies here are mine." Captain Symbol was severely puzzled, but he tried not to show his ignorance (very unsuccessfully, I might add) "Dead bodies? We're not interested in dead bodies... I don't even know what you would do with them." Trojan leaned over and whispered in the Captain's ear. The Captain's only response was to raise his eyebrows and mutter "Kinky." The alien replied just as Symbol remembered what Trojan had been in prison for. He edged slowly away from the Ensign. "I stuff and mount them, of course... I'm Kneeless, a Taxidermian. I'm also a cook, and a guide, and I sell these neat little maps to the star's homes, if you're interested." "We *could* use a guide... we were wondering about that star system just ahead. Why does the alien station master keep a telescope aimed at it?" Now it was Farmer Brown's turn to whisper to the Captain, and he decided that curiousity could wait. "Never mind... we're missing two crewmembers, and we were wondering if you might know where they might be? The last time we saw them, they disappeared from that odd station back there." "Ahhh... the Cardmaker. If you had any people on the Cardmaker's station, then they probably ended up on that planet just ahead, with the Allcrampedup." More puzzling references for Captain Symbol to decipher. "The All-cramped-what? And why do you call that being the Cardmaker?" "That's what the Allcrampedup call him. What he really is, no one knows... just that - from time to time - aliens turn up at the Allcrampedup hospital. Presumably they're sent by the Cardmaker, though no one knows for sure." Symbol pondered this for a moment. "So more likely than not our missing crew are with the Allcrampedup... and that telescope *is* pointed in that general direction. We could kill two birds with one stone." Kneeless perked up his ears "Kill birds? You have dead birds? May I have them?" Trojan snickered, and the Captain moved even further away from him. "That is just an expression we use, Mr. Kneeless... it means to solve two problems at once. If you would care to beam aboard, we can get started. We won't tell anybody where your bodies are if you help us." Now it was Kneeless' turn to be puzzled. "Beam? I don't know about that... is it safe?" A bit player stepped forward from behind a curtain and read from a prepared script "Oh, yes... Snotty beamed me twice last night, and it was *wonderful*." She stepped back behind the curtain and disappeared, leaving everyone to wonder who the heck she was, and why she was quoting from a Mel Brooks movie... TwoBucks met Kneeless in the transporter room. The little alien stepped down off the platform and approached the Security Chief, an odd little smile on his face. (He wasn't about to hug the alien, or otherwise make physical contact with him... you never knew where these people had been) "That was the most amazing tingle I've felt in a long time... can I go back and do it again?" The Security Chief looked appalled. "We do not have time for such frivolity, Mr. Kneeless... the lives of our fellow crewmembers may be in danger. Now if you will follow me, I will show you to your quarters... perhaps you could use a bath." TwoBucks moved quickly ahead, trying to stay away from that disgusting smell. "Bath? Are you crazy? Don't you know how long it takes me to get this formaldehyde perfume on every morning? It's the perfect scent, and it goes well with anything: dead fish, dead birds, dead people..." Act 8 - The Catholic Rhythm Method And It's Application The Tallywhacker arrived at the planet, and a select far-away team beamed down - Captain Symbol, Farmer Brown, Kneeless, Jimmy, Trojan, Bobbitt, BillyBob, Uncle Joe... okay, so it wasn't that select. Captain Symbol spoke to an Ensign at the back of the party, and pointed off to the side. "Ensign, would you go check behind that rock, please?" The Ensign sighed, but did as he was asked. As soon as he was out of sight, both FidoNation and CardAssassin far-away teams ducked and covered their ears. As expected, there was an explosion; the only thing remaining of the Ensign were his boots and wisps of smoke. Symbol was relieved. "Good... now that the Expendable Ensign is out of the way, we can proceed without worry." Off stage, the Ensign relaxed and spoke to the special effects person. "I've just got to get a new agent..." The far-away team spotted a small encampment just ahead, and proceeded towards it. Before they had gotten even halfway there, they were intercepted by a group of people with the worst hairstyles they had ever seen... Kneeless jumped out in front of the far-away team and held up his hands. "See? I told you I'd return. Now please, take us to Shaven, your leader - these people have important business to discuss with him." Instead of acceeding to his request, the Funky Hairdo people quickly surrounded the Alphabet Quad group and removed all of their weapons. Symbol was furious, but also a little worried. "Kneeless, what is going on? Who are these people? I thought you said you were taking us to the Allcrampedup." Kneeless looked around nervously, but seeing no means of escape he settled for answering Symbol's question. "Captain, these are the CakedOn-Ugly... they guard the last remaining passage leading down to the Allcrampedup. I kind of 'borrowed' a few of their marital aids the last time I was down here..." Symbol looked even more confused than before. "Marital aids? CakedOn-Ugly? What exactly is going on here, Kneeless?" Kneeless hung his head in resignation (his warthog wig almost falling off as he did so). "Captain, the CakedOn-Ugly are... procurers. They take what they want, without trading, although sometimes they can be persuaded to make some kind of agreement. Years ago the Allcrampedup lived on the surface, and the CakedOn-Ugly controlled them... it seems that the Allcrampedup have a 9 year sex drive, and the CakedOn-Ugly were selling them to the highest bidder. But then the Cardmaker arrived with his giant telescope, and the Allcrampedup moved underground when they learned that the Cardmaker was making illegal films of them 'in action'. They sealed off all of their tunnels behind them, except one which they keep locked. This left the CakedOn-Ugly with nothing to satisfy themselves with but marital aids... I 'accidentally' borrowed a few from Shaven, who's their Mahjongg, their leader." Well, that solves the mystery of the telescope, thought the Captain... the Cardmaker was nothing more than a highly advanced Peeping Tom with some strange medical habits. There might just be a way to rectify this situation and get our crewmembers back... "So if you return these marital aids, we might be able to use the tunnel to get down to the Allcrampedup?" Kneeless nodded, grabbing his wig before it could slip off. "If I still had them, we could... I sort of sold them to rescue an Allcrampedup friend of mine." "And where is this 'friend' now?" Farmer Brown demanded. She was getting tired of all the strange aliens and their bizarre behaviour; she just wanted to get back to her ship so she could interrogate the chicken and get the secret of the FidoNation's newest secret weapon. Not to mention the fact that the heat in this desert camp was making her prosthetic forehead damp and sticky... Kneeless nodded miserably towards the CakedOn-Ugly. "They have her. I made the mistake of coming back here, hoping to get spare parts for my Taxidermian collection..." Symbol's mind was going round in circles by now... neither StoredFleet nor the flight attendants school had prepared him this odd collection of psycho-sexual aliens, and he was starting to lose his mind (which hadn't been all that firmly attached in the first place). Fortunately for him, Trojan came to the rescue. He had spent a couple of hours going through the crew's quarters during their trip here, so he knew what on board the ship might appease the aliens. Act 9 - And Now For A Lecture On "Bob Dole's Family Values" "Captain, please... no! I spent too long on Hollywood gathering up the only perfect specimens they had! I can't just give them to a group of bad-hair-day aliens!" "Mister TwoBucks, this is a direct order: beam down your video collection, along with a player... NOW!" TwoBucks knew better than to argue any further. Leaving the bridge in the capable hands of the young Cadet who had appeared out of thin air, he went to his quarters and gathered all of the copies of "Mary Does Melbourne" that he had picked up on Planet Hollywood. "Hahahahahaha!!! Now the ship is mine!" gloated Kid Traveller, as he gleefully rubbed his hands together. Then he thought about it for a minute. "Oh, shoot! I don't *need* a ship!", and promptly disappeared. The CakedOn-Ugly were persuaded that - if the Tallywhacker crew could deliver the goods - there would be no harm in allowing these strange aliens to visit with the Allcrampedup prisoner. After all... these aliens might find out where the Allcrampedup kept the key to their locked tunnel. They didn't have too long to wait, as soon enough a transporter beam shimmered and despoited 29 copies of "Mary Does Melbourne" at their feet, along with a VCR and a folding big-screen monitor. Fortunately, they had an adaptable power supply, and were soon engrossed in the antics on the screen. Really, these Alphabet Quad primates! Most of the action they saw on the screen was nothing new to them, having learned it from the Allcrampedup years ago... but those animals! They had never seen a kangaroo or a koala before, and as for those exploding spiders in the background...!! Trojan yanked on the Captain's sleeve, pulling him away from the gymnastic entertainment being shown. "Captain, there's no time! We must get down through the tunnel and rescue our people!" "What's the hurry, Mister Trojan?" asked Symbol as he pulled hastily away from the ex-jailbird. "There should be plenty of time for us to watch the first show. Dim and Taurus can wait." "No, they can't, Captain... if you'll notice, TwoBucks never beamed down a manual to go with the VCR. When they finish the tape and start seeing the "12:00" blink, they're going to want answers, or even hostages. I figure we've got about an hour before they finish the tape, maybe longer if they slow down during some of the more interesting - good grief! I didn't know a budgie could do *that*!" Symbol reluctantly turned away from the 'nature program' playing out on the screen. "You're right, Mister Trojan. Okay, everybody... let's go rescue our people." Farmer Brown quickly rebuttoned her overalls and gathered her people. The Tallywhacker crew quickly grabbed their ray guns and followed the Taxidermian. Kneeless led them towards the one remaining tunnel, stopping at a small shack. Blasting the lock on the door, he opened it and revealed a cute little alien woman, with pointed ears... and a very skimpy dress. "Kneeless! I knew you'd rescue me sometime! Thank god... the CakedOn-Ugly kept tickling me, hoping I'd tell them the location of the key... How can I ever show my gratitude to you?" Kneeless gulped, and started panting. "Later dear, later. I need you to help me guide these people down to your people's hospital... the Cardmaker stole two of their people. Oh, everyone? This is Kuss, the friend I was telling you about..." At the sight of the svelte young Allcrampedup, Jimmy and BillyBob began sweating, and had to grab at their prosthetic foreheads before they slid off... Kuss ducked into a nearby cave. Tilting a flowerpot, she revealed the key to the door set into the wall, and unlocked it. Returning the key to its hiding place, she led them into the tunnel... Down, down, down through the tunnel they went. Darker and darker it became, until it became so dark that they had to hold on to each other's shoulders so they wouldn't become lost (with appropriate comments from the appropriate people when hands began to stray). Down through the tunnels, down, down, down. Soon, however, the tunnels began to lighten; up ahead was a man with a flashlight, holding a model train. "No, that just doesn't work... I know! I'll call it '8 1/2'!!" Passing the Freudian movie maker, they continued their journey down through the tunnel until they finally reached the bottom and stepped out into the light... Act 10 - To Bawdily Go Where No Man Has Gone Before The Alphabet Quadrant crew stumbled out of the tunnel and into the most amazing orgy they had ever encountered... there were [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED CENSORED], and [CENSORED], as well as a few assorted farm animals. Trying to ignore the wonderous (and extremely flexible) sights around them, the far-away teams and their native guides proceeded to the Allcrampedup hospital. Occasionally Kneeless had to go to the rear of the group and hurry Trojan up... the odd Ensign was constantly stopping and taking notes. At the hospital, the Alphabet crew was disappointed to find that the doctors and nurses actually wore clothing, in contrast to their more-active brethren (and sistren ). Banana Taurus and Hairy Dim were quickly produced, hale and hearty... the Allcrampedup were used to the Cardmaker's methods, and besides - they'd had plenty of experience with this phenomenon themselves, and had all of the proper medicines. Refusing to take payment, the Allcrampedup doctors released the two young Alphabet Quad members to the care of their shipmates, with careful care instructions for the two, should they decide to take up where the Cardmaker had left off. Back, back, back through the town they went, and back up through the tunnel. Halfway up, they passed the same strange human they had met on the way down, but this time he was relaxed on a couch, while a strange bearded human in a tweed suit puffed on a pipe. "No, it's like this, Doctor... after the train enters the tunnel, a rocket explodes into the air. Then in the next scene..." The voices faded as they left the two behind. Arriving back at the surface, the far-away teams were horrified to hear the music swell, and the credits start to appear on the screen. If the CakedOn-Ugly caught them here after the movie ended...!! Either they'd want the manual, or they'd want to engage in... quickly they beamed up. "Ensign Bobbitt, set a course back to the gas station - warp factor one!" "Aye, sir... and it's Lieutenant." Returning to the station (after picking up Kneeless' ship and parking it in the shuttle bay), the Tallywhacker quickly set itself into the closest orbit they could. They only had fifteen more minutes of screen time left, and they had to make every second count. Symbol and Trojan beamed back aboard the station, while Farmer Brown beamed her CardAssassin crew back to their scoutshi- Agricultural Vessel. Wandering the station in the hopes that they were going in the right direction, the StoredFleet explorers finally found the Cardmaker, huddled in a corner, crying and sobbing. "I didn't know, I didn't know... I'm sorry." "What are you babbling on about?" Symbol wanted to know... then he spotted Bugger's uniform, but no Bugger. "Where is my First Officer, you deep-space pervert?!" They tried to make sense out of the Cardmaker's sobbing, but were only partially successful. "Butthead... didn't know... rectal probe... butthead... sorry... brains out his ears..." The babbling quieted, and the Cardmaker slowly dissolved into a pile of goo. "Captain, it appears that the Cardmaker experimented on Commander Bugger and accidentally killed him." "Drat", fumed Symbol "Now what am I supposed to do for a First Officer? And how are we supposed to get home?" Trojan didn't really care... anyway, Bugger hadn't liked him. Crashes and bangs were heard... getting louder and louder. Pieces of the station began falling off, as the station began to - no, not self-destruct - fall apart, mainly because of a lack of repairs over the years. They had no idea where to look for the controls to the memory wave... Symbol began to get desperate. Then he had a wild idea. It was just crazy enough that it just might work... after all, they were all stuck in the same boat... Back on the Tallywhacker, Symbol made the proposition to the CardAssassin crew: join forces, combine crews... become one crew, a StoredFleet crew... [whoops! duck - here comes the copyright police!] Farmer Brown reluctantly agreed, seeing no other choice. With their only method of getting back to the Alphabet Quadrant destroyed as the neglected station fell apart, they would have to take the long, seven-season course home. Farmer Brown told her crew the news, and waited for the fur to fly when she told them the only way home was in a FidoNation vessel. Surprisingly enough, there was little noise... but then, Gul- Uncle Joe had just informed them that the surgeon had died, leaving them unable to convert Agent XM back to normal. Any information he had was lost to them now... Sirens began blaring as the CardAssassin crew finished beaming over to the Tallywhacker... sensors had picked up a gigantic alien ship headed straight towards them... Act 11 - The Long Awaited Space Battle (aka More Bang For Your Buck) On board the Tallywhacker, Kneeless and Kuss had just asked for (and received) permission to join the crew when the Red Alert began blaring. Symbol had no problem with the two joning the crew; they could always use a guide, and he was certain they'd find *some* kind of use for Kuss' unique abilities... Symbol ran to the bridge, wondering what else could go wrong. He was about to find out. An exetremely gigantic ship was majestically sailing towards them, its intentions unknown... Symbol turned to his newly-rescued Ensign and demanded information on the alien ship. Dim examined all of the sensor readings, checked historical logs, and - as a last resort - dug out an old copy of 'Janes Alien Spaceships'... he found what he was looking for on page 237. "Captain, it's a lighter-than-air craft." This confused the Captain even more. "A what?" A space warp appeared at the rear of the bridge, and a humanoid in a StoredFleet uniform stepped through. The golden-skinned being began prattling... "A zeppelin, a blimp, a dirigible, a hot air..." A hand reached through the warp, grabbed the babbling one by the shoulder, and yanked him back through the warp. Then a pair of hands reached through the warp, grabbed both sides of it and pulled it shut... just in time, as Trojan had been about to jump through. He'd been able to look past the odd humanoid, and he thought that he had seen a Boobazoid female on the bridge of the alien ship... Symbol finally realized what the babbling humanoid had said. "That's impossible - something like that can't exist in space." Dim, however, was of a different opinion. "Apparently it's plot-driven, sir." Just then the Tallywhacker received an incoming message. "This is Shaven, of the CakedOn-Ugly. We demand that you surrender the manual for the video machine to us immediately, or we will open fire. If you comply immediately, we will let you leave in peace... after you tell us how to open the door going down to the Allcrampedup." Symbol had had it up to *here* with alien threats and posturing... they'd barely been in the DeltaBurke Quadrant for one episode, and already the neighbors were getting noisy. He gestured to Bobbitt to open a channel. "This is Captain Phallic A. Symbol of the FidoNation spaceship Tallywhacker. I don't give a damn what you want, Shaven... go away. Any action on your part towards the Allcrampedup will be met with the deadliest of farce. Any hostile action on your part towards this ship and crew will be met with the deadliest of farce, or at the very least a lot of yelling and screaming. If you don't go away, I will be forced to yell at you again... do I make my meaning clear?" Obviously he did, because the CakedOn ship slowly turned away and headed back towards the planet. Symbol sighed in relief (he really didn't like making threats that he wasn't going to back up), and turned to his new First Officer. "Number-One-Next-One, there are times like this when I feel in need of some spiritual guidance... do you have any Indian customs that I should be aware of, any advice you can give me from your ancestors?" "Indian...? I don't understand... oh, wait a minute - you don't want me, you want young Ghandee over there." she said, gesturing to a dark young man wearing a white sheet. The young man clasped his hands together and bowed. "Oops..." said Symbol "wrong tribe." "Captain! Look!!" Symbol turned and looked out the picture window... the CakedOn ship had turned back towards them, and was charging at full speed. "All hands, brace for impact!" Darn it, this wasn't in the script... Farmer Brown gasped. "Oh, no - Seymour, don't!!" The CardAssassain Agricultural Vessel suddenly swept into motion, heading for the CakedOn ship at full speed. From the speakers came a resounding squawk, and a lot of nervous clucking. "Bawk, bawk... bawk BAWK!!" ("Darn it, I'm tired of this silliness. I'm going to take this ship and try to find someone who can change me back to normal... or at least find somebody who knows how to party.") "Mister Dim! Get a transporter lock on that chicken! Prepare to beam him out on my orders!" Bobbitt moved the Tallywhacker out of the way as the other two ships sped closer and closer... faster and faster the two ships moved, getting closer, closer... "Mister Dim - transport the chicken now!" But it was too late... the chicken had altered the plot. A side window opened on the CardAssassin ship, and the FidoNation reporter leaned out of it with a slingshot. Taking careful aim, he fired at the CakedOn-Ugly airship. Once, twice... the third shot connected, and the Funky Hairdo vessel exploded (setting fire to the last remaining fragments of the Cardmaker's station). Agent XM had somehow managed to make a bargain with the reporter, and the two were now headed out into the depths of the DeltaBurke Quadrant. There was a moment of silence, and then the bridge broke out in cheering. "All hail chicken! All hail Seymour!!" Act 12 - The Final Chapter (aka Freddy Strikes Back) Symbol was a bit disappointed by the lackluster end to their adventure... he had wanted a gigantic space battle with the aliens. No matter, though... there were more aliens out there; somewhere in the Quadrant they'd find a way to raise their ratings. He was still confused on one point, though. "Damn... now I guess we'll never find out why they called him the Cardmaker." Uncle Joe stepped forward, with a bunch of papers in his hand. He handed one to the Captain. "The reason should be obvious, even to a StoredFleet Captain such as yourself." It was a greeting card, of a type the Captain hadn't seen in years... on the back of the card were the words "MallHark - When You Don't Want To Send The Very Best". He opened the card, and froze... now it was obvious what all the equipment on the station had been for. Inside the card, in vivid color and detail, was a picture of an Allcrampedup couple... the act they were engaged in was completely unthinkable to the FidoNation officer. Well... not *completely* unthinkable, but certainly nothing he'd try without some serious limbering up and a lot of artificial aid. "Oh. That's... disgusting. Or is it interesting, in a perverse sort of way? Where did you find these?" Uncle Joe had opened another card, and was staring at it, fascinated and intrigued. It didn't look possible, but he supposed it must be. He made a note to himself to speak with Kuss later... maybe she could show him how it was done... Captain Symbol had to repeat his question. Uncle Joe gave a guilty start, and closed the card. "There was a large pile of them near the CakedOn-Ugly camp... I had thought that we should offer them to Commander TwoBucks, as compensation for his lost videos. Or maybe we should combine them all, as a sort of Allcrampedup instruction manual..." Farmer Brown glared at him, and grabbed the cards. "No you don't... I know how your mind works. Fresca!" A previously unseen CardAssassin stepped forward, and took the cards that Capt- Farmer Brown handed to her. "Take these away somewhere and burn them." "All of them, Capt- Farmer Brown?" The CardAssassin commander looked thoughful. "Well, maybe not *all* of them... we'll keep a few for reference." "Yes, Farmer Brown." Fresca left the bridge. Farmer Brown noticed Symbol staring after the departing CardAssassin. "Do you recognize her, Captain Symbol?" "What? No, not at all... I just think that she's exceptionally good-looking." Farmer Brown frowned... she didn't want Symbol becoming interested in this particular CardAssassin. "Captain, I must warn you... Fresca is an offspring of mine from a previous marriage." "Oh, really? Well... Mrs. Brown, you have a lovely daughter." It was at this point in time that the plot resumed it's appointed course. Controls began moving, and the transporter began operations. Dim was the first to notice. "Captain! We just beamed part of the reporter over to the Tallywhacker!" "Part? Why only part? And which part?" He wasn't all that concerned about the reporter... he knew there'd be another hanging around somewhere - they never appeared alone, but always in braying packs. "His... arm, sir. Apparently the transporter lost it's lock on the chicken when the CakedOn-Ugly ship deflated." Symbol and Brown dashed down to the transporter room, only to find Kneeless there. The warthog-wigged alien was sitting on the pad, licking his fingers. "Mister Kneeless! There was an arm here, belonging to that FidoNation reporter... you didn't *eat* it, did you?" Kneeless only had one answer for that. "That was a reporter? Funny, it tasted just like chicken." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - NEXT WEEK on "CHICKEN TREK - THE SERIES" "Parallel Lines" - Banana Taurus becomes the Chief Engineer when Blondie clones invade the ship, which is trapped in the eventless horizon of a Type 4 Disco Singularity. (apologies and credits are in the next post) Okay, folks... now we're back to serious (Hah!) My apologies to any of you who may have been offended in any way by my "Chicken Trek - The Series" posts... but you have to admit, it was twisted... _______________________________________________________________________ Especial apologies to Mary Draganis... sorry, darling, but the title just occured to me and I used it... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Also apologies to Larry the K. for posting this here... if I had access to Terok Nor (that's the Trek_Humor_Filk Echo, run by our very own Dex "Wet T-Rex" Fernandez), I would've posted it there. All credit goes to a lack of sleep, and oxygen. The "Chicken Trek" posts took 15 hours to completely put together, edit, and re-edit. (And re-edit, and re-edit...) Note to Charles "The Tooth" Robinson: believe it or not, I *didn't* get the idea for this when I was in the shower... Sorry, folks... this didn't start out as a parody on "Caretaker"; by the time I realized I was going to do the original VOY plot, it was too late to change the Captain's name, so I made the CardAssassin Captain female, instead. (Actually, that's not quite true... she was already female, but since I had - by this point - decided that I was going to more-or-less follow the premiere, I decided to let her live, so she could become the new First Officer) As you might notice, there are various 'steals' throughout the entire "Chicken Trek" posts, including Monty Python, Bloom County, Federico Fellini, various Star Trek movies and episodes, the Airplane movies, Discworld, Phule's Company, Murder By Death, and many other sources... Many thanks to the people who wrote, produced, directed, starred in or just basically worked behind the scenes of the Voyager premiere, "Caretaker" - without you, I wouldn't have had anything to steal from... (Some writer said it best: "If you're going to steal, make sure you steal from the best... and file the serial numbers off afterwards.") It could have been worse... it could have been: CHICKENS... IN... SPAAAAAACCCCCE!!!! (Hmmm... maybe I should go back into it and add Miss Piggy... nah. I'll just make her one of the Vidiians, if I ever decide to do another one of these things. Or possibly one of the hedonistic peoples from "Prime Factors"... hmmm - that's an idea: Miss Piggy is the ruler of the planet, the one who wants the Tallywhacker people to stay... Kermit can play Jaret, who wants to give the tech to the FidoNation people, so he can have Piggy all to himself...) That's *my* idea... don't anyone else steal it... Feel free to distribute copies of "Chicken Trek - The Series" wherever you think it might fit... all I ask is that you don't change a word, and list my name somewhere as the author of it. If anyone out there has a decent Internet connection, you could always ship a copy of this up to Garrett Wang (TheRealKim@aol.com)... I think he'd get a kick out of it. A side-note: you'll never believe what Ensign Dim's name started out as, before I decided I had better tone it down a bit... let's put it this way - it started with Q, not D... but it sounded the same. Of course, there's also the scene I deleted, which described Captain Symbol... and he looks just like his name would suggest. On the other hand, that whole string of [CENSORED]'s in Act 10 were there from the start... (I *will not* apologize for my sick, twisted sense of humor!!!) David "Nightwolf" Masters July 28th & 29th, 1995 (c) MasterWorks, BADA Press Ä Area: 93 ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Msg#: 30 Date: 17 Aug 95 22:05:01 From: David Masters To: All Subj: More "Chicken Trek" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Over in the Voyager Echo, Jeff Godemann was commenting on my "Chicken Trek" posts... the twisted portion of my brain kicked in, and this is what resulted: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ä Area: 109 ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Msg#: 1 Date: 17 Aug 95 21:07:07 From: David Masters To: Jeff Godemann Subj: RE: CHICKEN TREK - CREDI ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Cthulhu roars as he hears David and Jeff talking about RE: CHICKEN TREK - CREDI JG> As long as you don't ask us to consider the plight of the Buddhist JG> chickens suffering in Taiwan. ;) Hmmm... now *there's* an idea... = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = "Ah yes, Grasshopper - I have seen your chicken. It was last in the company of a braying dog, which was missing an arm. It is said that the former reporter has been staging a career comeback by becoming the publicity department for a down-trodden terrorist organization which has been expressing extreme displeasure at the way with which the government has been flagrantly flaunting and flagellating their floozies, denying them their fowl rights. But as Confuse-us once stated, "All is not lost when you have a road map and 24-hour roadside assistance." Capt- Farmer Brown had finally had enough of this philosophical run-around... her boiling point had been reached; which was causing her prosthetic forehead to slip. 'Next time', she vowed, 'I'll try staples instead of super-glue...' Aiming her ray gun, she quickly obliterated the babbling Enlightened One. Symbol stared at her in shock. "Number-One-Next-One, why did you do that!? Jed-uck Burial was about to tell us where we could find the missing chicken!" Farmer Brown barely glanced at the apoplectic FidoNation officer. "Dr. Symbol, this... robed person... is obviously in error - there is no way that a CardAssassin chicken such as Seymour would be hanging around with a one-armed man; why, it sounds like a bad movie plot! The next thing you know, he would have been trying to convince us that there was a grinning idiot wandering around flipping a coin, searching for you!" Farmer Brown turned to the camera. "These movie references have been brought to you courtesy of NPU, the Never Perfect Union. Check your local listings for time and channel." (The fact that both movies had been produced by Mountain Top Pictures' biggest - and noisiest - rival hadn't occurred to the former CardAssassin agricultural worker, causing the network executives to tear out what little hair they had left, and to run screaming for the in-house attorneys, to determine whether or not they could be sued) "Farmer Brown, what are you doing? Who are you talking to? And what is that big glass eye with the red light?" Capt- Farmer Brown sighed and looked heavenward... she wasn't in luck, however - the grips and stagehands weren't dangling any heavy objects over Phallic's bald head. She turned back to the FidoNation officer. "Surely even *you* must have heard of station breaks, commercials, and obligatory network plugs." "Well of course I have... and stop calling me Shirley." Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the arguing pair, a certain feathered fowl-weather friend was trying to convince his broilers-in-arms that now was the time to strike, now was the time to seize the day and fight for their independence... now was the time for the Buddhist Nudist Ninja Zombie Surf Chickens to raise havoc (or at least a little cash) for their cause. Of course, by this time, the CakedOn-Nostril had finally figured out how to get the FidoNation replicator to work, and were busily programming it for a B'Elanna Split (the version without the cherry on it, but *with* the chocolate sauce and whipped cream)... they weren't having much success, however; Fresca had given them the equipment, but she had neglected to tell them that the batteries had been bought from the BunnyBorg, and had no warranty. Taken in part from the "Chicken Trek - The Series" episode "The Search For Clucks", (c) 1995 MasterWorks & BADA Press. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = How's *that* for on-the-fly lunacy? (Okay, so it needs a little work...) David "Nightwolf" Masters david.masters@f202.n132.z1.fidonet.org (gated Internet) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You never know what DavidSan is going to come up with... David "Nightwolf" Masters david.masters@f202.n132.z1.fidonet.org (gated Internet) StrangeChickenParodyWriterAndD'harTribbleMaster ... "Bad To The Bone" -- George Thurogood & The Delaware Destroyers