Monty Python and the Holy Grail (The strictly UNOFFICIAL script) -- First done in a fit of boredom by [AHH 01Jan87] -- Touched up again by [AHH 25Jan89] (How time flies) -- Final completion by [SAC 23Mar91] The Cast (in order of appearance) KING ARTHUR Graham Chapman PATSY Terry Gilliam GUARD #1 Michael Palin GUARD #2 John Cleese MORTICIAN Eric Idle CUSTOMER John Cleese DENNIS Michael Palin WOMAN Terry Jones BLACK KNIGHT John Cleese VILLAGER #1 Eric Idle VILLAGER #2 Michael Palin SIR BEDEMERE Terry Jones WITCH Connie Booth VILLAGER #3 John Cleese NARRATOR Michael Palin SIR LANCELOT John Cleese SIR GALAHAD Michael Palin SIR ROBIN Eric Idle GOD Neil Innes FRENCH GUARD John Cleese MINSTREL John Young LEFT HEAD Terry Jones MIDDLE HEAD Graham Chapman RIGHT HEAD Michael Palin ZOOT & DINGO Carol Cleveland OLD MAN FROM SCENE 24 Terry Gilliam HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE Michael Palin FATHER Michael Palin PRINCE HERBERT Terry Jones GUARD #1 Eric Idle GUARD #2 Graham Chapman CONCORDE Eric Idle ROGER (THE SHRUBBER) Eric Idle TIM (THE ENCHANTER) John Cleese BROTHER MAYNARD Eric Idle SECOND BROTHER Michael Palin Scene 1 [wind] [King ARTHUR rides along, on broomsticks, while his servant PATSY bangs together coconuts to simulate the noise of a horse's hoofs] ARTHUR: Whoa there! [They stop] GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! GUARD #1: Pull the other one! ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! GUARD #1: You're using coconuts! ARTHUR: What? GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through-- GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut? ARTHUR: We found them. GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR: What do you mean? GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land. GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? ARTHUR: Not at all; they could be carried. GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut. ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? ARTHUR: Please! GUARD #1: Am I right? ARTHUR: I'm not interested! GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah... GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... [They ride away...] GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together? GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? GUARD #2: Well, why not? Scene 2 MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! [The MORTICIAN continues to hit a can on his "death cart"] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER: Here's one. MORTICIAN: Nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: What? CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON: I'm not! MORTICIAN: He isn't. CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart! CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. MORTICIAN: I can't take him... DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor... MORTICIAN: I can't. CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. MORTICIAN: No, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today. CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? MORTICIAN: Thursday. DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do? DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. [The "dead" person is hit over the head, thus achieving the desirable status] CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. CUSTOMER: Right. [King ARTHUR, who has been observing all this time, moves on and passes them] MORTICIAN: Who's that then? CUSTOMER: I don't know. MORTICIAN: Must be a king. CUSTOMER: Why? MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him. Scene 3 [King ARTHUR comes across two people working in the fields, among the mud] ARTHUR: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'. DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'. ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.' DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked-- DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! ARTHUR: Well, I AM king... DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers; by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress-- WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh!...How d'you do? ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that? WOMAN: King of the who? ARTHUR: The Britons. WOMAN: Who are the Britons? ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We're all Britons and I am your king. WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self- perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. DENNIS: That's what it's all about! If only people would-- ARTHUR: Please! Please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? WOMAN: No one lives there. ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? WOMAN: We don't have a lord. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. ARTHUR: Yes. DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting. ARTHUR: Yes, I see. DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? ARTHUR: I am your king! WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then? ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels start singing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering semite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king! DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up! DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! ARTHUR: Bloody peasant! DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that? Did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you? Scene 4 [A sword fight is taking place between two knights near a bridge, because one of the knights (the BLACK KNIGHT) is blocking the other from passing] [The BLACK KNIGHT prevails overwhelmingly over the other knight, and thrusts his dagger through the other knights head] [ARTHUR rides up to the BLACK KNIGHT to greet him] ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [pause] I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot. [pause] You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me? [pause] You make me sad... So be it. Come, Patsy. [ARTHUR and PATSY turn to cross the bridge] BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. ARTHUR: What? BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside! BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. ARTHUR: So be it! [The BLACK KNIGHT and ARTHUR fight. ARTHUR prevails right away.] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off] ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch. ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off! BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't. ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse. ARTHUR: You liar! BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy! [They fight again.] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off.] ARTHUR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc- [The BLACK KNIGHT suddenly kicks King ARTHUR] BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then! ARTHUR: What? BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you! ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine. BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh? ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left. BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have. ARTHUR: Look! BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound. [The BLACK KNIGHT kicks ARTHUR] ARTHUR: Look, stop that. BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken! ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg... Right! [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left leg off] BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that! ARTHUR: You'll what? BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere! ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me? BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible! ARTHUR: You're a loony. BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then. [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off, thus rendering the BLACK KNIGHT "helpless"] BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw. ARTHUR: Come, Patsy. [ARTHUR and PATSY begin to leave on their way and cross the bridge] BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! Scene 5 [Monks process, repeatedly chant "Pie Jesu Domine...Dona Eis Requiem", and hit their heads with their bibles. They eventually leave the set, and a mob enters, and seeks the town leader...] CROWD: [They yell] A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! Burn her! VILLAGER #1: [To BEDEMERE] We have found a witch; might we burn her? CROWD: [They yell] Burn her! Burn! BEDEMERE: How do you know she is a witch? VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. BEDEMERE: Bring her forward. WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. BEDEMERE: But you are dressed as one. WITCH: They dressed me up like this. CROWD: No, we didn't -- no. WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one. BEDEMERE: Well? VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. BEDEMERE: The nose? VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch! CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her! BEDEMERE: Did you dress her up like this? CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit. VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart. BEDEMERE: What makes you think she is a witch? VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt. BEDEMERE: A newt? VILLAGER #3: I got better. VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway! CROWD: [They yell] Burn! Burn her! BEDEMERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. CROWD: Are there? Do they hurt? What are they? BEDEMERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches? VILLAGER #2: Burn! CROWD: [They yell] Burn, burn them up! BEDEMERE: And what do you burn apart from witches? VILLAGER #1: More witches! VILLAGER #2: Wood! BEDEMERE: So, why do witches burn? [There is a pause, as the people think...] VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...? BEDEMERE: Good! CROWD: [With relief] Oh yeah, yeah... BEDEMERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her! BEDEMERE: Ah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone? VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah. BEDEMERE: Does wood sink in water? VILLAGER #1: No, no. VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats! VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! CROWD: [They yell] The pond! BEDEMERE: What also floats in water? VILLAGER #1: Bread! VILLAGER #2: Apples! VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks! VILLAGER #1: Cider! VILLAGER #2: Grape gravy! VILLAGER #1: Cherries! VILLAGER #2: Mud! VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches! VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead! ARTHUR: [Confidently] A duck! CROWD: [In amazement] Oooo... BEDEMERE: Exactly! So, logically... VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. BEDEMERE: And therefore--? VILLAGER #1: A witch! CROWD: [They yell] A witch! BEDEMERE: We shall use my larger scales! [The anticipatory crowd yells and screams as they put the "witch" on the scale, which has a duck on the other platform] BEDEMERE: Right! Remove the supports! [They do, and as the scale moves, both the sides of the scale even out.] CROWD: [They yell, deducing] A witch! A witch! WITCH: It's a fair cop. CROWD: [They yell] Burn her! Burn! BEDEMERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. BEDEMERE: My liege! ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table? BEDEMERE: My liege! I would be honored! ARTHUR: What is your name? BEDEMERE: Bedemere, my liege. ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemere, Knight of the Round Table. [Narrative Interlude] NARRATOR: [Reading from the book of the film...] The wise Sir Bedemere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table. Scene 6 BEDEMERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemere! Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. BEDEMERE: Oh, certainly, sir... [Camelot comes into sight] LANCELOT: Look, my liege! ARTHUR: Camelot! GALAHAD: Camelot! LANCELOT: Camelot! PATSY: It's only a model. ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot! [A musical interlude, with knights inside Camelot singing...] We're knights of the round table We dance when e'er we're able We do routines and parlour scenes With footwork impecc-able. We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam a lot [dancing] We're knights of the Round Table Our shows are for-mid-able Oh many times we're given rhymes That are quite unsing-able We not so fat in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot [tap-dancing] Oh we're tough and able Quite indefatigable Between our quests we seek to best And impersonate Clark Gable It's a bit too loud in Camelot I have to push the pram a lot. ARTHUR: [Disappointed] Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- 'tis a silly place... Right. Scene 7 GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! [The knights kneel to worship GOD] Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling! ARTHUR: Sorry-- GOD: And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". [The knights look away from GOD, again to honor Him] What are you doing now!? ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord. GOD: Well, don't! It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off! ARTHUR: Yes, Lord. GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord! GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail. LANCELOT: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord! GALAHAD: God be praised! [Silly musical interlude] Scene 8 [The knights stop at a castle for shelter and food] ARTHUR: Halt! [They stop] Hello! Hello! GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis? ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Who's castle is this? GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guido Luambar! ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... Uh, he's already got one, you see? ARTHUR: What? GALAHAD: He says they've already got one! ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one? GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To the other guards] (I told him we already got one) [The other guards snicker and laugh] ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look? GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a! ARTHUR: Well, what are you then? GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king! GALAHAD: What are you doing in England? GUARD: Mind your own business! ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kan-niggets. Thppppt! [He makes faces at the knights] GALAHAD: What a strange person! ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man! GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a! ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. GUARD: [To the other guards] Fetch-a la vache. OTHER GUARD: Wha? GUARD: Fetch-a la vache! [The other guards fetch a cow ("la vache")] ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twong] Jesus Christ! [The cow is catapulted at the knights, and lands on one of the servants] Right. Charge! ALL: Charge! [They charge the castle, as if to take it over] GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother! [They start to catapult other live farm and other animals] ALL: Run away! [The knights retreat] GUARD: [Making faces] Thpppt! LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart! ARTHUR: No no, no. BEDEMERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir... [later, after some deliberation, sounds of construction are heard, such as sawing (manual _and_ electric, etc.)] [chop] [rumble rumble squeak] [The knights roll out a large wooden bunny, in a plot designed around the ancient ploy] MUTTERING GUARDS: ce sont un bunny! wha? un cadeau? ["a gift?"] a present! oh, un cadeau. oui, oui allons-y! wha-? let's go! [The guards grab the decoy and bring it inside the castle] ARTHUR: What happens now? BEDEMERE: Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! ARTHUR: Who leaps out? BEDEMERE: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh.... ARTHUR: Oh.... BEDEMERE: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger-- [The guards catapult the large rabbit at the knights] ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! [splat! The rabbit lands on one of Robin's minstrels] GUARDS: [laughing histerically] Oh, haw haw haw! Scene 9 [As if a movie take introduction: "Pictures for Schools, take 8"] DIRECTOR: Action! HISTORIAN: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did-- [A knight on a horse suddenly rides in and, as he rides by the historian, slashes the historian's throat with his dagger] HISTORIAN's WIFE: Greg! Scene 10 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels... MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off, And his penis-- ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. [DENNIS and the WOMAN (from Scene 3) walk by ROBIN and his minstrels] DENNIS: [To the WOMAN] Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud. [DENNIS and the WOMAN walk off] [ROBIN and his minstrels suddenly come upon a three-headed creature] ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou? MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who-- ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through. ALL HEADS: What do you want? MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and-- ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight. ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not! ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table. ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table? ROBIN: I am. LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you. MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I? RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so. MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think? LEFT HEAD: I think kill him. RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him. MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up. LEFT HEAD: Perhaps- MIDDLE HEAD: And you. LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off! RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off! MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor! LEFT HEAD: What? RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time. MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky, you're not next to him. LEFT HEAD: What do you mean? MIDDLE HEAD: You snore. LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath. MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth. RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea. LEFT HEAD: All right! All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits. MIDDLE HEAD: Yes. RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits. LEFT HEAD: All right! All right! Not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway! ALL HEADS: Right! [After finally getting to ROBIN and his minstrels, who have long since rode on...] LEFT HEAD: He buggered off. RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered. [Joining ROBIN and his minstrels again] MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away, ... ROBIN: No! MINSTREL (singing): ... bravely ran away away ... ROBIN: I didn't! MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled ROBIN: No! MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about ROBIN: I didn't! MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet ROBIN: I never did! MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat ROBIN: Oh, lie! MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin ROBIN: I never! Scene 11 [Again, monks can be heard chanting the all-familiar "Pie Jesu Domine... Dona eis Requiem"] NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad [The scene is a stormy, treacherous forest, with Sir GALAHAD traveling through it, and finally coming to a large castle, when he all-of-a-sudden sees a bright, grail-shaped vision above the castle. Choirs of angels can be heard singing as GALAHAD gazes upon the vision] [GALAHAD goes to the castle in hopes of finding the grail and bangs upon its door] GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of King Arthur, open the door! [The door swings open, squeaking, and just as soon as GALAHAD enters the castle, it closes again with a big thump. Many girls, dressed in white, greet Sir GALAHAD] ALL: Hello! ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax. GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax? ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need! GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? ZOOT: The what? GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here? ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crepper! MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot! ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest. MIDGET and CREPPER: [Like servants] Oh thank you...thank you...thank you... ZOOT: Away away vilatesses! The beds here are warm and soft -- and very, very big. GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh-- ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight? GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste. ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come! GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail! ZOOT: [Avoiding the subject] Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the-- ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh-- ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here... [ZOOT spots a wound on Sir GALAHAD] Oh, but you are wounded! GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing! ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! [GALAHAD tries to refuse] No, no, please, lie down. [ZOOT claps twice and summons the "doctors" PIGLET and WINSTON] PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble? GALAHAD: [In disbelief] They're doctors?! ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes. GALAHAD: [Struggling to get up] B-but-- ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art. PIGLET: Try to relax. GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary? PIGLET: We must examine you. [They reach for GALAHAD's pelvic area] GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that! PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors. GALAHAD: [Refusing] Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity! PIGLET: Back to your bed! GALAHAD: [Getting up] Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! PIGLET: There's no grail here. GALAHAD: [Walking through another door] I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen-- GIRLS: Hello! GALAHAD: Oh-- VARIOUS GIRLS: [Voluptuously] Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello... GALAHAD: [Spotting whom he thinks is ZOOT amongst the crowd] Zoot! DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. GALAHAD: [Turning to seek an exit in the castle] Oh, well, excuse me, I-- DINGO: Where are you going? GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot! GALAHAD: What is it? DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail? DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty - and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her! GIRLS: [With continual anticipation] A spanking! A spanking! DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me. VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me! And me! And me! DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex! GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex! GALAHAD: [Noticing the possibilities...] Well, I could stay a BIT longer. LANCELOT: [Charging in] Sir Galahad! GALAHAD: Oh, hello. LANCELOT: Quick! GALAHAD: What? LANCELOT: Quick! GALAHAD: Why? LANCELOT: You're in great peril! ZOOT: No, he isn't! LANCELOT: Silence, foul temptress! GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important. LANCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape! GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine! LANCELOT: Come on! GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed! LANCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on! GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily! DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily. GIRLS: Yes, yes! GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them! DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance. GIRLS: Yes, yes. [LANCELOT drags GALAHAD outside and starts to flee the castle] DINGO: Oh, shit! [outside] LANCELOT: We were in the nick of time - you were in great peril! GALAHAD: I don't think I was! LANCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril. GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. LANCELOT: No, it's too perilous. GALAHAD: Look, my duty as a knight's to stop as much peril as I can. LANCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on! GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? LANCELOT: No, it's unhealthy. GALAHAD: Bet you're gay! LANCELOT: No, I'm not. Narrative Interlude: NARRATOR: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedemere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four, really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging- CROWD: Get on with it! NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling [hit over the head] oolp! Scene 12 [An old man, laughing, is confronted and questioned by the knights] OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha! ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail? OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he! ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered. ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there? OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!? OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death. ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail? OLD MAN: [Suddenly disappearing] Hee hee ha ha...! Scene 13 [The knights, while in their travels, suddenly come upon a deadly sight] KNIGHTS WSN (Who Say Nee): Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! ARTHUR: Who are you? HEAD KNIGHT WSN: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee! ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: The same! BEDEMERE: Who are they? HEAD KNIGHT WSN: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Peng, and Nee-wom! KNIGHTS WSN: Nee-wom! ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice! ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. KNIGHTS WSN: [In a torturing manner] Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! ARTHUR and PARTY: [As if in pain] Oh, ow! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us. ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want? HEAD KNIGHT WSN: We want... a shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR: A what? KNIGHTS WSN: [Again torturing] Nee! Nee! ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! ARTHUR: [Having been driven to the point] Please, please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery. HEAD KNIGHT WSN: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive! ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. HEAD KNIGHT WSN: One that looks nice. ARTHUR: Of course. HEAD KNIGHT WSN: And not too expensive. ARTHUR: Yes. HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Now... go! Animated Interlude: [Planets can be seen bouncing off of a countryside, with a castle to the left] [Inside the castle, a man who is writing becomes fed up with all the racket and travels down many stairs (eventually falling) and outside to chastise the planets and send them away] MAN: Oh! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Go on... go away... do it... and you... clear off! [The planets leave the countryside] Bloody weather! Scene 14 [The scene is a castle where a wedding is about to take place] NARRATOR: "The Tale of Sir Lancelot." FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours! HERBERT: What, the curtains? FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad! HERBERT: But, Mother-- FATHER: Father, I'm Father. HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that. FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these isles. HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather-- FATHER: Rather what?! HERBERT: I'd rather... just... [music enters] ...sing! FATHER: [Refusing the music] Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. HERBERT: But I don't want land. FATHER: Listen, Alex,-- HERBERT: Herbert. FATHER: Herbert! We live in a bloody swamp; we need all the land we can get! HERBERT: But I don't like her. FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land. HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music enters once again] ...something... FATHER: [Again refusing] Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. [The FATHER attempts to leave, but GUARD #1 continually asks for clarification of his orders] GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. GUARD #2: [Hiccuping] Hic! FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im. GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room. FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room. GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes. FATHER: All right? GUARD #1: [Apparently needing more] Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we... FATHER: Yes, what is it? GUARD #1: [Confused] Oh, if-if, oh-- FATHER: Look, it's quite simple. GUARD #1: Uh... FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Right. GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-- GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were-- FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-- GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-- FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-- GUARD #1: Just you. GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: Get back. GUARD #1: Get back. FATHER: Right? GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1: What? FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: The Prince? FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. [Referring to GUARD #2] I thought you meant him; 'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. FATHER: Is that clear? GUARD #2: Hic! GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems. FATHER: Right. [The FATHER starts to leave, when the GUARDS start to follow him] Where are you going? GUARD #1: We're coming with you. FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1: [Finally understanding] Oh, I see. Right. HERBERT: [Objecting] But, Father! FATHER: [To HERBERT] Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing! GUARD #2: Hic! FATHER: [To GUARD #2] Oh, go get a glass of water! [After the FATHER has left, HERBERT somewhat inconspicuously conjures up a note stating that he is in great danger, attaches it to an arrow, and shoots it out the window in hopes of attracting someones attention...] Scene 15 [LANCELOT and his servant CONCORDE are traveling along...] LANCELOT: [After CONCORDE jumped over a small stream] Well taken, Concorde! CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind. LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one... Ooof! Come on, Concorde! [CONCORDE is subsequently struck in the chest by the same arrow that HERBERT shot in Scene 14] CONCORDE: [Humbly] Message for you, sir. [CONCORDE falls to the ground, as if to die] LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! [He reads the note:] "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain! CONCORDE: [After making a remarkable recovery] Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir. LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir. LANCELOT: [Almost Regretfully] Oh, I see. CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you-- LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular-- [at a loss for words] ..sigh.. CONCORDE: Idiom, sir? LANCELOT: Idiom! CONCORDE: [Desiring to come along] No, I feel fine, actually, sir. LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde! [LANCELOT starts toward the castle where the distressed woman is] CONCORDE: [Accepting] I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. Scene 16 [Back at the wedding castle, maids tend to the bride, an obese, revolting woman. Never-the-less, all are happy, and ready for a great celebration. A small band is playing, and eating and drinking are prevalent. All of a sudden, LANCELOT enters to find the distressed "woman"] LANCELOT: [Attacking those he thinks are a threat to the distressed] Ha-ha! etc. GUARD #1: [Having made his way up to the holding room where HERBERT is] Now, you're not allowed to enter the room, and we're-ugh! LANCELOT: [Assuming the distressed one is a female] O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot of Camelot. I have come to take -- [He notices that HERBERT is a male] -- oh, I'm terribly sorry. HERBERT: [Relieved] You got my note! LANCELOT: [Surprised] Uh, well, I got *a* note. HERBERT: You've come to rescue me! LANCELOT: [Rather disappointed] Uh, well, no, you see-- HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there-- there must be... [the start of another song begins] ...someone... FATHER: [Interrupting] Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! [To LANCELOT] Who are you? HERBERT: I'm your son! FATHER: No, not you. LANCELOT: I'm Sir Lancelot, sir. HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father. LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. FATHER: Did you kill all the guard? LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry. FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each. LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything. HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready! FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all! LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady. FATHER: I can understand that. HERBERT: [Now hanging from the rope and ready to descend the castle wall] Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! FATHER: [To HERBERT] Shut up! [To LANCELOT] You only killed the bride's father, that's all! LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to... FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head! LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right? FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune! LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-- FATHER: [Thinking of the possibilities...] Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir. FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country.... LANCELOT: Yes. HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready! FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you. HERBERT: I am ready! [The FATHER and LANCELOT begin to leave the room] LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding. [The FATHER goes over to the window and cuts the rope that HERBERT is hanging onto, and HERBERT begins to fall to his (supposed) death] HERBERT: Oooh! LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away. FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that. [After all have left the room, HERBERT finally hits the ground] HERBERT: Oooh! Scene 17 [LANCELOT and the FATHER now descend the staircase to the main hall, where all of the wedding guests are mourning and in pain from the attack of LANCELOT] FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room. A GUEST: There he is! FATHER: Oh, bloody hell. [Sprawn to action, LANCELOT goes on the offensive against the guests] LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. FATHER: [Stopping LANCELOT] Hold it, hold it! Please! LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone. A GUEST: He's killed the best man! RANDOM GUESTS: [Yelling] Yeah! FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the court of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today. LANCELOT: Hello. A GUEST: He killed my auntie! RANDOM GUESTS: [Yelling] Yeah! FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father-- A GUEST: [Referring to the bride's father] He's not quite dead! FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father-- A GUEST: He's getting better! FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,-- [A guard, at the easing of the FATHER, strikes the bride's father upon the head] A GUEST: Oh, he's died! FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. [The guests try to find some optimism, and clap in agreement] And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot-- LANCELOT: What? A GUEST: Look! The dead Prince! CONCORDE: He's not quite dead! HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better. FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep! HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute. FATHER: How?! HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... [Music enters, signaling the start of another song] FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it! SINGING GUESTS: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! FATHER: Shut up! [The FATHER is helpless this time in stopping the singing] SINGING GUESTS: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way! LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh) CONCORDE: [Suggestively] Dramatically, sir? LANCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha! [LANCELOT grabs hold of a rope to swing over the guests, thus escaping dramatically, but is caught hanging helplessly] Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...? Scene 18 [King ARTHUR and some knights arrive at a town] ARTHUR: [Spotting an old lady] Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery!?! [A dramatic chord is struck] CRONE: Who sent you? ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee. CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... `nee'. CRONE: [Refusing] Agh! Do your worst! ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee! CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies! ARTHUR: Nee! BEDEMERE: Noo! Noo! ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'. BEDEMERE: Noo! ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly. BEDEMERE: Noo! Nee! ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it. ARTHUR and BEDEMERE: [In a torturing manner] Nee! Nee! ROGER: [Coming to the woman's rescue] Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman? BEDEMERE: Um, yes. ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can `nee' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. ARTHUR: Did you say shrubberies? ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. BEDEMERE: [Meaning well] Nee! ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No! Scene 19 [King ARTHUR and some knights return to the Knights Who Say Nee with the shrubbery they requested] ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? HEAD KNIGHT WSN: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem. ARTHUR: What is that? HEAD KNIGHT WSN: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee. RANDOM BLACK KNIGHTS: Nee! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Shh-shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky- ecky-futang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble. KNIGHTS WSN: Nee! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Therefore, we must give you a test. ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Nee? HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! [A dramatic chord is struck] ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. KNIGHTS WSN: [excitingly] A path! A path! Nee! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! [A dramatic chord is again struck] ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: [Almost like a child complaining] Oh, please! ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. BLACK KNIGHTS WSN: [As if being tortured] Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Don't say that word! ARTHUR: What word? HEAD KNIGHT WSN: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Nee cannot hear. ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? KNIGHTS WSN: [Again hearing the "word"] Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! ARTHUR: What, `is'? HEAD KNIGHT WSN: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'. BEDEMERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin! MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing about Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge ARTHUR: Oh, Robin! ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you! KNIGHTS WSN: Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: [Hearing the word again] He said the word! ARTHUR: [Continuing] Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up-- ROBIN: [Quieting the MINSTREL] Shut up! No, no no-- far from it. HEAD KNIGHT WSN: [Once again hearing the word] He said the word again! ROBIN: I was looking for it. KNIGHTS WSN: [Hearing the word] Aaaaugh! ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest. ARTHUR: No, it is far from-- KNIGHTS WSN: [Hearing the word again] Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! ARTHUR: Oh, stop it! KNIGHTS WSN: Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Oh! He said it again! ARTHUR: Patsy! HEAD KNIGHT WSN: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! That's three its! KNIGHTS WSN: Aaaaugh! Narrative Interlude NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedemere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing. ALL: Yay! Yay! NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels... And there was much rejoicing. ALL: Yay! NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day... Scene 20 ARTHUR: Knights! Forward! [An enchanter in the distance is casting many explosions] What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder? TIM: I... am an enchanter. ARTHUR: By what name are you known? TIM: There are some who call me... Tim? ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter. TIM: Greetings, King Arthur! ARTHUR: You know my name? TIM: I do. [TIM casts more explosions] You seek the Holy Grail! ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim. TIM: Quite. [TIM again causes many large and wondrous explosions, near and far] [The knights clap in amazement and wonder] ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail... Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. [TIM says nothing] KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah. ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it. [TIM continues to say nothing, regardless of the knight's urges to do so] KNIGHTS: Yes we are, we are. BEDEMERE: We have been for some time. ROBIN: Ages. ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful. GALAHAD: [Advancing towards TIM] Look, can you tell us wh- [TIM suddenly casts a small explosion in front of GALAHAD, preventing him from advancing any further] ARTHUR: [Trying to be polite and not a threat to TIM] Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh-- TIM: A what...? ARTHUR: [Hesitantly] A g--, a g--, a g--, a g-- TIM: A Grail?! ARTHUR: Yes, I think so. KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes. TIM: [Affirmatively] Yes! KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine. [TIM casts more explosions] ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh-- TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail! KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you. TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [TIM casts more explosions] make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail! [TIM casts even more explosions] ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim? TIM: Follow! But, follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth! [TIM makes a gesture as if to emulate the large creature that guards the cave] ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance! Scene 21 [TIM the Enchanter and the KNIGHTS finally arrive at the dreaded cave] GALAHAD: [Referring to their "horses"] They're nervous, sire. ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! [The Knights TIM: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg! ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered. GALAHAD: What with? ARTHUR: Just keep me covered. TIM: Too late! [chord] ARTHUR: What? TIM: There he is! ARTHUR: Where? TIM: There! ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit? TIM: It is the rabbit! ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up! TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer! GALAHAD: Get stuffed! TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate! GALAHAD: Oh, yeah? ROBIN: You stupid scottish git! TIM: I'm warning you! ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum? TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! ARTHUR: Go on, Boys. Chop his head off! BOYS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! TIM: Look! [squeak] BOYS: Aaaugh! [chord] ARTHUR: Jesus Christ! TIM: I warned you! ROBIN: I peed again! TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always-- ARTHUR: Oh, shut up! TIM: --But do they listen to me?-- ARTHUR: Right! TIM: -Oh, no-- KNIGHTS: Charge! [squeak squeak] KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc. KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw. ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose? GALAHAD: Gawain. GALAHAD: Hector. ARTHUR: And Boys. That's five. GALAHAD: Three, sir. ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite. ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor. GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. ARTHUR: Like what? GALAHAD: Well,.... LANCELOT: Have we got bows? ARTHUR: No. LANCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade. ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! [The knights' monks chant as the Holy Hand Grenade is brought out] How does it, uh... how does it work? LANCELOT: I know not, my liege. ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments! MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One. BROTHER: [Reading Arm. 2:9-21] "And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --" MAYNARD: [Interrupting] Skip a bit, Brother. BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shall thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'" MAYNARD: Amen. ALL: Amen. ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five! GALAHAD: Three, sir! ARTHUR: Three! [Heavenly singing starts as King ARTHUR throws the grenade at the rabbit. The grenade lands near the rabbit and explodes, killing the rabbit] [A distance away, Policemen are looking for the knight who killed the narrator in Scene 9 and hear the explosion. They start to walk toward the noise] Scene 22 [The knights have entered the cave, now that the rabbit has been exterminated] ARTHUR: There! Look! LANCELOT: What does it say? GALAHAD: What language is that? ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar! MAYNARD: [Advancing toward the writing] It's Aramaic! GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea! LANCELOT: Course! ARTHUR: What does it say? MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of uuggggggh'. ARTHUR: What? MAYNARD: [Repeating] 'the Castle of uuggggggh'. BEDEMERE: What is that? MAYNARD: [Concluding] He must have died while carving it. LANCELOT: Oh, come on! MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says. ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'arggggh'. He'd just say it! MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock! GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating. ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else? MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'. LANCELOT: Aauuggghhh. GALAHAD: Aaauggh. BEDEMERE: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh? GALAHAD: Where's that? BEDEMERE: France, I think. LANCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall? ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives. LANCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives. SEVERAL: Iiiiives. BEDEMERE: [With terror] Oooohoohohooo! LANCELOT: [Correcting BEDEMERE] No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat: Aauuugh. BEDEMERE: No, no, no, oooooooh, as in surprise and alarm. LANCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh! BEDEMERE: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh! ARTHUR: Oooh! GALAHAD: Oh, no! [A large beast appears to them] MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh! [MAYNARD is suddenly swallowed up by the beast before he can say what the Black Beast is 'of'] ARTHUR: Run away! ALL: Run away! Run away! [The Black Beast starts to chase the knights, and an animated chase skit is started] NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [The Animator is shown suffering from a heart attack] The cartoon peril was no more. The Quest for Holy Grail could continue. Scene 23 ARTHUR: There it is! The Bridge of Death! ROBIN: Oh, great. ARTHUR: Look! There's the old man from Scene 24! BEDEMERE: What is he doing here? ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions-- GALAHAD: [Correcting ARTHUR] Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- GALAHAD: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety. ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong? ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril! ROBIN: Oh, I won't go. GALAHAD: Who's going to answer the questions? ARTHUR: Sir Robin! ROBIN: Yes? ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go. ROBIN: [Not-so-bravely] Hey! I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Lancelot go? LANCELOT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east-- ARTHUR: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five questions-- GALAHAD: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray. LANCELOT: I understand, my liege. ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you. [Sir LANCELOT walks up to the Bridge KEEPER] KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, e're the other side he see. LANCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I am not afraid. KEEPER: What is your name? LANCELOT: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. KEEPER: What is your quest? LANCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail. KEEPER: What is your favorite color? LANCELOT: Blue. KEEPER: Right. Off you go. LANCELOT: [Surprised] Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. ROBIN: That's easy! KEEPER: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, e're the other side he see. ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. KEEPER: What is your name? ROBIN: [Confidently] Sir Robin of Camelot. KEEPER: What is your quest? ROBIN: [Confidently] To seek the Holy Grail. KEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria? ROBIN: [Surprised] I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [Sir Robin is cast into the gorge. Sir GALAHAD walks up to the Bridge KEEPER] KEEPER: Stop! What is your name? GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot. KEEPER: What is your quest? GALAHAD: I seek the Holy Grail. KEEPER: What is your favorite color? GALAHAD: Blue. [Realizing he made a mistake] No, yel-- Auuuuuuuugh! [Sir GALAHAD is cast into the gorge] KEEPER: [Enjoying it] Heh heh. [King ARTHUR walks up to the Bridge KEEPER] Stop! What is your name? ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons. KEEPER: What is your quest? ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail. KEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ARTHUR: [Seeking clarification] What do you mean, an African or European swallow? KEEPER: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [Since the Bridge KEEPER does not know, he is cast into the gorge] BEDEMERE: [Impressed] How do know so much about swallows? ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a King you know. [King ARTHUR and Sir BEDEMERE cross the bridge] Intermission [Music and an aesthetically pleasing background are played for about 10 seconds] Scene 24 [King ARTHUR and Sir BEDEMERE are looking for Sir LANCELOT] ARTHUR: Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot! BEDEMERE: Lancelot! Lancelot! ARTHUR: Lancelot! [Meanwhile, Sir LANCELOT has been found by Policemen, and is in the process of being frisked and arrested. ARTHUR and BEDEMERE are unaware of this] ARTHUR: Lancelot! BEDEMERE: Lancelot! Lancelot! [Suddenly, angelic music is heard from a distance. ARTHUR and BEDEMERE start to travel towards it] [All of a sudden, they come upon an empty boat, shaped as a dragon, and mighty, triumphant music is played in the background. They board the boat, and soon have the castle Aggh in their sight] ARTHUR: [The music still playing] The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! [Kneeling and bowing their heads in worship] Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast brought safe to us the most- [Suddenly, a lamb is thrust from the top of the castle toward the knights] Jesus Christ! GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a second time! ARTHUR: [Furious] How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us! GUARD: All you English say, 'I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser!' So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters. ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle! GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [The GUARDS dump sewage on the heads of ARTHUR and BEDEMERE] In the name of God and the glory of our-- [More sewage is dumped] Right! That settles it! GUARD: Yes, this time and a lot of this time, and I can't take it any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha! ARTHUR: [To BEDEMERE] Walk away. Just ignore them. GUARD: No, remain guard illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, Daffy English kannniggets! Thpppt! [The GUARD makes faces and taunts ARTHUR and BEDEMERE, as they walk away] [They cross the body of water that surrounds the castle] ARTHUR: We shall attack at once! BEDEMERE: Yes, my liege! ARTHUR: Stand by for attack! [Suddenly, many fighters emerge from the countryside, ready for battle] ARTHUR: [After the fighters are in place] French person! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight 'til each one of you lies dead, and the holy grail returns to those whom God has chosen! CHARGE! [They all begin to charge the castle, but are soon stopped by police cars. ARTHUR and BEDEMERE are put in a police van, and another policeman stops the camera that is filming the movie. A black screen and some music plays for about a minute, then the movie just ends. (A rather silly ending, if you ask me)] Rev. 6/91