Quote of The Week
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
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You're A Redneck If:
- More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
- Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
- Your home has more miles on it than your car.
- You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
- You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
- Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
- The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
- You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
- You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
- You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
- You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
- Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
- Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
- You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
- The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
- Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
- You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
- You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
- You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
- You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
- You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
- You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
- If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
- You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
- You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
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Men And Women Are NOT Alike
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.
- Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship. He refers to it as "that time when me and Susie were doing it on a semi- regular basis.
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem called "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00am on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
- Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
- Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
- Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley-face at the end of the note.
- Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
- Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his 'fridge are half a lime and some mold. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time that a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10- items-or-less lane.
- Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, just as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup....
- Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
- Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
- Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
- Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: (1) Weddings, and (2) Funerals.
- David Letterman:
Men think that David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who's got a gap in his front teeth and always has a bad haircut.
- Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were "hip" about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
- Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."
- Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
- Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.
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Women's Rules of Life
- The female always makes The Rules.
- The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
- No male can possibly know all The Rules.
- If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
- The female is never wrong.
- If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
- If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
- The female may change her mind at any time.
- The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
- The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
- The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
- The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
- The male is expected to mind read at all times.
- The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
- Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
- If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
- The female is ready when she is ready.
- The male must be ready at all times.
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Jokes
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !"
Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
If they sent her to a public school, the secret service
would be out-gunned!
Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To tax the chicken.
If you had Clinton, Gore, and Dolly Parton on stage together, what would
you have?
Two boobs and a great country singer!
Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
Because he filed as head of the household.
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Why It's Great To Be A Guy
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job
interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
6. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
7. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy
ass every night.
8. Chocolate is just another snack.
9. You can be president.
10. You can wear a white shirt to a water
park.
11. Foreplay is optional.
12. You never feel compelled to stop a friend
from getting laid.
13. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
14. You don't give a rat's ass if someone
notices your new haircut.
15. The world is your urinal.
16. Hot wax never comes near your pubic
area.
17. You never have to drive to another gas
station because this one's just too icky.
18. Same work... more pay.
19. Wrinkles add character.
20. You don't have to leave the room to make
emergency crotch adjustments.
21. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
22. The occasional well-rendered belch is
practically expected.
23. Porn movies are designed with you in
mind.
24. Not liking a person does not preclude
having great sex with them.
25. One mood, all the time, - horny!
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