"Inner Fury" "Inner Fury"
Changed Perceptions
by Diane Bell
My mother died from the physical effects of a lifetime of alcohol abuse on August 2, 1997. She was quickly and unexpectedly followed by her two sisters in January, 1998. Her older sister on January 6th and her younger sister on January 29th. An entire generation of women in my family gone in less than six months. My older female cousin had passed away the middle of June, 1997. Almost overnight, it seems, I became the oldest living female in my very large family.
Since January I've been obsessed with framing and hanging every photo I can find of my family members. Portraits are on one wall of my hallway, and collections of snapshots are on another. Sometimes I just stand and look, no particular thoughts or feelings, just open to receive the messages and memories. I've come to realize that this is my healing wall.
The most astounding thing that I've discovered during this process is that my mother was anorexic -- starting at around age 9 or 10 judging from the photos in the family album that I've inherited as part of Grandma's Legacy to be passed on and held by her oldest living female descendent. I had never seen the photo album before. It was one that Grandma put together in the last years of her life to be included in her legacy to us. When I first saw the snapshot that woke me up, I sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks in disbelief. My whole being crying, "Oh no!" over and over again. I did not want what I saw to be true, yet it explained so much about my mother's life that I had never understood.
It broke my heart to see that beautiful child's tortured body and frightened soul peering out through her eyes. I never knew. When I was a child, I accepted her extreme thinness without question. It was just the way Mom was. I pulled out all my family photo albums and started flipping through them frantically searching for the ones with Mom in them. There was no denying it, she was truly anorexic. Then came her switch to alcohol and the years of extreme depression. Her overwhelming sadness in every shot at every occasion for as long as ten years at a time over the seventy one year photographic record I have of her illness. Hmmm...I didn't even use the words "her life" did I? Her illness was her life and I'm so sorry that it was her lot to live it this time around. I would have loved to share health and joy with her. Maybe the next time.
I wish we had been able to talk about our hopes and dreams. I'm learning little bits and pieces of hers from other family members. Now that all of our mothers are gone, we've been sharing memories. She wanted to be a nurse from the time she was a little girl. When she was in high school, she even received a scholarship to go to nursing school, but Grandma refused to let her go because it was not a proper life for a young woman. Grandma told her that she needed to get married and let her husband worry about a career! How awful for my mother! Now I understand her anger and tears when I was nineteen and told her I was going to quit college and get married. I've also heard a story from several folks about Mom having a scrapbook with magazine and newspaper photos of her favorite movie stars and singers. Grandma found it, destroyed it, and beat her with Grandpa's razor strop. I loved my Grandma tremendously and was always angry at my mother for not getting along with Grandma. I wish I could tell Mom that now I understand. I suspect she knows that though, don't you think?
This change in my perception of my mother has healed places in my heart that I wasn't aware existed. With every wound that's healed, I gain confidence and renewed hope for the future. Revitalized energy and awareness as I continue this journey of self-discovery is a bonus gift from my Higher Power.
© Diane Bell
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