Distinctively Diane...
September 8, 1998
Distinctively Diane...
I've been hemming and hawing for a while about what to call my little section of our newsletter. Linking a word to our names that starts with the same letter seems to be a theme in other's columns, so I've decided to conform. But in my own unique way...distinctively, Diane.
For so much of my life I've been a chameleon, hiding out by reflecting the thoughts and attitudes of those around me. It was a survival mechanism that left me with a sense of having no self. I felt my only value to others was as a positive reflection of them. Naturally, I added a heavy dose of no self-esteem to that and wound up creating a fairly good imitation of an invisible woman.
In recovery, it was my very personal discovery that God loves me, just as I am, that gave me the courage to explore me. I loved doing character assassinations on myself, but God would have none of it. In His loving way He's exposed me for what I am -- an imperfectly perfect human being. Each day I invite Him to join me and ask Him to continue the work in progress that I am, creating an even more distinctive me.
© Diane Bell
September 15, 1998
Likes and Dislikes
There was a time when I had no answer to the simple question, "What do you like and dislike?" I didn't know myself well enough to respond! As I struggled to come up with answers, it seemed easier to identify my dislikes. To give them significance, I began to set meaningful boundaries.
A meaningful boundary is one with a consequence, backed by enough courage to invoke the consequence if the boundary is violated. I no longer had to endure the anxiety and discomfort of what felt unacceptable. Gradually, my life became less chaotic, and I began to relax.
The more I relaxed, the better I could address the question of what I liked. As I slowly identified my likes, I found myself empowered to pursue them.
© Diane Bell
September 22, 1998
Humility
Humility was a very difficult concept for me to grasp. I only became willing to look at it after my sponsor lovingly suggested a little humility might serve me well. She said humility showed more character and inner strength than any other trait she could think of.
I didn't understand. Humility meant personal weakness to me -- meant feeling embarrassed, afraid, and shamed. The first time I truely acknowledged I could not do something alone and asked for God's help, I finally realized it merely meant honestly accepting both my strengths and limitations. God didn't just help me, He made me shine!
Today, I'm totally in awe of all my Higher Power accomplishes with me and through me. When I lose sight of who is running the show, everything turns to mud and muck again -- the constant reminder that I am nothing without the Grace of my HP.
© Diane Bell
September 29, 1998
Gratitude
I've learned in recovery that the best boot off the pity pot for me is a swiftly written Gratitude List. As clever as I think I am, it's not humanly possible for me to hold two opposing thoughts simultaneously.
The first time I tried to write a Gratitude List, I spent hours struggling to come up with anything. I settled for gratitude that the ink didn't run from my tears on the page! Even in my misery, I smiled that I did indeed have something to be grateful for.
Today my gratitude list is imprinted on my heart. I'm able to see the gifts self-pity blinded me to before. I can experience the beauty and wonder in each day -- to the miracles all around me I never used to notice.
I still feel despair at times, but on those days, gratitude that I know how to deal with it heads my list. As I eagerly grab pen and paper to start writing, I know how much better things will look from a perspective of gratitude.
© Diane Bell
October 6, 1998
In God's Time
Patience is a virtue I always aspired to, but rarely achieved -- particularly in relationship to myself. When I started trying to change in recovery, I was ready for something (anything) to happen immediately. When it did not, I developed an attitude about God's sense of time.
During one of my fits of frustration, I happened to glance at the little lake behind my house. It sparkled like diamonds in the sunlight, and at least a hundred baby ducks and goslings glided gracefully near the banks with their families. When had they hatched? I didn't have a clue. I had been so absorbed in the changes that didn't seem to be happening in my life, I had missed a whole season's worth of change in the world around me. It made me wonder what else I had missed.
I began to understand that change occurs in God's time. I could make myself available and be present to it, or I could hide out in isolation and miss it. It was up to me. Today I choose to yield my sense of time to God's wisdom.
© Diane Bell
October 13, 1998
Laughter
Learning to laugh from my heart was a serious task for me. Every aspect of my being and life was a serious matter. The only laughing I ever did was a calculated response. It certainly wasn't an expression of happiness -- I didn't have any! Somewhere along the way, I had rejected laughter as a frivolity that betrayed the earnestness required for living life.
Inner child work unleashed the playfulness within me and laughter returned to my life, but I felt trapped in an all or nothing world. Life became either all play and laughter or all seriousness. Balance was elusive, staying just out of my reach until I turned it over to God. He returned it to me as chuckles at the silliness within everyday events I used to take so seriously. Those little chuckles have grown into full blown belly laughs of pleasure and joy straight from my heart. Laughter that promotes healing. Laughter that cleanses my spirit.
© Diane Bell
October 20, 1998
Hope
Tonight I was vividly reminded of the helpless, hopeless despair that I lived in merely thirteen years ago. I was the perfect partner for the dysfunctional dance of guilt, blame, and shame. I was at the bottom of the downward spiral of codependency, where the circles are narrow and the descent rapid. My life was a nightmarish roller coaster ride and I could not find a way off.
The most important thing that I received at my first 12-Step meeting was hope. It was hope that kept me coming back until I began to heal and grow enough to form a personal relationship with God. It is my relationship with God that brought me out of the darkness and restored my sanity.
Sharing my "experience, strength and hope" has become fairly automatic at this point in my recovery. Tonight I wonder how much attention I've given to hope in my sharing. I suspect the answer is, not enough. Hope is the greatest gift I can offer another human being.
God, help me to keep this truth foremost in my heart and mind, that You might use me to pass the gift of hope on to others through my words and actions. Amen.
© Diane Bell
October 27, 1998
Giving
Being a giving person is an admirable trait, yet in codependency it is a symptom of the disease. No wonder it's such a confusing issue in recovery. Am I enabling another person by giving too much? Am I being selfish and inconsiderate when I say no? Am I practicing my people pleasing flaw when I say yes? The uncertainty immobilized me.
Giving is an expansive gesture that I want to express in my life. In order to do so without harming myself, I have to pay attention to my motives. If my motives are pure -- no expectations of eliciting changed behavior in another person and no expectations of garnering recognition for my act -- then I may proceed within specific boundaries. I may not do for other people what they can and should do for themselves, nor may I give of myself when to do so will cause me harm.
At first giving within this framework seemed so restrictive. Eventually, these guidelines brought me freedom to give abundantly. I was no longer piling up resentments and being stressed out by giving. There is nothing more wonderful than giving for the pure joy of it. It feels consistent with God's will for my life.
© Diane Bell
November 3, 1998
Sustenance
This week has brought me another glimpse of faith about my spirituality. I experienced an uncharacteristic low point that was tremendously scary for me. It has been a very long time since I have experienced such despair. It scared me so badly that I thought I had lost it all -- my growth in recovery, my relationship with God, and my purpose in life. The message I received from God was loud and clear -- He will sustain me and nurture me even when I am unable to ask for help or spend time with Him.
I believe that God has the ability to carry us when we are unaware as so aptly expressed in the poem "Footprints." I believe it was my prior spiritual awakening and work at developing my relationship with God that allowed me to notice and benefit from His presence in my time of helpless despair.
God, thank you for your unconditional love and for touching my heart and nurturing me when I needed you most. Amen.
© Diane Bell
November 10, 1998
Adaptability
One of the greatest frustrations of my life has been coping with last minute changes. In early recovery, I would fall apart or fly into a rage when other people did not do what they said they would do, like meeting me at a certain time to share a ride or at the scheduled time, canceling plans we had made.
My feisty and outspoken sponsor was always calm and accepting of last minute changes. It seemed so out of character for her, so I asked how she did it. Her response was that she knew without a doubt that the other person was exactly where he/she was supposed to be at the given moment -- according to God's plan.
What an incredible stress reducer! I grabbed onto it and ran, smiling all the way. The bonus lesson for me has been that when I am disappointed in the change of plans, I no longer have to translate my disappointment into blaming or shaming the other person.
© Diane Bell
November 17, 1998
Breaking the Cycle
When I think of changing the pattern of my dysfunctional family and ending the cycle of addiction, it seems an undo-able task. When I'm overwhelmed by vast projects at work, I've learned to break the project down into smaller steps that are manageable -- before long, the project is successfully completed, on time. It recently occurred to me to look at breaking the cycle of addiction and dysfunction in the same way.
Rather than feeling discouraged at an overwhelming task, I can now look at the changing dynamics of my family with hope and optimism. All the little changes add up. I began my recovery thirteen years ago. One of my sisters will pick up her three year chip in AA next month. My other sister is searching and reaching out. A cousin's son is in a rehab center. Another cousin is in therapy. And best of all, I love taking care of my precious nieces -- changing their diapers, cleaning up their messes, and providing a clean, safe home for them to be in. My mother always complained about how much work and trouble we were. That's one pattern that won't be passed on by me.
God, thank you for making my life and my family your *project*. Guide me in doing my part and help me to see the big picture in terms of all the little miracles you are performing. Amen.
© Diane Bell
November 24, 1998
Thanksgiving
I have always resisted jumping on the holiday band wagons admonishing me to do this or to do that. If it's something I need to do, I will do it regularly -- not merely pay it lip service during a specified season.
This year is different. My life has been so hectic for the past good while that I do not always make the time to do everything that makes my life happy and well rounded. I can actually appreciate the call to take pause and give thanks on this special day of Thanksgiving. While I have managed to maintain a modicum of awareness of God's wonders that surround me, I have barely managed to extend even the skimpiest offering of appreciation for them. I take it in, it registers in my heart as being worthy of praise and gratitude, and I toss off a quick "got it" note to God.
This season of Thanksgiving has made me realize how much I have been short-changing myself by cutting corners on taking in the wonder and beauty that God gifts me with each day. I will use this season to re-establish my focus on joyfully returning my thanks to God for His wondrous gifts.
© Diane Bell
December 1, 1998
The Gift of Self
I have gained a much clearer image of who I am today. In the beginning I was mud in every aspect -- impossible to see through to the real me, and easy to mold into others' images and expectations. I was an incredibly self-centered person who had no sense of self.
I believe that in the depth of our souls we all long to be heard, to be seen, and loved unconditionally. Ironically, nothing that another person ever did was enough to even begin to touch that need within me.
In the process of recovery I have discovered that I am being revealed to myself a little piece at a time. As each piece comes to light, I am better able to hear, see, and love myself. Fulfilling my own need, knowing that I am all that I am, and that it's by God's grace alone that I am, has freed me of placing that burden on you.
I no longer resent you because I could not receive what you offered. Today, by God's grace, I receive the gift of self from myself. At last I can be heard, seen, and loved unconditionally by all who care to.
© Diane Bell
December 8, 1998
Revisiting the Past
Last week I found myself facing a nightmare from my past. An extremely violent verbal assault by a person that I knew could become physically violent in a heartbeat, stunned me. It was an interesting, albeit terrifying, experience. It was as though I scattered into a dozen different parts of me, with each part scampering to safety outside of myself. Yet I did not abandon me. All parts stayed very near, like sentries taking up battle posts, forming a protective ring around me.
My God-part was the cohesive spirit that enveloped all parts of me -- uniting, guiding, loving, and lending strength and courage. Each part seemed to function with acute clarity and understanding, sharing information with each other at nanosecond speed.
I realized that dissociation was how I survived the brutality of my childhood. Today I stand in awe of the power of God to harness my dissociative parts and use them for my well-being. The sense of being outside myself disappeared with the collecting and sharing of information I needed. I was able to successfully communicate with dignity and self-respect to my abuser that I am no longer available for abuse of any kind.
God, thank you for loving me and letting me know that you are always with me. Amen.
© Diane Bell
December 15, 1998
Joyous and Free
Christmas is such a wonder filled, beautiful holiday -- when I allow it to be. Today I have that choice. I no longer obligate myself to participate in holiday activities that distress and upset me. I create holiday pastimes that delight me. I pick and choose with care the traditions from my past that I want to have in my present.
I am flexible and do not resent the give and take of making happy relationships. I am capable and not afraid to face my life on its terms. My wonderful God has given me all that I need to be joyous and free to enjoy this glorious season in a meaningful way!
© Diane Bell
December 22, 1998
A Season of the Heart
It's snowing and looks as if we might have a White Christmas after all! The house is warm and smells of fresh cut pine. The tree is decorated with a lifetime of precious memories -- heirlooms, handmade ornaments, special ornaments from family and friends, treasures I have discovered in surprising places. No two are alike. Each has its own special story and memory. There is wrapping paper scattered everywhere to the cats' delight.
The lights outside decorating the house and shrubbery twinkle brightly making magical reflections on the snow. Christmas music is playing on the stereo. The apple cider is just heating to the point of releasing its own wonderful aroma to mingle with the pine tree's. My heart flows with gratitude to God that the transformation in my life allows these simple things bring me such pleasure. This truly is a season of the heart.
From my heart to yours, may God bless you with peace and joy wherever you are in all that you do. Have a Merry Christmas!
© Diane Bell
December 29, 1998
First Response
I was born a hyper-vigilant soul. It was a handy trait to have in an alcoholic home. Living with an alcoholic often creates hyper-vigilance, but in my case, I believe the hyper-vigilance was all mine and the alcoholism just helped to over develop it. It was a useful survival tool for me then.
Unfortunately, it still wants to rule my behavior. For a long time, I bemoaned my serious, somber nature. I wondered if it was ever going to change. I had progressed from chronic worrying and compulsively fixing everything before anything ever broke, but I just wanted to be carefree and fun loving. Spontaneous laughter -- the belly shaking kind -- had become a regular visitor to my emotions, but it was always in response to someone else's humor. Where was mine? When would I begin to create my own fun loving self?
I have come to realize that being hyper-vigilant is such an ingrained part of my being that I will probably always be that way. The thing that's different today is that I know that the seriousness will be my first response to situations and that I do not have to stay there. It does not bother me, nor do I think of it as being a defective trait. It is simply the way I am. Today I can nod at my first response and go straight to being the person I enjoy, honoring God with my laughter.
© Diane Bell
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