Gratitude
by Diane Bell
I learned early on in my recovery that the best boot to kick me off my pity pot was a swiftly written Gratitude List. As clever as I think I am, it is not humanly possible to possess two thoughts simultaneously. At first, I would spend hours struggling to come up with something to be grateful for to write on my list. One time it was simply gratitude that my tears falling on the page were not causing the ink to run! Whatever works, right? Even in my misery, I was able to smile at recognizing that I did indeed have something to be grateful for.
My Al-Anon sponsor is the one who gave me the tool. At first I thought her instruction for me to write a gratitude list was her inability to respond intelligently or helpfully to whatever I was whining -- Did I say "whining"? -- about. It took me 365 lists and just about as many meetings before I finally began to "get it"! That was the year I had to carry around a gratitude list notebook just to make it to the corner grocery store without flashing a very unladylike hand sign at some stupid driver who dared to operate his/her vehicle in a way that was displeasing to me! Yes, the tool worked to calm the rage-aholic within me, too.
It became my miracle cure-all tool to cope with the emotional roller coaster ride that I was finally aware of living. One could say I was a bit compulsive about it. I was. Compulsive was my only action mode. One could say I was using it to avoid my feelings. NOT! It only provided brief respites from sitting on my pity pot for 24 hours, or from raging at the world for an equal time. It was the one thing I did during the day that focused on positive thought and it sparked a glimmer of hope for change.
The length of my lists was in direct proportion to the number of emotional upsets I had had during the day. One night, as I sat adding a final item to a particularly long list, I realized that thinking about things to be grateful for was much more interesting than mulling over all the wrongs that I had imagined had been done to me. I definitely felt better than when I raged about all the injustice and lack of appreciation thrown at me by the world. I also realized that gratitude presents a much broader range for thought. My self-pity and anger were so constricted and limiting. Not that I did not use them lavishly, but they were so narrow in focus by comparison.
That was a turning point for me. I began to experience gratitude during the day at least as often as self-pity and rage. The experience was so much more pleasant, that I began choosing it -- Yes, I finally discovered I have choices! -- over the others. Eventually, I was able to let go of self-pity as an identify for myself. I even began to respond to life with appreciation and acceptance -- the rage disappeared.
Today my gratitude list is continually imprinted on my heart. It is an ongoing process that includes thanking my Higher Power. My days are so much fuller now that I can see and experience them in all their beauty and wonder. It is the everyday little miracles that thrill me. I never used to see them. Sometimes I still have feelings of despair and at the top of the list is my gratitude for knowing how to deal with it today. I eagerly grab a pen and paper and start writing out that list. I know how much better things will look when viewed from the perspective of gratitude.
I have no idea what happened to that dog-eared notebook I carried around for so long. I am smiling remembering it and feeling the gratitude I have for that wonderful little tool. It served me well and paved the way for me to find gratitude even for my loved ones' addictions. After all, it is what got me into recovery.
© Diane Bell
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