On A Whim?
by Diane Bell
I quit smoking on a whim last Saturday night. I say it was a whim, but I seriously wonder. The previous Sunday I had quietly asked God to help me become ready to consider becoming a non-smoker. It was more an afterthought than an earnest desire. I didn't think about the quitting smoking issue again. I know I wasn't really serious, just aware that it was time to address the problem for my health's sake. Then Saturday night before I went to bed, I smoked the last cigarette in my last pack. When I realized that it was my last smoke, I didn't panic as usual and rush out to buy more, I simply thought, "I think this will be my last cigarette." As I fell asleep I heard my lungs wheezing with each breath and I prayed that it was not too late to benefit from quitting smoking. That voice within me said, "No it's not too late, yet; but it will be soon."
I slept most of the day Sunday. That evening I felt like my body really wanted some nicotine, so my husband drove me to our local 24-hour drug store to see what they had. I chose the gum aid for quitting smoking. On the drive home I almost OD'd by chewing the gum without reading the directions first. My mouth was on fire, I was hiccuping uncontrollably and very close to throwing up. Geesh, my most serious chain smoking never made me that sick. I spit the gum out and almost threw the whole box out with it, but since it was so expensive, I decided to at least read what they had to say before deciding to toss it.
Okay, so I have to learn to "chew" it right. It would be the next day before I ventured to put another piece of that lethal, noxious nicotine into my mouth again. In the meantime I continued reading their instructions. Holy Moly, they want me chew this stuff every 1-2 hours for seven weeks! No way! I had just done almost 24 hours without any nicotine at all, granted I had to sleep through most of it, but I was not anxious to start popping nicotine into my body again, albeit sans tar and other deadly chemicals. I understand their philosophy of taking care of the physical craving with the gum while I deal with the mental part of the addiction, but it really felt like God was already handling the whole process for me including giving me the willingness, when there had been none, to stay with it. I decided to keep the gum for emergency use only. So far that's only been once or twice a day.
Many years ago, smoking was allowed during therapy sessions. In that process I learned how I used the ritual of lighting a cigarette to distance myself from other people and my feelings. There have been times in the interim when I've consciously refused to reach for the smokes to distance and to numb. But they were always there to be used if it got to be too much for me. This experience is very different. It's as though HP has relieved me of wanting cigarettes as an option for any occasion. As I've walked through these days, I've been acutely aware of all the reasons I smoked, yet haven't had any desire to pick one up. I'm truly amazed at this major miracle happening within me. There is a myriad of feelings I get to walk through and be present to. I'm grateful that today I can survive and even thrive in a world rich with feelings.
I consider this "whim" of mine to be one of HP's greatest feats in my life. I know that the lack of preparation and planning is not the recommended formula for success with quitting smoking, and if this turns out to be a false start, I'm prepared to love myself right into another beginning of becoming a non-smoker. I would just as soon succeed this time, though -- I feel great and have HP's full attention in helping me through it.
© Diane Bell
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