This interview was with Biff the bodyguard from As the Furniture Flies, found on theforce.net's Saga fanfiction website.

 1. What is your full name?  

Ummmm, is this thing on? Ummm, are you sure? Well, if you are…

My name? My name is Biff'eerthyene Errthan Klee'ze but most people just call me Biff. Well… sometimes people call me other things like bantha brains and big butt. That's not very nice so I just ign.. ingn.. I don't pay them any mind. Biff is a nice sounding name. Even Master Jane says that it is and he's my best friend. Oh… Ms. Thx says that you want to know about me and I should tell you everything you want to know. Are you sure?  Okay, if you are….

 2. Who is your creator?  

Ms. dianethx. She's nice but confused. She thinks that Master Jane's name is Qui-Gon Jinn but I know it's really Qui-Gon-Wrong Jane. Did you know that Ms. Thx has a crush on Master Jane? She's always following him around. I think he likes her, too. When they are together, they're always kissing and lovey-type stuff. Well, most of the time. And they send mushy letters to each other. I saw one once but they used really big words and I didn't understand most of it. But the big XXX and OOO at the end was good. Ms. Thx likes to write Master Jane a lot. Me, I like kissing better than writing but I do write poetry to my friend, Kitara. Hi Kitara! I also like kissing girls, not Master Jane, though. He's my best friend but he's a boy and I like kissing girls, instead. But I'd never kiss Ms. Thx. She's too old and I don't think Master Jane would like it much if I did, do you?

 3. What is your home planet?  

I'm not sure. I was a baby when I was brought to the Temple. They never told me what happened to my father. Or my mother, either. But I grew up on Coruscant at the Jedi Temple. I liked it there. It was very pretty and there was lots to do. Did you know that it takes 2 hours to go from one side of the Temple to the other if you walk it? Hoverchairs are faster. The kids at the Temple are always racing down the halls…. oops, I wasn't supposed to tell you that. It’s a secret. You won't tell anybody, will you? Master Yoda might get mad and you never want to make Master Yoda mad. I think he gets mad easy 'cause he's so short. But that's a secret, too. I saw him trying on high-heeled shoes once. He got real mad then and made me clean the 'freshers. Twice! You won't tell anyone, will you?

 4. How do you like being a bodyguard? Does being Force-sensitive help you in this area?  

Bodyguard… yes, I'm the bodyguard to Lady Shaindl, the most important, richest lady on Coruscant. She's always telling me that. She says that she's richer than the Senate, but I'm not sure that's true cause she laughs every time she says it.  

She's very pretty but she's old, too. Don't tell her I said that! She's not as old as Ms. Thx, though. But she buys me nice things and lets me play with the speeders. I'm great with my hands. Lady Shaindl says so. I can rebuild a speeder in no time flat and it will speed better than when it was new. I have lots of speeders. Lady Shaindl lets me keep them in the basement. She has a huge basement full of stuff. She's really rich.  

Oh, I'm also good with weapons. All kinds, not just blasters but the big stuff. Since I'm a bodyguard, I get to play with them and Lady Shaindl buys me whatever I want. She has a lot of lightsabers, too. She hangs them over her bed. I asked her once why she did that and she said it reminds her of all her Jedi lovers and then she always laughs. Can I say that? I know Lady Shaindl would be mad if I told everyone what she does with the Jedi in her bedroom.  

Anyway, I can play with the lightsabers anytime she's not busy in there. I've been trained… well until I turned 13 anyway. I was hurt when I was a kid and I wasn't too smart after that. So when I got older, they said I couldn't be a Jedi Knight but something almost as good. I used to repair the fountains in the big garden room. It has a thousand of them in there. I counted them once – well, it took several times and I had help but there were a thousand. That's a lot! I liked all the water, making that pretty rushing sound. I tried to make the sound louder but, when the big fountain overflowed – it wasn't my fault really!!! – they said that it was best if I didn't do that anymore. So they let me work in the kitchen for a while. I liked making up new things to eat. I was really good at it, too, but when Master Mace got sick, they made me stop. Did you know after he ate my stuff, he got green with purple spots and his eyes kept crossing and his hair fell out? He looks better without it, anyway. I was sorry but disp.. disp… dispesai root looked just like dewasqui branch and they should call it something shorter.  Master Mace was in the Healers for two whole days! But they just shook their heads and put me on the cleaning crew. I did that for a long time. Cleaning the Temple was great, though. I got to see places no one else could see. Did you know that when you plug up the water pipes, they make a really shrieky kind of noise just before they blow up? Anyway, after that, they said that they would find me something else to do and got me this job with Lady Shaindl. Since I was at the Temple and had training in fighting off bad guys, I guess she figured I'd be good as a bodyguard. I must be because I've been here ever since.  

Oh, Force sensitive? Ummm, I am but it doesn't do much good. I can't call on it much at all. But sometimes, late at night, I float chocolates out of Lady Shaindl's room, real quiet-like and eat them in my room. You won't tell her, will you?  

 5. What is your age?  

I think I'm about 38. It's hard to tell when the Jedi don't really let out any info.. infor.. information.

 6. What is your marital status? Do you have a significant other? Have you found your true love?  

Mari.. marit… you mean, am I married? No, but I've found the girl of my dreams. Her name is Padawan Kitara and she's so pretty. I saw her at the Temple one day and knew that she was the one for me. I think she likes me, too. She's always playing games like hide-and-seek. Did you know it's really hard to play that when you can use the Force to hide? Anyway, she's got brown eyes with little gold flakes in them and soft brown hair. She's so pretty and soft. I send her poems a lot. She likes them, I think. Here's one for Kitara. 

Poem about Kitara

My Kitara's eyes are soft brown

With pretty sparkles of gold

Next time that I see her

I will be a lot more bold.

 7. Do you have any siblings, children, or pets?  

Lady Shaindl doesn't like children or pets. I had a Telosian goldfish once but it died and she made me flush it down the fresher. It backed up the pipes so she wouldn't let me have any more. It was very sad. 

Sib.. sib.. oh, brothers and sisters? No, I'm from the Temple. They are the only family I've ever known.

 8. Who are your closest friends?  

Well, Master Jane is my best friend and Kitara really likes me. Ms. Thx has been nice but she's kinda busy with Master Jane. I used to be friends with some of the Padawans back at the Temple but they are always busy any more. Obi-Wan is silly, always chasing after Lady Shaindl. Garen is nice, though, when he's not fighting with Obi-Wan over girls. I see them a lot at Lady Shaindl's. She likes to do a lot of ente. enter… kissing.

 9. What is it like working for Lady Shaindl?  

Lady Shaindl is the best, most important lady on Coruscant. She's always saying that so it must be true. She's good to work for. When she's lonely, she comes to my room and we play games like find the lightsaber, jello jiggling and spin the blaster. I live in her apart…apartm…house in the Illyum Towers. I have my own room with a shower and a huge closet. She keeps a lot of her clothes there but I have space for my stuff, too. And the food is great.

 10. What do you like to do in your free time?  

I write poetry and put together things. I'm good with my hands. Everyone says so. I'm even better than Anakin, over at the Temple. We had a race one time to see who could put a speeder engine together faster and I won. He was pretty mad about it, too until I told him about Master Yoda and the shoes. He laughed after that and we sometimes tell each other secrets. Did you know that he likes a Senator? She's pretty cause I've seen her but not as pretty as Padawan Kitara. She's the prettiest girl around. You won't tell Ani that I said that, will you? He thinks his friend is the prettiest.

 11. You said you wouldn't make a good Jedi. Why not? Do you have any resentments towards the Jedi for rejecting you?  

I'm not good with using the Force. Sometimes, I get ideas and things and they come true. That scares me a little so I try not to use the Force for anything but chocolates. Sometimes, though I use it without thinking, to rescue people. That's why I'm a good bodyguard but I don't do it on purpose. 

Resen.. resent… feel bad about the Jedi? No, should I?

 12. What are your goals in life?  

To marry Kitara and have kids just like her. We could live in my room and play games and eat chocolates when I wasn’t guarding Lady Shaindl and Kitara wasn't off saving the galaxy from the bad guys. She does that a lot. Oh, and I'd write her poetry every day.

 13. What kind of influence do you have over your creator? Are you the type of OC who just sits in the background and allows your creator to form the plot, or do you insist on jumping in with your two ditaris whenever possible?  

Jump in? Oh, I wouldn't do that to Ms. Thx. She might get mad and write me nasty letters or even make Master Jane not talk to me any more. I do whatever she tells me to do – well, sort of. I do say things that make her laugh, though. Does that count?

 14. Describe your favorite scene in As the Furniture Flies  

Oh, the time I liked best? That's easy. It was the night Master Jane slept in my closet and tried on Lady Shaindl's kimo.. kimo… dress. He said it wasn't a dress but it looked like one to me. It was really blue and matched his eyes. Lady Shaindl says that you should always match your clothes. Did you know that plaids and stripes don't match? I didn't know that until she told me. When I told Master Jane, he said that he didn't know that either. But he needed some new clothes since the 'fresher tank exploded all over him. Master Jane was pretty upset. He had pieces of brown stuff on him and wipe papers caught in his hair. It took a lot of showers before he didn't smell bad any more. Luckily I was near him so that I could take him home and clean him up. He looks better cleaned up. I'm sure Ms. Thx thinks so. And the dress made him look better, too.

 15. Describe your least favorite scene.  

The one I didn't like – that's easy. Well, when the 'fresher tank exploded, the sewage got everywhere, all over Master Jane, all over Ms. Thx. Luckily, I was outside the door when the bad stuff sprayed all over. And it smelled, too. I don't like to remember that. It was not nice.  

Oh, Ms. Thx says that I have to leave now. Someone is going after Master Jane and he needs my help. I don't know. He's always getting into trouble. Maybe he should take something for that. But that's okay. He's my best friend and friends help each other. Bye!

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