Good Morning Everyone.

As many of you may remember, yesterday when the Girls were out of the playhouse Alan said the words " Foreplay, Sex, Duct tape and Nair". It seems then that all the girls gravitated back into the room. Even Polgara called in at that moment from her secret hideaway in the dark Southeast. This led me to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, Alan had found or discovered the ancient lost magic word.

So I asked all the men in the group to try the magic words, "Foreplay, Sex, Duct Tape and Nair". This in the hopes of ascertaining if the aforementioned words really work. Lizibeth summed it up yesterday when she stated, "yeah right Doug, it'll make us all turn into Nympho's and make us throw ourselves at your feet". With that thought in mind, I tried it out.

The following is my short report (no pun intended}.

Yesterday, when we put it all together, I ran a test of the words. Not a scientific test mind you, but still a test. Looking at my kitty, which was at the moment walking towards me, I uttered the words "FOREPLAY, SEX, DUCT TAPE, NAIR". The cat at that moment then threw her self at my feet purring contentedly. Cool and I thought, AH-HA! It works! Now to wait until the wife person came home.

By the time she got home, I'd slaved over a hot phone set up a romantic meal. As she sits down at the table with Dave Niehause blaring softly in the background and the aroma of Godfather's Pizza wafting through the room, I choose at this moment to quietly utter the phrase

(FOREPLAYSEXDUCTTAPENAIR).

In anticipation of the coming event, I stand and with a broad sweep of the arm I clear the table. Don't want to get pizza sauce in our hair. BUT, instead of throwing herself on the table screaming like a wild woman, "Take me big boy, Take now!", she glanced out of the corner of her eye and with a concerned look and kind of chuckle and said, "excuse me?"

Thinking it was maybe lost in the delivery I said the magic words again." FOREPLAY-SEX-DUCT TAPE-NAIR" At this point I was very nervous, what with my wife, stepdaughter and exchange student plus the cats all in one room at the same time. I didn't know what the reaction could be.

Well guys, the stepdaughter said "GAWD" (I thought oh-oh here it goes), the exchange student, she giggles and the wife asks if I'm okay? The cat throws herself on the floor at my feet and starts to purr. Go figure.

Later the wife asks me to go to the supermarket. All right! I'll be able to run my experiment on the public at large. After changing into my pick up clothes: rust colored, plaid polyester pants with a matching blue polyester pull over and we can't forget the white patent leather shoes with black socks, I walk out of the bedroom. The wife asks if "I'm dumb or dumber" and since I'm always striving for excellence I state, "I'm the Dumbest".

Anyway, I get to the store and walk in and I swear the music stops and a customer at the checkout counter sees me and screams. The checkout lady turns and we make eye contact and she snorts and turns around. I see her shoulders heaving with passion or mirth. "Man this is gonna be a piece of cake", I said.

Pushing my cart, I'm wondering where I should start. I know, let's try the produce section. All the women hang out there. Yes! There she is over by the apples. I nonchalantly pushed my cart up the row and as I get near I start uttering the magic words. I pick up a melon and as I fondle it and say the words over and over I hear the clickity clack of her cart racing away. Oh well I thought, on to the next babe.

There she was, over at the carrots and celery and as I approached her from behind I started saying the magic words, "FOREPLAY, SEX, DUCT TAPE, NAIR". Ol' widow Johnson turns around and say's " EEK! Oh it's you. Ya' better quit the horseplay before ya' get hurt sonny". I try to correct her and say it's FOREPLAY not HORSEPLAY. She doesn't care. Neither do I for that matter.

That was a close one no telling what could of happened if she had thrown herself at my feet. So now, here I am wandering through the store muttering the magic words over and over. I must have inadvertently said it too loud for I hear the sound of footsteps approaching from behind. I turn and look expecting to find a herd of babes converging on my cart. Instead I find a strange looking logger type man muttering something about CHAINS-BABY LOTION and ROPE. I start to back up. Not liking the way this is turning out at all.

He's still approaching so I turn and walk quickly away looking over my shoulder. I see him gaining on me muttering. "Chains, Baby lotion, and rope". I start to run. I turn the corner with smoke billowing from my shopping cartwheels. I turn the corner and find myself in the dairy section. Ah! seems there is always a babe in the Moo section. Alas, not tonight. At that moment from the other end of the aisle appears the logger. Great! Damn perverts hanging at the supermarket,

I turn to flee and find the store manager standing in my way. He asks if there is a problem. I say no, not really as I glance over my shoulder. He seems to think should come with him. Glancing over my shoulder and seeing the pervert I agree.

I leave with the Mr. Whipple look alike and he leads me to the check out counter to pay for my items try to explain to him I'm not done shopping yet. He explains that for all concerned. I am done.

As I leave the store and start to walk across the parking lot I hear the screech of "THERE HE IS!" I think; GREAT it really does work! About that time a patrol car pulls up and out steps a policewomen. Gasp, it's Officer Marge. One of Enumclaws finest. She stands 6 foot 8 inches and has a moustache better than mine. I don't know how to discribe her other than maybe "Robust" anyway,

She asks my name and for some form of ID"Man is this the oldest line I've ever heard" I say quietly as I'm laying face down on her car. I see at the moment this is never going to work out, what with me bent over the car in handcuffs and such. So I ask her if she would like me to roll over on my back. She asks what I've been up to in the store, and I say "Nothing much, other than trying to stay away from some pervert.

Oh and also trying out the MAGIC WORD" Oh, "What word might that be?" she asks. I say I really shouldn't say what with her being on duty and such. She said it was okay she wouldn't mind. So I said the words. "Foreplay, Sex, Duct Tape, Nair" and about the same time she was saying something about "Handcuffs, Jail, Court, Cell". She said she would let me off if I promised to go home and not bother anyone else for the rest of the night. So guys, this is about the end of the saga for last night. I guess the MAGIC WORDS only work on a select FEW. Like Loggers, Cats and Lady KIRO Chatters.