Doug enjoys writing parodies of Christmas carols, which are featured each year in our annual Christmas newsletter. This page gives you a look back at the many lyrics we've published over the past few years.

 

Kaitlin recorded a CD with The Presentations jazz choir.

Song Parodies

All songs © Doug Hughes. All rights reserved.
See also: two other songs on Doug's portfolio site: click here.

O Miss, Must Thee
Tune: O Christmas Tree
Kevin got engaged this year to his longtime girlfriend, Megan Duke. No wedding date has yet been set.

O Miss, must thee fill me with glee
And please agree to marry me.
I wish for thee eternity
Of love here in my arms, you see.
O Megan, dear, come bond with me!
I’m beggin’ here, I’m on my knee!
O Miss, if ye wouldst heed my plea,
I’ll marry thee quite merrily.

O kiss me, treat me, be with me.
I promise thee with certainty
That bliss will be our history
And we will live our fantasy.
O Megan Duke, I’m caught, you see;
I praise the fluke that brought me thee.
Say “yes” to me, sweet ecstasy,
And I’ll marry thee! Yea, verily!

The Most Overfull Time of the Year
Tune: It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Doug’s really not as cynical about Christmas as this parody would have you
believe. He just finds it therapeutic to see the humor in stressful situations.

It’s the most wholly full time of the year.
Every second is planned out,
And folks want a handout
You try not to sneer.
It’s the most full-of-bull time of the year.

SUVs seize every stall at the mall
To fill Christmas stockings
You stalk shoppers walking
To get to their stall
It’s a lame shame you can’t park
on the wall.

You unwrap crap someone thought would be sweet.
You get some worthless doodad
You can’t exchange—too bad—
They lost the receipt!
Christmas gift-giving’s a pain… in the seat!

There’s a long list to buy for
And bargains to vie for
You wait in line to save a buck
But someone else bought up
The last of the lot and so
Now you are stuck, out of luck.

It’s the most godawful time of the year
Go driving, get flipped off;
go buying get ripped off
By surly cashiers!
It’s the most unwelcome time…
It’s the most plunderful time…
It’s the most wonderful time…
for a beer!

A College in the Ivies
Tune: The Holly And The Ivy
At the time I wrote this song, Kaitlin was applying to 13 different colleges—from coast to coast. Ultimately, she was accepted at Ivy League Cornell U., but declined them.

A college in the Ivy
League may not be for me.
Of all the schools that are in the world
I need one that is free.

O, the rising of my grades
Will help me when I aspire
To find a place that offers me
Sweet singing in the choir.

The college search is daunting
I might as well just cower
I’m harried and, sweet Jesus Christ,
Wish I had some super powers.

One college wants four essays
Couldn’t I just give blood?
I’m so tired, filling all these apps,
That I feel just like crud.

It seems I’m in a pickle
I can’t make up my mind:
What to do, and where to go?
And once I’m there, what will I find?

They’re calling in the dark.
Each says they have it all.
But I don’t need a big brochure;
I just need a crystal ball.

The colleges that I’ve seen
Have each won some renown
They appeal to me, and all sound good
So which college wins the crown?

Carol of the Cells
Tune: Carol of the Bells
Have you noticed how noisy life has become in the wireless age? So have we.

Hark how the cells, all seem to play
Music. I say, “Throw them away!”
Ring tones that may drive me insane
Bring one more way to cause me pain.
Cells don’t have bells,
just boops and beeps
Or MP3s (give me creeps).
And if I glare, they just don’t care
Noise everywhere, filling the air.

Why must the masses all act like asses
Turn off your phone; leave me alone!
And very, very, very much how I hate
Why they can’t just set their
phone on “vibrate.”

On, on it blares, no one it spares
Movies they ruin with every tune.
Sell throngs cell songs? Wrong!

Kiss Goodbye My Teenage Years
Tune: The Chipmunk Song
It’s a shock when your children become adults, and assert their independence.

Kiss goodbye my teenage years.
Time is here to have some beers.
I’ve been good; I wouldn’t lie.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Let’s go somewhere I can say,
“ Pass the cheese and cabernet!”
Raise your glass, it’s come at last.
My twenty-first birthday!

It's Not Purty
Tune: I Feel Pretty, from West Side Story
Written for Doug's brother Kurt for his 40th birthday, August 2005

It's not purty. It's poor Kurt--he
Isn't thirty-nine years anymore.
He's turned forty
And his birthday we cannot ignore.

It's appalling how he's balding!
It's a small thing, but galling to Kurt.
Hair is falling
Out and gee, you know that's gotta hurt!

See that witty guy; he's a year older
On the zodiac he's a Leo.
Leos can be dense, stubborn as can be,
Egos quite immense--but that isn't he!

Kurt is gentle, tempermental,
And he spent all his money on toys
For he loves
Those pretty wonderful boys!

Thanks For The Memories
Tune: Thanks For The Memories, as sung by Bob Hope
Written for Fr. Raymond Kenny's retirement, June 2005

Thanks for the memories
It's been a great two years,
We'll try to hold our tears
As you depart, it's from the heart,
We give you hearty cheers

Thanks for the ministry
You humbly served your flock
You truly walked the walk
With older folk, you'd laugh and joke;
With kids, you really rock.
We thank you so much.

You served us with service so splendid.
Your time and your help you extended.
And hundreds of folks you befriended
Will not forget. We're glad we met, so...

Thanks for the homilies.
We hate to see them stop,
You cleverly used props
So "props" to you for all you do,
They really were the tops,
We'll miss you so much.

You love justice, and jazz, and drink java.
Launched a job support group, thank you, Fathah!
You help out and say it's no bothah.
What you are to use is quite marvelous, so...

Thanks from the laity.
We hate to see you go; we wish it wasn't so.
But we know you like to "take a hike,"
So blessings we bestow:
God bless you, dear friend!

We Wanted To Go
Tune: Together Wherever You Go, from the musical Gypsy
Written for Brad Bening's (actress Annette Bening's brother) 50th birthday party, where guests were invited to bring squirt guns

We wanted to go; we swear this is true.
We wanted to go to your party.
We live much too far, and so here we are,
Both wishing you’re hale and hearty.
And as you turn fifty, it’s nifty,
As lawyers go, you’re not so shifty
We send this song and hope you’re not miffed we
Aren’t with thee
Together!
To bring a squirt gun
Would have been lots of fun
So cut loose, and be uncontrolled.
Go squirt Annette, and get Byron wet
While Ashley and Blake eat your birthday cake
Get wet and forget that you’re old!
With this video, we want you to know
We love you like family, dear Bradley.
You’ve got lots of class, (so) we’re raising our glass
In your name, we’ll drink all year, gladly.
We wish that we could be there with you
We can’t tell you how much we mith you
We wish that we could grab you and kith you.
(Spoken: Me? KITH him?
We MITH him!)
We mith you, so badly.
So go take a bow.
We know you know how.
You’re OLD now; aye--there’s the rub!
You’re over the hill, so go take a pill
The A-A-R-P has been good to me
So welcome, dear Brad, to the club!

Did You Know Shakespeare Is Witty?
Tune: My Favorite Things, from The Sound of Music
Written for a video commercial promoting the Presentation High School production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. The reference to "pies" is a jab at the pie-in-the-face humor running through the previous show.

Did you know Shakespeare is witty and funny?
See for yourself; it won’t cost you much money.
A Midsummer Night’s Dream is coming your way.
Here are some reasons to come see our play.
Mischievous fairies are all in collusion,
Mixing love potions creating confusion.
Cross-dressing actors all add to the fun.
Colorful costumes are second to none.
The lighting is magic, the sets are fantastic,
Be entertained while you’re feeling scholastic,
Earn extra credit while we do the work,
Come see your friends, or they’ll call you a jerk.
See the catfight! Watch the moonlight!
See the handsome guys.
If you liked the Follies, then you’ll love this show
Because there will be... no pies!

You, Philips, Are Senseless
Tune: You Fill Up My Senses, by John Denver
Written after Philips Semiconductors laid Doug off from his job, April 2005

You, Philips, are senseless.
In your plight you come for us.
You are countin' your pennies
But you don't have a brain.
You informed me I'm severed;
What the bleepwere you thinkin'?
Your acts are defenseless.
You've screwed up again.

Come let me show you
How I gave my life to you
And yet now you're the shafter
And I got the shaft.
When you lay off good guys, we
Nearly always ask, "Why me?"
'Cause we're your best assets...
Kiss my assets goodbye!

You've No Business
Tune: There's No Business Like Show Business from Annie Get Your Gun
Written for a video commercial promoting the Presentation Follies, Jan 2005

You've no business not go go visit the Pres Follies here soon
Everything about it is appealing.
It is entertaining; that's a fact.
Nothing else provides such happy feelings.
It's like a three-ring circus act.
Get your jollies at the Pres Follies,
You'll smile and love it so!
Even with the quirky plot that we'll unfold
Our show's outstanding, will be extolled.
Will you get your seats before they all are sold?
Just go! Come to our show!

The Handyman
Tune: The Candy Man from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
Dedicated to Doug’s handyman Dad, Kenny Hughes. Written and recorded as a Christmas gift. Years ago, Kenny used to make homemade champagne in a plastic garbage can. Building a grotto at Our Lady of Lourdes Church in Seattle was one of his life's biggest "labors of love."

Who can take some lumber, turn it into toys,
Creating any number of surprises for his boys?
The handyman. The handyman can.
The handyman can cause he makes it all with love
And scraps of leftover wood.

Who can build a grotto on a rocky hill
And create a waterfall, devotion to instill?
The handyman. The handyman can.
The handyman can cause he builds it all with love
And makes us feel so good.

When the handyman builds, wishes are fulfilled
And he makes it seem so facile. Really! It would be no hassle
To help you build a treehouse castle.

Who can take a chicken coop, recycle every board,
Clean the nails and chicken poop, the lumber is restored?
The handyman. Oh the handyman can.
The handyman can cause he scrapes it off with love
And we reclaim the wood.

Who can take a scrap heap, tinker in his shop?
I’m so proud and happy that this genius is my pop:
The handyman. The handyman, Ken.
The handyman Ken always fixes it with love
As only Kenny Hughes could.

Yes, Kenny Hughes is something of a whiz
He is simply so prolific! From Atlantic to Pacific
He’s the best, ’cause he’s terrific.

Who can build the most homes in Seattle’s rain?
Let’s all drink a toast to him with “garbage can” champagne
From the handyman. From the handyman’s can.
The handyman’s can, ’cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world taste good!

Tapestry
Tune: Tapestry by Carole King
Written for St. Martin of Tours 90th Anniversary Celebration Nov. 11, 2004
VIEW THE VIDEO OF THIS SONG HERE

St. Martin’s is a tapestry of beauty so sublime
A multi-colored banner woven from the threads of time.
For ninety years of joy and tears, we’ve joined it at the seams
To weave a wondrous masterpiece of lives and hopes and dreams.

But like the cloak St. Martin wore, our tapestry is torn.
We’ve sacrificed it for the poor; through death we are reborn.
We proclaim and live the Word of God in all we do;
Correcting our mistakes just makes our tapestry anew.

With golden threads, we weave our Master’s peace, a bit each day.
A precious work of hearts, its richness never fades away.
It tells the story of the glory that our deeds have spun
All united in God’s Son.

The wisdom of our elders and the innocence of youth
Both make up the fabric of a never-ending truth.
Through prayer we reach out everywhere,
Transcending time and place,
And we see our Lord reflected in a stranger’s weary face.

Our worship team makes Sunday grand--a day to celebrate.
Our men’s club brings us Fun Day, and the ladies’ guild is great!
Our volunteers throughout the years touch lives in many ways,
From serving on committees to staging summer plays.
Let us all be thankful for our parish tapestry--
The work of many people in a common ministry.
We are a people ministering to people everywhere,
Wrapping them in Christian love with all the gifts we share.
All the gifts we share.

76 Candles
Tune: 76 Trombones (from The Music Man)
for Bob Russell’s retirement
Bob Russell is the 76-year-old choir director who took the Presentation High School Jazz Choir to Carnegie Hall, Disneyland, and Disney World. When he retired, Doug sang this at his tribute.

With seventy six can-dles on your birthday cake
Ya lick all the frost-ing off, you'll get a tummy ache
And blowing them out will take much more wind than you can make
Don't even try, or else your lungs'll break!
Seventy six birth-days, give or take a few,
Since your day of birth in your big debut
I wouldn't be so bold as to say you're getting old,
But a horse this old would be glue!

You made top-to-bottom changes in the music here
We're wondering, wondering, how to fill your shoes
You play, direct, arrange the score, and so much more
But you’re out the door, so please pass the booze!
There are fifty thousand honest forms of flattery
Tons of things, tons of things, we should say to you
Yet we just heave heavy sighs
A nd thank you cause you've touched our lives
God bless you, for everything you do!

Here's to a ton of fun in the Georgia sun
Where we pray you'll continue to teach.
You'd better learn E-mail or we'll kick you in the tail
And we'll call you a son of a peach!
You are the music man and we honor you
And we’re trying very hard not to cry
Our loss here is Geor-gia’s win,
But we wish you had a twin!
So we’ll say... See ya later... not goodbye!

Kathy Russell's the nicest producer
Tune: I Wanna Be A Producer from the Broadway show The Producers
Bob Russell's wife, Kathy, served as producer for the past two Christmas shows at Presentation High School. Doug wrote this tribute for her.

Kathy Russell's the nicest producer that you'd ever want to know
As for us, we just cannot refuse her, for she puts on quite a show
Kathy Russell's the nicest producer. She is beauty, with a brain
It's no wonder that Bob, here, would choose her.
If he hadn't, he'd be insane.

Kathy Russell's the nicest producer stays up till after two
She's so nice, that we'll have to excuse her, for the things she made us do! ("Aging elves," indeed!)
Kathy Russell's the nicest producer, and she joined us in the play
When she pointed to her caboose, her Great sense of humor was on display!

Mrs. Russell's the nicest producer (Tell it, girls!)
And our show was a great big smash (Don't forget the money!)
Mrs. Russell's the nicest producer, and we made a lot of cash!
Mrs. Russell's the nicest producer; she is like a second Mom!
We! Love! You! Oh yes!
Thank you, dear Mrs. Producer! Disney World, here we come!

She works for me! (She works for me!)
She works for free! (She works for free!)
She works for free, the greatest grandest and most fabulous producer in the world…

She is the nicest producer. She came to dine with us "little people" here
Kathy's the nicest producer--but I still could use a beer!
(Oh, how he needs a beer!)
Kathy's the nicest producer, and she adds her special touch:
First she got Annette to come enthrall em;
Got a plug in Leigh Wiemer's column;
She is the nicest producer… And we thank you, oh so much!
We're happy, so happy, really happy
Very very very very, very very very very… glad!
Thank you, dear Mrs. Producer!

Desktop Hosting (Doug’s Carol 2004)
Tune: Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting)

Desktop hosting costs are so immense
Macs cost more than you can pay
You’ll find peril being stung by expense
When shopping at Comp USA
Better stay away
Or else you’ll see another toy
That you cannot live without
For your wives, you’ll create a big ploy
And when it doesn’t work, you’ll pout.

And so to Santa Claus you pray
Your stuff is obsolete: you bought it yesterday
You need an upgrade now, and so you bitch
You’re paying interest while Bill Gates gets rich
And still you go ahead and blow your wad
To download songs on DSL
You fill your iPod, though your logic is flawed.
It costs money, as well.

Do A Show, Do A Show, Do A Show (Kaitlin’s Carol 2004)
Tune: Let it Snow Let it Snow Let it Snow

Oh whether your time is quite full
Or only just a mite full
If you have time to blow
Do a show, do a show, do a show!
Oh doing shows is quite thrilling
Even when it’s not top billing
I’m a gypsy from head to toe
Do a show, do a show, do a show!
In The Dining Room I was cast
In a role that could steal the scene
Doing Seussical was a blast,
Dying my hair a bright green!
The choir sang in Orlando
The Boyfriend was a grand show
I’m a ham, yes I am, don’t you know?
In a show, there I go, watch me crow!

I Enjoy Playing a Girl (Karin’s Showtune 2004)
Tune: I Enjoy Being A Girl from Flower Drum Song
Karin landed the female lead role in Big River—after many years of playing male roles at Presentation High School (an all-girls school)

Male parts in the arts like theater
Are so plentiful I could hurl
I’ve been cast, at long last, much sweeter:
I am now playing a girl!
I go to a show audition
I’m as scared as a skittish squirrel
For the role that’s my sole ambition:
I prefer playing a girl.
I don’t want a role that bends my gender.
I don’t even if you offered cash.
I won’t wear a tie or men’s suspenders.
I won’t ever wear a handlebar mustache!
I sing and I wing a high note
When I dance, I can kick and twirl.
So if you want a clue to my vote,
I enjoy playing a girl!

Costuming a Show (Diane’s Carol 2004)
Tune: Frosty the Snowman
Diane got extensively involved in sewing costumes this year

Costuming a show can
Fill up all your schedule’s holes.
To adorn the cast, Diane cuts and sews
As she tries to make her goals.
There’s so much to sew, man,
That she drives to Pres each eve
For the children’s play, she won’t “have” to stay;
Just the same, she’ll do a sleeve.
She used outrageous fabrics
Guaranteed to make you stare
A coat of blue and yellow plaid
Like the ones I used to wear!
Funny how it goes:
She can sew for weeks on end,
But on her own clothes, well, heaven knows
She has no spare time to spend!

Lots of Windows Games (Kevin’s Carol 2004)
Tune: Christmas Waltz (Frosted windowpanes)

Lots of Windows games
But not much for me
It is such a shame
That I lack
Software to choose from
That I can run right here,
Here on my brand new Mac.
It’s a crime, I fear,
That the world fell in love
With the wrong game gear.
Seems like they
Swear the X-box
Is a gamer’s dream come true
But they’re wrong, and I’m
Gonna moan and whine
Wishing you and yours
A PS/2!

We Three Kids All Sail The Sea
Tune: We Three Kings
Written to memorialize the fun we had on our family cruise on Royal Caribbean's Voyager ship, Christmas 2003

We three kids all sail the sea,
Climbing the walls, quite literally
The scenery’s pretty, the ship’s a city
With so much activity!
Oh... Learn about a Mayan ruin
Take a dip in the lagoon
Don’t lose your suit, cause it ain’t cute
We didn’t come to see the moon.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Kristine (Diane’s Carol 2003)
(Tune: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas)
Diane's sister Kristine and her son Nicolas moved in with us over Labor Day

It’s beginning to look a lot like Kristine and young Nicolas
Are in need of a place to be just temporarily
So why not have them come and live with us?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Kristine could a blessing be
For her living with us will mean that we’ll get the house more clean
(Eventually!)

Frosh at Sonoma (Karin’s Carol 2003)
(Tune: Frosty the Snowman)
Karin transferred from Sonoma State to the local SJSU in November

Frosh at Sonoma say the food there does not suit.
For a home-cooked meal they will wheel and deal
And endure a long commute.
Home from Sonoma, Karin’s treated like a guest
She can have some fun, get her laundry done,
In the place she loves the best.
There must have been some logic in those trips home each Friday;
The more she slept in her own bed she began to want to stay!
So, so long, Sonoma, and hello, dear San Jose!
She can learn from home, doesn’t have to roam,
And it’s here she’ll find her way

Dinging Here, Dinging There (Kaitlin’s Carol 2003)
(Tune: Jingle Bells)
Kaitlin participated in the annual penny drive and numerous fundraisers

Dad I need your pennies, Dad, I need some toys.
Soon I’ll need a prom bid to go dancing with the boys.
Mom, please bake some cookies and pay to hem my skirts
When you go to private school they ding you till it hurts!
Ow! Dinging here, dinging there dinging everywhere.
Turn your pockets inside out and tear our all your hair.
It’s bad enough tuition rises faster than the Dow.
When Dad adds up all the dings he’s gonna have a cow!

In a Coma (Kevin’s Carol 2003)
(Tune: Halleluiah Chorus)
Kevin, at long last, will be graduating from Santa Clara U. in June.

In a coma! (Want) My diploma! Wanna go now! Make some dough now!
With all I know now!
Graduation! School cessation! Job creation! With vacation! Matriculation!
O please, Lord God, take me from what paineth!
Halleluiah! Glad I knew ya! Nearly through, yeah! No more school! Yeah!
O please, Lord God, take me from what draineth!
I’ll be leaving! Start achieving! No more grieving! Dorm-mates heaving!
No more, Lord God, for my patience waneth!
It’s farewell now! I can spell now! No more hell now! Ring the bell now!
Thank the Lord God, for not much remaineth!
What’s it to ya? S.C.? Boo-yah! Halle-lu-iah!

Princess Cruises
(Tune: Caroling, Caroling)
Doug wrote these next two songs for the cruise ship passenger talent show

Princess Cruises are so great, I love the friends we’re meeting
I love the food; I’m gaining weight, because I’m always eating!
Adding inches to my girth, just to get my “money’s worth”
If I had space, I’d stuff my face at first and second seating

It's better than Disney
(Tune: Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town)

It’s better than Disney, or NCL, better by far than the finest hotel.
Princess Cruises are so much fun.
The food is delicious, and even the snacks
They do the dishes, while I just relax
Princess Cruises are so much fun.
I glanced toward the window, and told my wife, “Come here!
I think I see a whale!” She said, “You’re looking in the mirror!”
There’s so much to do, there’s hardly a break
I keep drinking Cokes to keep me awake
Princess Cruises are so much fun!

Hiding the Clutter
(Tune: Sleigh Ride)
Do you do as we do, and make a mad dash to clean the house just before company arrives? Uh huh. We thought so.

We hear the doorbell ringing and still we’re flinging drawers shut.
In boxes, things we’re throwing, not even knowing what’s what.
Inside we’re madly stalling as friends are calling, “Yoo hoo!”
Please don’t mistake our meaning; for we’re not done cleaning for you.

Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up I say; we don’t have all day.
How did our house ever get this way?
Get it out, get it out, get it out of sight, this terrible blight,
We’ll answer the door not before
this whole house is made clean and bright!

Behind each door and shutter, each piece of clutter we’ll hide.
With papers flying and going in piles, it’s snowing inside.
And when it’s finally spotless, we say, “How thoughtless we’ve been!”
And we greet all our guests with, “Excuse the mess; do come in!”

Carnegie Hall (Karin's Carol 2002)
(Tune: Silent Night)

Carnegie Hall! Stars, one and all, standing here, we feel so small.
United with voices from some other age,
Excited, rejoicing to be on this stage.
Singing a heavenly piece! Singing a heavenly piece!

The Games You're Playing Past Midnight, Dear (Kevin's Carol 2002)
(Tune: It Came Upon A Midnight Clear)

The games you're playing past midnight, dear, are gory, addictive and fun.
With strangers sending you more IMs, the clock is nearly at one.
You're "almost through" as the clock strikes two,
You're ready to head off to bed.
You swear, "One more!" (It's three.) (It's four.)
You stay up till seven instead!

All I Want For Christmas Is A Good Night's Sleep (Diane's Carol 2002)
(Tune: All I Want for Christmas)

All I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep.
I won't count sheep; I'll just sleep deep.
Gee, if I could only have a good night's sleep
Then I could stay awake for Christmas.

With all this pollen, there's no chance
Tomorrow I'll awaken with the dawning.
But Doug has fallen in a trance
While I just lie here yawning.

It's hot, it's cold, there's dust and mold, and still he snores.
I can't ignore his rhythmic roar.
I'll give my love a gentle shove onto the floor
And we will both sleep well this Christmas!

Farewell to St. Martin's (Kaitlin's Carol 2002)
(Tune: Jolly Old Saint Nicholas)

Fifteen years, St. Martin's has been our children's school,
Where they learned to read and write and the golden rule.
Principals and playgrounds there both have come and gone
Now with Kaitlin graduatin', we, too, must move on.
Memories are bittersweet, friends are good to find,
We will not forget the ones we have left behind.
Life is like an epic book; pages must be turned.
As we're starting Chapter Two, look how much we've learned!

Christmas Bills (Doug's Carol 2002)
(Tune: Caroling Caroling)

Scaring me, tearing me into bits, Christmas bills are frightening.
Paining me, draining me; it's the pits. Christmas nightmares heightening.
All we spent for yesterday we lament (it's time to pay!)
What a shock; we're in hock, and our belts we're tightening.

Oh how I wish the school's tuition wasn't rising yearly.
Two kids in college, the high price of knowledge means that Dad pays dearly.
I'll invest without complaint to get the best (I'm such a saint!)
I'll survive past ninety-five, paying interest, clearly.

Zilly the Silly Pokemon (Kevin’s Carol 1999)
(Tune: Rudolph)

We know Pikachu, Charizard, Squirtle, and Spearow,
Abra, Kadabra, Kabuto, and Fearow.
But how could we forget... the most hokey Pokémon yet?

Zilly, the silly Pokémon had a very large behind.
She was just as fat as Santa— the butt of many jokes unkind.
All of the Pocket Monsters would torment her about her weight,
Embarrass, and taunt, and tease her, ignoring any other trait.
One day Zilly left in shame, said she had to “grow.”
Little did they realize she’d grow eighty times her size!
Then all the Pokémon loved her, but even so, she squashed them flat.
The moral is never, ever call Godzilla’s daughter fat!

Y2K Night (Doug’s Carol 1999)
(Tune: Silent Night)

Y2K night, something’s not right.
Power’s down; there’s no light!
New year’s eve kisses igniting the gloom
Nine months from now bring the next baby boom.
Sleep will be scarce on that morn;
Sleep even less when they’re born!

I Pray For The Stranger (Kaitlin’s Carol 1999)
(Tune: Away in a Manger)

I pray for the stranger who hasn’t a bed.
I pray for the orphan who hasn’t been fed.
I pray for the innocent victims of war;
May Christmas bring peace to the children once more.

A Home For The Holidays (Diane’s Carol 1999)
(Tune: Home for the Holidays)

Chorus:
Oh, we’re building a home for the holidays
It is stressful, but still a lot of fun.
We’ve been living in just two rooms since way last May
And for Christmas all we want is to be done!
Tonight I’ll dream some thoughts extreme:
Of breathing dust-free air
With the luscious smell of homemade apple pie.
I can hardly wait to hibernate In a room with room to spare
If the workers got prolific, boy, that sure would be terrific! (repeat chorus)

Karin Hughes Karin Hughes (Karin’s Carol 1999)
(Tune: Caroling, Caroling)

Karin Hughes, Karin Hughes, came to me, on a Super Sunday.
The football game was on TV. It was to be a fun day.
“I have a tummy ache,” she whined. “Go lie down, and you’ll be fine.”
Shame on me! (Darn TV!) It was the wrong prognosis.

Karin Hughes, Karin Hughes, the next day, still was feeling sickly.
Called the doc, to see what she’d say. She said, “We must act quickly!”
Rushed her off to surgery to have an appendectomy.
What a shock! (Thanks, Doc, for your diagnosis!)

Thick Steaks Roasting (Diane’s Carol 2000)
(Tune: Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire--"The Christmas Song")

Thick steaks roasting on our new gas grill,
Good friends splashing in the pool,
Drinks on ice bring a nice, welcome chill
From the sun; it’s fun when there’s no school!
It would be so cool if summertime could last all year,
And we could just do as we please.
All our problems would just disappear with no responsibilities!
We know that fantasy’s a dream: we’re loaded down
with lots of things to do, it seems.
And on the day the dream is realized
Will be when reindeer really fly through the skies.
And so we’re daydreaming this simple wish:
Some day before we’re ninety two,
Our house will be done, and we’ll have time for fun,
And we’ll share it... with you!

Santa Clara’s Such a Nice School (Kevin’s Carol 2000)
(Tune: Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town)

It’s better than Stanford, better than Cal, better to help you find a true pal!
Santa Clara’s such a nice school!
Kevin’s a frosh there, out on his own. Such an adventure, two miles from home!
Santa Clara’s such a nice school!
The profs are fascinating, the dorms are lots of fun,
Tuition costs a fortune, and we’ve only just begun! Oh...

The First Hotel (Doug’s Carol 2000)
(Tune: The First Noel)

The first hotel–’tho I cannot be sure– that I stayed at this past month
(Which all seems a blur),
Was a Sheraton, I think, or a Hilton, perhaps.
I’ve been so many places, my memory’s lapsed!
Hotel, hotel: they’re all... the same;
Go get my soaps and I’ll tell you the name!

I’m Going to Rome for an Audience (Karin’s Carol 2000)
(Tune: No Place Like Home for the Holidays)

Oh, I’m going to Rome for an audience
with his holiness, John Paul (he’s my bud!)
He won’t mind when he notices my body is
just disgusting, covered head to toe with mud!

For as a rule, ol’ John Paul’s cool; I love to ride along,
In the front seat of his custom Popemobile.
He’s one rad dude, with attitude, that’s why I sing this song.
He is popular with people, ’cause He’s named after the Beatles!

Oh, I’m going to Rome just to say hello
To my pal, who hangs out with kings and queens.
It’s a party, but just close friends will get to go:
Me, J.P., and some two million other teens!

Angel, We Have Heard the Word (Kaitlin’s Carol 2000)
(Tune: Angels We Have Heard on High)

Angel, we have heard the word: Sweet things are not good for you.
You must try a brand new diet. (Doctors say this should be true!)
No—(more) fatty munchies, So-(da) with your lunchies,
Or— (Ha)waiian Punchies, They can hurt... your hypoglycemia!
Oh—(my) dear, we’re pleading, Pro-(tein) you are needing,
So—(you) can’t be eating big desserts...with hypoglyce-mi-a!

I dunno, I dunno, I dunno! (Karin’s Carol 2001)
(Tune: Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow)

Oh the homework I get is frightening, and I’d rather be struck by lightning.
Oh, why do they pile it so? I dunno, I dunno, I dunno!
Oh, it doesn’t show signs of stopping, and they’re always quizzes popping,
Oh why do they try us so? I dunno, I dunno, I dunno!
When our finals are finally here how I dread all the terror it brings
Though I’ve studied like heck all year, dear God, did I learn the right things?
Until then I am slowly dying, as to college, I’m applying.
But the answer I most need to know: Where t'go? Where t'go? Where t'go?

“Goodness!” Winces Dear Diane (Diane’s Carol 2001)
(Tune: Good King Wenceslas)

“Goodness!” winces dear Diane, as she meets my family:
Cousins by the dozens and even gramps and grammy.
“Both my parents had no sibs; our family tree’s a sapling.
Doug’s fruit tree is full of kids, there is much more hap’ning.”

“Welcome, all ye long-lost kin, it’s so nice to meet you!
Won’t you all please come right in? Many want to greet you.
This reunion’s overdue; each other we’ve neglected.
Promise us; we’ll promise you that we’ll stay connected!”

Singing the Star Spangled Banner (Kaitlin’s Song 2001)
(Tune: The U.S. National Anthem)

San Jose, can you see, on the lawn here tonight,
Where so proudly I sing, as my father stands, beaming.
The grandstands, full of fans, are a most thrilling sight.
All those eyes—trained on us— are we here, or just dreaming?
So we hit that high E (Yes, my sister and me)
Giving proof we can sing using Francis Scott’s “Key.”
Oh, the crowd loved our “Star Spangled Banner,” it’s true,
As the ballpark was our stage (and we won the game, too!)

O Little Town of San Jose (Doug’s Lament 2001)
(Tune: O Little Town of Bethlehem)

O little town of San Jose, you’ve only yourself to blame.
No wonder folks don’t “know the way;”
You’ve squandered away your name!
You’ve sold your soul for chump change, and renamed SJC!
When will it end, this awful trend of lost identity?
Politicos in San Jose are such self-serving fools!
Despite what all the people say, they’ve hocked the town’s crown jewels.
Our airport and arena once made us proud and warm.
Now monuments to ego have, alas, become “The Norm!”

All I Want for Christmas is to Sit and Play (Kevin’s Carol 2001)
(All I Want For Christmas Is My 2 Front Teeth)

All I want for Christmas is to sit and play
Both night and day the “Game-Cube” way.
See, for me, a big TV and smooth 3D (is) an ideal recipe for Christmas!
I don’t need any underwear, so save the socks for someone else’s present.
But Mario excites me so, and playing it is…pleasant! (repeat chorus)