Hazel's Grand Adventure

Well darlins, yer ol Buddy Hazel's back from a wonderful vacation! I got me some
rest, got the still started back up, and took care of my "regulars", that had run
outta hooch! Darn near run outta quart jars, too. Folks round here shore got mighty
thirsty whilst I was gone!

I figurd I'd take my trip to Graceland early this year. All them folks in the August
heat, is jes downright unbearable! Some of em last year was still jest a hollerin an a
boohooin, I never heared such a fuss! This year I'z able ta pay my respects, and
leave some of my Prize Winnin Sunflowers, and walk around without feelin like a
sardine in all that mess!

Then I headed to Lynchburg, to see some ol friends, and visit the grave of the
Great Man-Jack Daniels. I also left some of my Blue Ribbon Sunflowers, and a jar
of my best moonshine, at his gravesite. He's been an idol and an inspiration to me,
all my life! I stayed there at Miss Mary Bobo's Boarding House fer a few days.
She's done gone on to be with the Lord, but the place is bein run right nicely by
Lynne Tolley (That's Mr Jacks great-grand neice! Mr Jack never did marry er
have any chillen hisself).That young girl shore would make Miss Mary Proud! And
Mr.Jack, too!

After my stay at Lynchburg, I decided to stop and visit some kinfolk afore I
headed over to Dollywood. Jeb and his wife LucyJane, they got 8 younguns
(I often wonder if Jeb should go get him a hobby, an give LucyJane a rest!).
Thangs was awfully crowded already-but they pitched a fit til I said I'd stay
awhile! It wuz close quarters, but I had a purty nice time! LucyJane has got the
best Possum Recipes I ever tasted! ...They've got to do somethin with that
youngest boy of theirs. He ain't right, he's what we call a "Ring Tail Corker".
Looks alot like Hitchcock, too. He just aint got all his Post Toasties! Well,
LucyJane and I pestered Jeb til he got that ol transmission outta the tub,
so we could get us a bath. After all, it wuz Saturday night, and I wanted to
be fresh as a daisy when I headed out fer Dollywood! I headed out early the
next mornin, and made my way to Dollywood. I got halfway there afore I
looked in the rear view mirror and saw I'd been draggin LucyJanes clothesline
behind me! That fool Jeb had hung a clothesline, usin my truck, and never
took it down (I'm beginnin to thank Jeb an that youngest boy of his is alot
alike). I'll jest hafta mail them drawers back to em. I swear Jeb ain't got
no sense! That old Ford in the yard up on blocks is what LucyJane uses to
hang clothes on! The dimwit should know the differnce.

I got ta Pigeon Forge-and I ain't been there in years....not since before
Dollywood. Now, Dollywood wuz called Silver Dollar City way back then. Got me
alot of fond memories of Pigeon Forge! That's where me and an old gal named
Bertha got into a nasty heated row about makin moonshine, many years ago. She
put in witch hazel, swares its the best. I found jest a tad of turpentine gives
ya that good burn after the sweet, that makes ALL the difference. We had us
a showdown, and brought out our Jugs! Thar wasn't nobody in that General
Store standin come sun up, or sittin fer that matter. Folks round there jest
called it a "draw", and had sum coffee with Jack Daniels, ta cure the shakes,
and get tha hare of the dawg.Then they went on bout their business!
 

Dollywood shore has fancied up Pigeon Forge! Thars all kinds a shops an
resteraunts. I wuz hopin to meet that gal Dolly Parton, but she warn't there.
I was wantin to see ifn them thangs of hers wuz real! They had a statue of her,
an ifn it's correct...that gal could put somebodys eye out with them thangs!
One thang I DID notice there in Dollywood....that parkin lot ain't got a single
speed bump! You reckon it's cause ifn Dolly went over em, she'd slap her chin
outta joint?? Well, I spose big hooters has got good thangs an bad thangs ta
deal with. Poor girl, she ain't never gonna be able ta lay down on her back and
watch the TV! Hell, she wouldn't be able to see a thang! She cain't even see her
tiny lil feet, as it is! But now, on the upside ta that...she can lay on her tummy
to watch TV, an never need a piller!

They had a store there that sold them floozy wigs Dolly likes ta ware, and I
shore wuz tempted ta git me one! But I settled on me a new handmade chair fer
the front porch, and traded 4 quarts of my moonshine, fer a nice cumfy
handmade quilt. I jest don't have much time fer quiltin, now that I got me this
here computer! I enjoyed eatin breakfast at Aunt Granny's! It's one of them
fancy buffets, and you can bet Granny serves a mean "rib stickin" breakfast.
One thang that ain't changed-is them are still some mighty nice folks. They's
real friendly! I almost hated to leave- but I still wanted to get to Opryland!

Now, I ain't been ta the Grand Ole Opry since it was in the old Ryman
Auditorium, whoeee....years ago! I wuz a Sprang Chicken back then, and
sassy, too! I got ta hear Ernest Tubb, Hank Williams, and that handsome
Marty Robbins. I even got ta hear Patsy Cline, too! Did you NASCAR fans know
that Patsy Cline wuz engaged to that sweet Elmo Langley fer a spell?? Yessir,
shore was! That New Opry House shore is big! I got there late, an had ta climb
my fat ass all the way up to them top seats. Couldn't see very good-but then,
I don't see as good as I used to. An my glasses wuz in the truck. I warn't
about ta go down an back up all them danged staires agin! All them young girls
jest a screamin an a hollerin! And they was hardley warin any clothes! I just
luv that country music, it never mattered ta me if'n somebody wuz "real cute".
Them looks wouldn't buy em a can of fishin worms, ifn he cain't sing a note!
Bein hansom was jest a special extra when it come ta Marty Robbins! He used
to drive in NASCAR too, fer a spell. But he got tired of bein what he called
"NASCAR's Chief Wall Tester". That Marty-he shore was a hoot!
God rest his soul!

After the show, I elbowed my way through them skinny, unfed, barely dressed
girls. I was jest ready to git on home, and gettin a mite grumpy, when I saw
an old high school feller that I'd been kindly sweet on frum years ago. He called
out my name, an I wasn't shore if it wuz him er not. He used to be taller...he
used to be thin as a rail....well, damn..he used ta have a head full a hare! He
walked me to my old Chevy truck, and I reached in an got my glasses...quick!
I wanted to make shore I wasn't agoin blind. But thar he stood! Big as the side
of a barn, not a hare on his head, but plenty in his ears, and peekin outta his
nose. A goofy ol grin showin me botha his teeth, just a lookin real stupid! And
the longest danged earlobes I ever seen! Whoeee-I didn't want ta look no
further! I made sum excuses and scrambled my fat butt into my truck fast
as I could, an said my farewell as I wuz burnin rubber outta thar! I was ready
to git home! Old women shouldn't git the stuffin scared outta them like that!
That thang called Gravity is a nasty thang to have, and then to behold in
women OR men!

Oh Happy Day! I am home! And I got the still puffin along jes fine. The dawgs
is all sound asleep under the porch, I fixed some rabbit stew, and they had
leftover stew, mustard greens, and cornbread. Ever one of em is glad ol
Hazel's back home, and they're a doin there share of snorin! Got the computer
fired up, and put my new pictures of Graceland and Jack Daniels from my trip
beside my old ones! Whilst I was gone, my Dale Earnhardt and Richard Petty
Commemorative plates arrived for me down at Hanks Feed and Seed. I enjoyed
my trip-but there's nuthin like bein back home! I'll start answerin the Email
from you folks thats been askin ol Hazel fer Advice. And I'll try ta git caught
up as fast as I can. Yer jest as sweet as you can be fer waitin on ol Hazel!
And you can bet yer bottum doller I appreciate it!

Good Thoughts, Good Booze, Good Racin to Ya!
Hazel
 

Ya know, I still may call up an mail order me one of them floozy wigs! Dolly says it
takes alot of work to look real trashy. I may need ta give that a try!