Please remember, this page was up and running from 1997 to 2000, when we
still had Earnhardt with us, and the Anti-Jeffy wagon was full! Thanks.
A slightly
humorous and irreverent Redneck view
of the
World of Nascar, and it's race fans!
A slightly
humorous and irreverent Redneck view
of the
World of Nascar, and it's race fans!
About the ole Gal Hazels' Great Adventure
(The vacation of a lifetime!)
Dear
Delores,
Lordy,
child-where didja hear that? I don't rightly know what you Northern folkes
do with yer cuzzins....but us Rednecks have got a bad rap bout messin with
our kin!
Now,
I got 2 Cuzzins named Cletus. One...well- he's up in yore neck of the woods
now, and Paw of that lil darlin Cletus Jr.He's got a twin (spittin image),
my cuzzin Lester.Them is good boys-even if Cletus does go and drink that
fancy imported beer! (I thank yall call it PEVA .....why - on Gods green
earth,would ya drank anything that starts with PE?) He swears it goes better
with them Road Kill ribs he's always hankerin! (Last time he gnawed on
them squirrel ribs, them wuz so tiny, made him a new set of toothpicks).Cuzzin
Lesters' more on the quiet side....rarely hear from him lest there's trouble
brewin! Which brangs me to my other Cuzzin Cletus-he's done gone over to
the Dark Side, and is the Prezident of that Jeff Gordon fan club. I reckon
he's the real "imped" one in the family! He's a real good example of why
Rednecks don't have "thangs" with kin! Jest lookee at what ya end up with!
Scares the hell outta me!
Now
my other Cuzzin Cletus (Cletus Jrs Paw)....we got 2 thangs in common! We
both love the Heck outta Racin!! And we both can't stand that Gordon feller!
In fact, we'd jest as soon lynch him as look at him! All that whinin he
does just make my new teeth rattle! If'n you got any nasty ideas, you need
ta warsh that mouth out with good ol lye soap, and take yerself to the
woodshed fer a spell! Us
Racin fans is a rare breed, And when ya have a tried and true fan...ya
stand back ter back whithum....cuz theres traitors everwhere!
As
Ever, Good Thoughts(cleanumup!) Good Booze, and Good Racin!
Hazel
Dear
Junior,
Well,
honey, you sure got yer share of problems! But don't you worry none....chances
are it ain't herred...heidrie...herieddar...it don't run in the family!
Now yer pa never has been one to pay them high prices fer gas, so CletusAnne
swiggin down gas,an then gettin put on the roof is about as close to "High
Octane" as yer pa is gonner get! An if yer sister turns that nasty color
green after slurpin the gas-just give her a chaw of RedMan, an get outta
the way! That'll clean her out real good!
Now,
losin luggage...I know is durned irritatin. If'n yer pa just fergot um
at home...then look at the bright side! You got clean drawers when ya git
home! If'n they'se lost on yer trip...I firmly belive all lost luggage
is what makes up them rings around Saturn, so honey, they're gone fer sure!
I'm
surprised yer pa let ya stop and go in them fancy bathrooms! He always
went on past them stops becuz he kept that ol milk jug in the car! I know
them penny thangs is shiny..but the pertyist thing I've seen is Clevon(my
taxidermist),he's got the nicest glass eye-youd jest love -it's a perty
blue and really sparkles! He'll take it out so you can git a good look
at it! (it don't roll wortha flip-it's kinda flat on one side) I never
unnerstood why Clevon got that blue eye...his other eye is brown as it
can be!
Now
honey.....nobody should go without their Racin, and part of the fixin might
hafta be upta you! See,darlin...yer pa...well,he done lost alot of brain
cells slurpin up that fancy imported beer, and BBQ'ing that road kill.
So, if'n yer headed to the races-you make sure everybody pins there tickets
on their clothes, ya hear? He can lose yer drawers,make yer sister sick
an turn green,and give ya them pennys (just put em in yer pocket...and
get a few more and I'll get Clevon to send you an armadillo foot fer luck),
but don't let him lose that racin ticket(that parts up ta you)! Cause Racin
is the closest thang you'll find ta Heaven! So you pin it on yer good overalls,
ya hear? You'll be glad ya did! Just stay away from that fancy beer and
road kill d'jour, an you'll do jest fine!!
Thelma
Jean!....is that you?! Why are you even wastin my time with this?! You
knew when you married BillyJoeBob that he had no brain! We put our bird-dogs
through hoops...we don't watch city folk do it! You say you love yer NASCAR!...Well,
you best bow up and get you a backbone real quick...cause one thing Race
fans got is backbone! And it won't hurt you none to add a little bite when
you talk about racin, too! Now, BillyJoeBob got that fancy satellite dish
for all them channels, and it don't need to be wasted on Basketball. You
go on down to the K-Mart and get you another TV...put it on layaway if
ya hafta..but no one in this country should be denied their Racin! I think
it's in the Constitution somewhere.... at least it will be when we get
Petty in the Whitehouse! Maybe then somethin can be done about ABC screwin
up our racin time with them sorry commercials!
And
you tell BillyJoeBob to back off-or I'll cut his weekend shine down to
3 quarts, ya hear??
Dear
Confused,
Well
darlin, sometimes with some of them drivers it's real hard to say! Some
get real big and famous, and they just can't answer all their mail, or
keep track of all them appointments....you know,...they start leadin that
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous stuff. Others....well, they start out
lookin like a sows' ear, and it takes this whole herd of people that charge
alot of money to make them look like a silk purse! You know..they tell
you what clothes to wear, even what shoes to put on! They even get one
of them fancy beauty parlors to do their hair! Take that Gordon feller!
They cut(the fancy word is "styled") his hair - cut off that fuzzy thing
on his top lip....and plucked them eyebrows til he had two seperate ones,
instead of that one all the way across his face! Them PR places make you
look all squeaky clean and bullit proof! They create what they call and
"image". Now, that's what they want us to see-not always what really is.
Honey...I wouldn't dig any deeper than that...just love racin fer what
it is! The speed, the chase, the challenge, and the WIN....or else they
may come pluckin yer eyebrows, too!
Yes Beavis...it saddens me to say Cuzzin Cletus has done gone over to that Dark Side. I got a E-mail from Cuzzin Lester the other day tellin me Cletus is now the Prezident of that young whiney feller Jeff Gordons' Fan Club. The boy never had much sense-all them years growin up, he'd get his kicks as a boy from openin a bottle of 7-up and watchin it fizz! When he got old enuff to drive the truck, all he'd ever do on Saturday nights wuz go downtown to watch the A&P truck unload! Then he started drinkin, an got in trouble with the law when he told the Sheriff to hold his beer while he looked for his drivers license! I'm tellin you-he ain't even 3 bricks short of a load....he's only GOT 3 bricks...ferget the load! I ain't wastin my tar or feathers on him. He's so turned around he don't know wether to scratch is watch, or wind his butt....Gordon Deserves Him!!
Dear
Broke,
Bless
yore heart honey, you got a problem! If ya cain't tie her up on race day
and leave her under the porch with the dawgs,then ya don't haveta sit wither
on race day! Send her to sit on the other side of the track, that way you
can leave without her if she don't move her butt fast enuff! And as fer
lookin like that Winston gal, don't go paying them high cost prices for
that particular look. Make sure she shops at the discount fabric and clearance
stores where they got a big selection of them "Shot the Sofa" fabrics.And
as fer all that hairspray honey, ... got a match??
