Executive Summary

Some may be wondering why President Clinton has requested my help with his predicament.  First of all, I am just an ordinary citizen of the United States and second, those of you who know me probably realize that I tend to align myself with the Republican Party.  Mr. Clinton has decided that these would be excellent attributes for someone to present a "common man's" point of view about the whole situation.  He's realized that I am a rational person who can understand his dilemma and provide a concise, unbiased point of view.  Plus, I am a Republican minded person and wouldn't be accused of partisanship.  The President feels I can provide an excellent alternative to the high-minded legal rebuttal provided by his team of lawyers.  I only hope that I meet the President's expectations, because there is trouble if I don't.  Bill stopped by earlier this evening to pick up Josette for their date.  As they were leaving, he said something about, "making it good or he'll spill the beans about my connections with Gorbachev, Gorgon and Pat Sajak".  I replied that that was old news, but he said the details would be news to the American public.  Good point.
 

Preliminary Memorandum Concerning Referral of Office of Independent Council

This document is intended to be a preliminary response to the Referral submitted by the Office of Independent Counsel to The Congress.  Now, many of you may have forgotten, but about a year ago (April 14, 1997 to be precise), President Clinton had his semi-annual checkup at Bethesda Hospital in Maryland.  It was noted during this through physical that the President's hearing had deteriorated noticeably since his last screening.  Mr. Clinton's hearing was so poor, that the only solution was to place hearing aids in both ears.  The President consented and within 24 hours found himself fitted with two hearing aids manufactured by the Jones Corporation of California.

Unfortunately, the rapid manufacture of these custom-made hearing aids appears to have lead to some defects in the complex mechanisms.  Mr. Clinton tried to have them returned, but found the Jones Corporation had gone out of business.  The President thought about just buying a new pair, but then thought better of it.  He knew he would catch Holy Hell from Hillary because the darn things are expensive and she would rather use the money to buy her disguises and play bingo at the Bingo Emporium.  Hillary's gambling habits had spiraled out of control lately, but the President had little control over her or the situation.

As a result, he lived (and still lives) with severely impaired hearing.  In fact, when he was brought in for the January 17th Civil Deposition in the Paula Jones case, he had a particularly hard time hearing some of the questions.  President Clinton believes this might be the key point in time when all of this "little misunderstanding" occurred.  According to court documents, the Jones lawyer asked Mr. Clinton if he had "...ever had sexual relations of any kind with Monica Lewinsky."

What Mr. Clinton believed he heard was, "Have you ever had sexual relations of any kind over Hanukah with Lewinsky."  The President thought this was somewhat of an odd question because first of all--he wasn't even Jewish.  He had no idea why they thought he might be spending a holiday (that he didn't even celebrate) with Ms. Lewinsky.  But, he was resigned to the fact that at the deposition the lawyers may ask any question they wish, so he just said no.

This is the point where things appear to have gotten out of hand and the President would now like to set things straight with the American people.  The main point he wishes to get across is that he still stands by his statement that he never ever spent Hanukah with that woman--Ms. Lewinsky.  Now that he's learned that the real question was did he ever have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, he'd like to make things clear.  He made the following statement to me:

"...sex with Monica Lewinsky??!  Oh!!!  I understand what all this is about now!  Sorry, I misunderstood the question.  Yes, of course I had sex with Monica.  Numerous times in fact--at least ten that I can recall.  Most of the time, it consisted of oral sex or mutual masturbation of some sort.  Kind of helped ease the pressures of the job--made the time at work go by a little faster.  Now I realize that it may have been wrong and I apologize.  At this point, I would also like to state for the record that I am not Jewish."

Conclusion