Frank and the Chili Cook-off

Texas Chili Cook-off

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time that the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

Notes from an inexperienced tester named Frank, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast.

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told
me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event.


#1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
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JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


#2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
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JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I am not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


#3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN-DOWN-THE-BARN CHILI
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JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now --- get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
crap-faced from all the beer.


#4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC CHILI
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JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn-out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


#5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER CHILI
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JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers, freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using freshly ground beef, could use more tomato. Must admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


FRANK: Sweet Jesus! What are these people trying to do to me? My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


#6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY CHILI
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JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted, and I am worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that woman, Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!


#7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
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JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about JUDGE #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a darn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed through the holes in my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my darn shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


#8 BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN' ASS CHILI
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JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when JUDGE #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili cook-off?

"Those Texans are crazy bizatches. Bizatch"
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