Citizens a-ray-est! Citizens a-ray-est!
This isn't a rant or anything, but I have been reading a list of stupid law in various states and municipalities around this great nation of ours. Some are just downright hilarious. Some are so stupid that I find it hard to believe that they are true. (Maybe they aren't. You can't exactly believe everything you read on the web. Or read in your local newspaper. Or hear on the nightly news.) It is possible that they are still on the books and no one in power realizes it or cares to enforce them. There are laws in different jurisdictions that regulate when, how often and with what a man may beat his wife, prohibit whaling in several land-locked states, and ban certain numbers of women from living in the same building (because that would constitute a brothel). Here are some of my favorites:
State of Alabama: Incestuous marriages are legal. (I knew it!)
State of Alaska: It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. (It's just plain mean.)
State of Arizona: You may not have more than two dildos in a house. (One regular white one and one large black one.)
Glendale, AZ: Cars may not be driven in reverse. (I guess everyone in Glendale has a circular driveway.)
Mohave County, AZ: A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. (Maybe they should make the thief bend over in the prison shower to pick it up.)
Tucson, AZ: Women may not wear pants. (Now there's my kind of law!)
State of Arkansas: The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. (Who do they arrest if it does, God?)
Hollywood, CA: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. (But thousands of sheep lining the street to watch stupid celebrities enter an auditorium for an awards show is okay.)
Pacific Grove, CA: Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. (And an explanation of just how it is done.)
San Francisco, CA: Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street. (Uh-oh, I'm going to San Francisco at the end of the month. I'd better bring a paper sack.)
Denver, CO: It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. (Stupid Flanders!))
New Britain, CT: It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire. ("Yes ma'am, we'll be at to your house immediately...er, well eventually.")
State of Florida: You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. (Fart all you want Friday through Wednesday.)
State of Florida: Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (And just plain stupid if you ask me.)
Jonesboro, GA: It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy". (I'm not sure if this means to express surprise or to call a black person.)
Quitman, GA: It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road. (Well there goes that joke.)
State of Illinois: The English language is not to be spoken. (Willkommen zu Illinois!)
Chicago, IL: Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. (However fire eaters are exempt.)
Chicago, IL: It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck. (No matter how much more effective it might be.)
Champaign, IL: One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth. (Isn't that one of the ten commandments?)
Fairfield, IL: It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundaries from sundown to sunrise. (Fairfield: The whitest town in Illinois)
State of Indiana: The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. [Since repealed] (This is my absolute favorite.)
State of Indiana: A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. ("Katie, please put your socks back on or Daddy will go to prison.")
State of Indiana: Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. (Indiana, the stinkiest state in the U.S.A.!)
Fort Wayne, IN: You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It's In the Book". (I hate that song and everyone else should too!)
Fort Madison, IA: The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. ("Yes ma'am, give us about fifteen minutes and we'll be right over.")
Wichita, KS: Before proceeding through the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehicle and fire three shotgun rounds into the air. (You can get an apartments on the corner of Douglas and Broadway really cheap.)
State of Maine: Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack. ("Kids, come downstairs right now! It's time for church! And don't forget your Winchesters!)
State of Massachusetts: Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal. (Who needs Communists when you have Northeastern Democrats?)
State of Massachusetts: At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. (And drink no more than two juice boxes.)
North Andover, MA: An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns. (Take that, Emperor Zurg!)
Harper Woods, MN: It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets. (And it's also illegal to glue antlers on a weasel and sell it as a reindeer.)
Excelsior Springs, MO: Worrying squirrels is not tolerated. (Upsetting chipmunks is also frowned upon.)
Kansas City, MO: Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. (You'll shoot your eye out, kid.)
State of Montana: Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. [Since repealed] (And eleven or more Brazilians are considered a soccer team and it is legal to shoot past their goalkeeper.)
Clark County, NV: An ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time. (It sounds like a riddle.)
State of New Jersey: It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon. (This may have been overturned as part of the Patriot Act.)
State of New York: The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (Don't you go and kill yourself or so help me I'll kill you.)
Staten Island, NY: It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior." (I believe "fairy" and "Nancy boy" are acceptable.)
Hornytown, NC: Massage parlors have been banned. (Get it? Hornytown?)
Fargo, ND: One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place. (It's just plain dangerous.)
Lima, OH: Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold. (Maps of Europe and Asia must be smuggled in under cover of darkness.)
Oxford, OH: It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. (She should be standing in front of the man himself!)
Strongsville, OH: Catch 22 is banned. (Also banned are "Lady Chatterley's Lover", "Huckleberry Finn" and "Poky Little Puppy".)
Ada, OK: If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail. ("This here is a Dallas Cowboys town, boy.")
Clinton, OK: Molesting an automobile is illegal. (And pointless.)
Tulsa, OK: You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. (Sounds like an engineers' union thing.)
State of Oregon: Dishes must drip dry. (And you must dry after bathing by spinning around really fast.)
State of Pennsylvania: Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue. (I once lived in Pennsylvania and I never did this. Well, not every mile anyway.)
State of Pennsylvania: Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes. (Kinda makes you want to drive a team of nervous horses through Center City Philadelphia just to see what happens, doesn't it?)
State of Rhode Island: It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley. (However throwing bags of urine on a trolley is acceptable.)
State of South Carolina: All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis Willard Day. (In case you are wondering, Francis Willard was a suffragette who helped found the Women's Christian Temperance Union. And she later became a socialist.)
Charleston, SC: The Fire Department may blow up your house. This law was made so that the fire department could create a fire break. (In 1985, the Philadelphia police used to be allowed to do the same thing.)
Memphis, TN: It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises. (Customer: "Miss, can I get a box for the rest of this pie?" Undercover cop posing as a waitress: "Alright, put your hands on your head and move nice and slow!")
Oneida, TN: An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'." (Not because of the lyrics, but because it is a very difficult song to sing and the people of Oneida are notoriously tone deaf.)
State of Texas: It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (I guess Hank Hill and pals are in trouble.)
State of Texas: A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. ("Dear Mr. Robinson, I intend to steal your stereo Thursday night so I can play my Barry Manilow CD's. Sincerely, Luther Jackson.")
Salt Lake City, UT: No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin. (And your timpani must be on a leash at all times.)
Richmond, VA: It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee. (As everyone knows, the proper way of determining this is "Eenie Meanie Miney Moe".)
State of Washington: It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich. (However, you may pretend that they are astronauts.)
Auburn, WA: Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. (So fellas, you better be sure you marry a slut.)
State of Wisconsin: State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese. (I'm pretty sure it's illegal to serve any food in Wisconsin without cheese.)
State of Wyoming: You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June. (However, pencil sketches are satisfactory.)