You're hooked now, aren't you?
Now, the events of the past Labor Day weekend and its aftermath have disturbed me greatly. I came home from seeing the Squirrel Nut Zippers in concert (and you should too) that Saturday night to find out the Diana, Princess of Wales had died in an auto accident. I watched the news for a little while to find out the details and then went to bed. Alone. Again. Oh, I'm so lonely. Help me! Err, uhh, sorry. So anyway, I expected to see a bit more on the news the next morning, but holy cow! It was non-stop Princess Dianathon for better than a week. Now, maybe I'm wrong here, but did Lady Di develop a cure for cancer? Did the former Her Royal Highness win a war? Did "The People's Princess" discover a new planet? Did she do anything? Why yes. She married someone. Wow! She had two kids. Ooh! Okay, granted she married the future king of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and gave birth to his successor. And after divorcing the Prince of Wales, she traveled the world pointing out things she thought were bad. So? Later that week, Mother Teresa died. She was a woman who actually did something, who actually made a difference. There was much mourning by people in India, Catholics around the world and the poor and downtrodden everywhere. But nothing near the outpouring of grief over the Tabloid Princess. And get off the backs of the damn photographers. If you didn't buy the National Enquirer and People magazine, they wouldn't have been there. Do not misunderstand. I am sorry she died. It is a tragedy when any young mother dies before her time. I just don't think it is the greatest tragedy the world has ever seen.
Which brings me to my "these things always come in threes" theory. Heaven is like a ride at a theme park. Now most of us have to queue up in a long line after we die. You see, each car on the ride only seats three, so it can be quite a wait. But, if you are famous, you get to ride in a special car. No lines. No waiting. However, so that the ride isn't held up for everyone, God must have three of the special riders ready to go quickly. So when Princess Diana and Mother Teresa died, God needed another rider. He picked Burgess Meredith. It could have been anyone, really. Ernest Borgnine. Dionne Warwick. Pele. I know many Philadelphians thought the third was Richie Ashburn. Although Whitey was a Phillies great, I don't think he got in the car with the princess and the nun. Maybe he got to cut in the front of the regular line. I hope so.
And another thing ...
Random thoughts:
I got a call from the Gallup people this evening. The woman asked lots of questions, including some about political party affiliation, job title, annual income and religious preference. Preference? Did she mean who would I root for in a fight, a rabbi or a preacher? Who would I bet on in a race, a shaman or a nun? I felt like she was asking me in which shiny box I prefer my God.
Senator Joe Biden, shame on you. (As if he's reading this.) I hope Trent Lott and Jesse Helms corner you in the hall and just beat the living crap out of you for your comments at your little show for the press in support of William Weld for U.S. ambassador to Mexico. Senator Glenn, you're next. Your shameless excuse-making for all the Democratic fundraising crimes is just sad. And what happened to Rep. Henry Waxman as a child that his nostrils are so large? No wonder he's on such an anti-smoking crusade. He can inhale more second-hand smoke than three normal humans.
I wonder how many of the good Southern Baptists here in Tennessee who are boycotting Disney will be watching the Tennessee Volunteers on ESPN and ABC this season? Can you say hypocrite? They have all the right in the world to boycott whomever they want, but Disney? They are boycotting a company that has been quite possibly the greatest name in family entertainment for the better part of this century. Why? Because they don't like a couple of Disney policies and products they feel are not pro-family. I'm thinking the Southern Baptists would have been against the polio vaccine because the needle hurts. Hmm. Baby or bath water. Nose or face. Mickey or Ellen.
Speaking of Ellen, she won an Emmy for her "coming out" episode last season. I just don't understand some people having such hatred of homosexuals. I personally believe that homosexuals are born, not bred. Well, that is with the possible exception of a certain percentage of the prison population. Who would make a decision to be gay? I mean, I can imagine no situation where I would have sex with a man. (Unfortunately, I'm beginning to find it difficult to imagine having sex with a woman.) I find the whole gay thing as disgusting as most people. However, if Trevor and Kyle want to play butt pirate, why is this my business? It's not like they're going to be recruiting people. They will always be a small percentage of the population. They cannot reproduce. And besides, there are millions of good old-fashioned heterosexuals who are just as sinfully promiscuous as they perceive the average queer to be. (Don't worry. I think they like that term.) And lastly, let's eliminate the term homophobia. I don't really think anyone is actually afraid of a gay person. Unless a 6' 8", 270 lb. drag queen hears you call him a fag. Then be afraid. Be very afraid.
And another thing ...