It's not the size of your web site that counts. It's what you do with it.
I'm beginning to think the Clinton administration has absolutely nothing to do with its time. Just when you thought it was safe to watch the morning shows, up jumps Mrs. Clinton (remember her?) yakking about the "silent crisis" of child care. The First Lady, who had been in hiding almost as long as Salman Rushdie, returns in an attempt to once again take governmental control of her subjects' lives. You see, we hapless Americans apparently cannot find day care for our children. It is clear that the only logical solution is federally run child care centers. Governmental meddling always makes things better. Thank God we have a caring, compassionate woman like Queen Hillary at the helm to see us through these difficult times. I only wish she would address some of the other crises facing our troubled nation. For example, the Tastykake crisis. I can't go to my local grocer and buy Tastykake pies. The Department of Commerce should require that Tastykake pies be available at all grocery stores across the U.S.A. Even better yet, there should be federal grocery stores. Our benevolent government could ensure that there is always enough bread and milk for all of the idiots in Nashville who run to the store and buy these things whenever the word "snow" is mentioned in a weather forecast. How about a federal pet entitlement. Haven't there been tests that show that people who have pets live longer or are happier or something? Well, some people can't afford pets. I envision a program from the Department of Health and Human Services that will not only give you a free pet, but also hand out some money for its upkeep. If your pet dies, you can just take it to a local government pet exchange center for a new one. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
And another thing ...
At least we don't have to worry about the weather anymore. Captain Planet (aka Albert Gore, Jr.) has finally declared war on El Niņo. It's all part of his plan to halt the destruction of the earth by greedy corporate fat cats and extremist right-wing Republicans. Let me clue you in on something. THERE IS NO GLOBAL WARMING! At least none that we are causing. Isn't it conceivable that global weather patterns and temperature fluctuations are natural? Did the last ice age occur because humans hadn't invented aerosol cans yet? I don't think God would have created a world that we could screw up so easily. How arrogant the human animal is to think that the climate should remain the same as long as he lives and if it does not that it is because of him. I'm tired of this notion that we live on such a fragile planet. The trouble is that children all over the world have already been indoctrinated in this environmentalism crap. It won't be long before they'll be running the world. Then say goodbye to your gasoline powered car and hello to your new electric car. Sure it can't go as far or as fast, but you'll be saving the earth. You can drive your electric car to the government recycling center, because you will be required to recycle everything you use. Sure it will be inconvenient, but you'll be saving the earth. Those products that you will be buying will also be made from recycled material. Sure they will cost you more, but you'll be saving the earth. Excuse me, I've got to go. I feel like hugging a tree.
And another thing ...
Speaking of children (and isn't the Clinton administration always talking about the children?), I think it's about time we stop trying to gear everything in our society to kids. Professional busybodies try to get Howard Stern off the air because he spanks strippers and talks about his small penis. They are worried that kids might listen to his morning radio show. Tip to parents: Don't let the kids listen! Concerned citizens want NYPD Blue dropped from the ABC lineup because they might show someone's bare buttocks. They are bothered that kids might tune in and see Dennis Franz's big, hairy white ass. (Well, actually, that should frighten us all.) Tip to parents: Don't let the kids watch! I'm all for wholesome family entertainment, but I don't want 24 hour Disney on every channel. I'm an adult. From time to time, I enjoy entertainment aimed at an adult audience. No, I'm not suggesting NBC Sunday Night at the Porno Movies. But I think I can handle the occasional off-color remark or exposed body part. Don't take Junior to see the movie "Sirens." Don't tell me I can't see it. (Confidentially, I wish I hadn't seen it. It wasn't very good. And worse yet, I saw it on the Bravo cable network and they didn't even show any of the nudity, including that of the lovely and not very talented Elle MacPherson.)
While I'm on the subject, here are some television shows I
would like the networks to consider:
Topless Friends - It would be the same show, but topless. Enough said.
Jeopardy To The Death - The purpose of this show would be two-fold.
First, the sheer entertainment value of people competing as if their lives depend on it.
Second, the contestants would be average citizens, so we could thin the herd of the stupid
people.
Touched By Ellen - Ellen DeGeneres plays a lesbian angel. I probably
wouldn't watch this show, but I'd just like to see all the Southern Baptists' heads spin.
Mr. Springer's Neighborhood - Just imagine the Land of Make Believe
inhabited by Nazi skinheads, transsexuals and trailer park bigamists. Can you say
"the decline of Western culture" boys and girls?
And another thing ...