So you say you want to end it all but you just don't know the best way to do it? Well, you've come to the right place. The following is my Guide to the Best and Worst Ways to Commit Suicide.

Jumping off of a tall building (Extreme deceleration trauma) : B+
Effectiveness - A : The taller the building, the greater your chances of success.
Pain - A- : Likely to be painless if maximum velocity is achieved.
Glamour - A : This one will get you on the 6:00 news.
Messiness - B : They say you don't really explode upon impact. Still, it's got to be pretty disgusting.
The "Uh-oh" factor - C- : You've got the whole way down to reflect.

Hanging : B
Effectiveness - B+ : Pretty effective. Just ask Michael Hutchence. (The late lead singer of INXS)
Pain - B- : Well, I guess you could get rope burn. If you do a drop and snap your neck, pain should be minimal.
Glamour - C : Only noteworthy if you are famous. Just ask Michael Hutchence.
Messiness - A: Maybe a tipped over chair. Annoying only to the most anal retentive losers.
The "Uh-oh" factor - B : Again, with a good drop, it's over quickly. If asphyxiation is your game, you'll have a couple of minutes to think about it.

Bullet in the brain : B
Effectiveness - A- : There's always the chance you could miss the important parts and live as a cripple. A shotgun in the mouth would really do the trick.
Pain - B : Gonna hurt like hell, but only for a split second. Obviously some pain if you don't go immediately.
Glamour - A : A good splatter will get some attention.
Messiness - F: This one's not going to be pretty.
The "Uh-oh" factor - A : After the trigger is pulled, there's no turning back.

Drowning : C+
Effectiveness - B- : You can be resuscitated. Best to use the good old "cement overshoes" to lessen the chance of some hero coming to the rescue.
Pain - B : I'm not sure how much pain is involved in drowning.
Glamour - C+ : Only if discovered in a public waterway or fountain.
Messiness - A : A water death should be nice and clean. Points off for a bloated body.
The "Uh-oh" factor - C : The natural tendency is to hold your breath until the end. Even after taking a big breathful of water, it's probably going to be a while before you're brain dead.

Sleeping pills : C+
Effectiveness - C- : You would have to take a whole lot of pills and someone could still find you and rush you to the hospital to have your stomach pumped.
Pain - A : You fall asleep. Sounds pretty painless to me.
Glamour - C : Too passive. This is not the way to go if you are seeking that last bit of attention.
Messiness - A+ : You swallow all the tools.
The "Uh-oh" factor - D : It probably takes a good while for the pills to work. Plenty of time to regret your decision and seek help.

Poison : C+
Effectiveness - C+ : It would all depend on the poison. Weed killer is good. Windex is bad.
Pain - D : It looks just awful in the movies.
Glamour - B : Poison has certain romantic appeal. It worked for Romeo.
Messiness - B+ : Regurgitation?
The "Uh-oh" factor - C+ : Dependent on toxicity. Windex could take an eternity.

Exhaust hose in a sealed car : C-
Effectiveness - C- : I just thing that this is too iffy.
Pain - B : Car exhaust gives me a wicked headache.
Glamour - D : The perfect suburban suicide.
Messiness - B : Tough to get that smell out of the car's upholstery.
The "Uh-oh" factor - F : Must take damn near forever.

Slitting the wrists : D+
Effectiveness - B- : This can work if you do it properly. If not, you're a kook in the mental ward with scars on his wrists.
Pain - D : It's got to hurt.
Glamour - D : It's been done to death, so to speak. This way is sort of sad and pathetic. Not recommended.
Messiness - D+ : Blood everywhere. Tough to get blood stains out of the carpet.
The "Uh-oh" factor - C : However long it takes to lose enough blood and become unconscious.

Other ends:
Parking the car across the railroad tracks (good for those with a flair for the dramatic); decapitation (who has a home guillotine?); urinating on an electrified fence (just plain funny); yelling "Niggers!" in the middle of Watts (only works for Caucasians); divorcing O.J. Simpson (allegedly)

Take me back! or Gahead!