Many people don't know how to respond or react to someone who has lost someone dear to them. As children, we learn things from watching adults around us. As adults, we learn things from interacting with society. Believe me, almost everything you "know" about how to interact with someone who's suffered a loss is wrong. What I'm about to say comes from my own personal experience of people approaching me and how I reacted to what they said.
How you should interact with someone who is grieving depends on the intimacy of your relationship with that person, how much time you spend with them, and how that person views you! For example, we all have very close friends or family members that we're very intimate with and love very much, but we may spend much less time with them than we do with someone we work with. I know that I come into contact more frequently and spend more time with a few of my coworkers than I do with some of my best friends. I also mentioned "how that person views you". You may think of someone as a casual acquaintance, but he or she may view you a little differently. He/she may look up to you or greatly value your input. During a time of crisis, when someone is searching for help, they may desperately try to seek it from people they normally wouldn't turn to. The person grieving may turn to a compassionate coworker who is viewed as a nurturing, caring person, even though their relationship wouldn't normally consist of such interactions. How you react will have profound effects.
Regardless of whether your interaction with the person is casual or intimate, there are a few universal things you should be aware of. There are things that you should do, and things that you shouldn't do. I'll go over them and explain why.
 | "How are you?", "How are you doing?", "How are you holding up?" |
Let me save you the trouble right here before you ask any of those questions. "How are you?" Awful! Terrible! Devastated! "How are you holding up?" Barely! Not at all! I don't know! By a thread!
Whether you ask those questions three days after the loss, or three months, that person has just lost someone that filled a very important part of his life. He is physically, emotionally, and mentally hurting right now. His life has been shattered, he is confused, unsure of the future (Hell, he can't even see a future!), and just hanging on by a thread. But every instinct in our body screams at us to ask someone how they're doing. Not only is it something that, as a close friend/relative, you'll want to know, but it's also treated as a greeting more often then not. How many times have passed someone you knew casually and said "Hi! How are you doing?" as you continue walking past. It's so often used as a rhetorical question, you don't even wait around for an answer.
When you specifically ask someone how they're doing, you're asking the person to either confide in you their true emotions, or lie. Most people don't like to respond to the question with "I'm doing awful. I can barely get through life." Picture yourself answering with that response and you'll see what I mean. Because it's used so much as a greeting, we want to answer the question "I'm OK.". But that would be a lie. It would make the griever consciously lie about the fact and subconsciously deny that they had strong feelings over the person who died. The griever doesn't want to tell people he's OK because it would be implying that their relationship wasn't deep or important enough to grieve. So don't even bother asking someone who's grieving "How are you?" or "How are you holding up?". You already know the answer because you read it here, and you're only adding pain onto the seemingly limitless pain they already feel.
| "Is there anything I could do?" and other questions |
No, there isn't. At least not yet. Could you bring back the person who died? No. Could you remove the sadness in their heart? No. Not only is there very little you can do (actually, there's quite a lot you could do, but I'll cover those in the next section), but you're forcing the person grieving to stop and try to think about what it is that you could do! People asked that of me, and I honestly didn't know. My life was just destroyed! How the hell was I supposed to know what someone else could do? I had no fuckin' idea! Yet there I was, trying to think of something for someone to do, until I would finally say something noncomittal like "Thank you so much, but I have so many friends helping me, I can't think of anything." If the loss happened recently, the person grieving is in a state of crisis, so be very careful about asking any kind of question. You're not only asking a question, but you're asking that person to try make a decision on something at a moment when it's impossible for them to make any decision.
| "I know how you must feel" and other sympathetic remarks. |
No, you don't. Is there anybody else in the world exactly like you? Exactly like the person you love? There is nobody else in the world exactly like the person grieving or the person they lost, and likewise, there is no other relationship in the world that is just like theirs. You have no idea of what they're feeling.
| Making promises you cannot keep. |
I've found people would say "I'll call you.", but I would never hear from them. I was in a moment of crisis. I was actually looking forward to those people calling me. I was waiting for them to call me. And the longer these "friends" didn't call, the more lonely I felt. So if you want to make a promise to someone, only do so if you can keep it. If you say "I'll call you in a couple days", you better call back in two days. If you say you're going to come over so you two can talk, you better come over.
| Sensitive, caring remarks. |
"At least he's not in pain any more", "At least he died happy.", "At least it was quick", "At least you had a lot of time together", "At least you have other children", "You'll fall in love and find someone else soon.". These are all remarks that, while true, avoid one simple thing..... they don't address the fact that the person you're talking to is in pain! That person is grieving the loss of someone close to them. They don't want to replace him/her with a new love, or consider themselves lucky that they had a long time together, or forget their one child because they have others or could have more, or are consoled by the fact that the death was painless/quick. The person they need is gone! None of those remarks will change that or make them feel better, and many of those remarks will make someone feel worse. When someone told me "At least you two were together for such a long time.", all it did was make me feel even worse.
| Suggesting courses of action. |
Someone suggested to me, "Try doing some of the normal everyday things you used to do to help you get back in the swing of things." There's one problem though... those things weren't "normal" anymore. Most things I did outside of work included my partner. Every time I tried to do one of those things, his absence was even more profound. Be very careful suggesting a course of action for your friend. You can do things like recommend he go to a grief counselor (even try to help him find one), see his doctor, or other practical actions, but think twice before recommending things you may think are therapeutic. One of the hardest things about suffering a loss like this is that an unbelievable amount of change is dumped on you. Everything in your life has now changed. Suggesting to someone that they add more change into their life by taking courses, taking up a new hobby, or engaging in new and unfamiliar activities can overwhelm him and make things worse.
| Time Heals all wounds |
Not really. Time doesn't heal wounds. Only your own actions will "heal" the wounds. Time only lets you get used to the pain. Everyone who's grieving doesn't want to be told that everything's going to be better if they just wait around and get magically healed. We don't believe it, so don't say it to us.
There are many many things you can do that will help ease a person who's grieving. What you do though depends upon your level of intimacy with the person and the amount of time you spend with them. What you do as a close friend or family member will be drastically different than what you will do as a coworker or neighbor.
| Acknowledge the loss. This is very important. Nobody wants to feel that their love for someone should be ignored, or the fact that they're in pain should be ignored. Using what I recommended not to do above, you can greet the person in one of several ways. "Hello. I'm so sorry about your loss. It must be very painful/difficult/hard for you right now. You have my deepest sympathies." This acknowledges both the person's grief and his/her feelings for their partner. |
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Be sincere. In anything that you say and do, be very sincere. It's recognized and appreciated. |
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Be understanding of emotional displays. If you're a coworker, understand that that person is hurting very bad, and you may be subject to a display of emotion. If the person starts to get weepy eyed or cries, it's acceptable to simply ask him "It's OK to feel emotion. Would you like me to leave or would you like me to stay with you?" Regardless of what they say, you're acknowledging that they have a right to feel grief for their loss. |
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If you're in a supervisory position over the person feeling the grief, use discretion in what kind of assignments you give them. Be prepared to have someone else handle some of the person's workload. That person's life was just destroyed, and nobody should be expected to operate at 100% efficiency for quite a long time. If the work a person does requires a lot of concentration and organizational skills, you may want to give them some things that they can feel productive with, but not have to feel frustrated over because they can't do it. I'll give my own example here.... I do great with computers, but I'm not very good when it comes to filing and organizing papers. One of my responsibilities is getting requests for new purchases, acquiring the quotes, documenting the request, getting approval for the purchase, and finally sending the completed paperwork to the vendor. I'm not very good with it, and I was lousy when I came back and tried to do it again. I gave it to my boss and told her that I simply couldn't do it at this point. Instead, I concentrated on upgrading and configuring some of the computers. I was able to do that alone and didn't have to walk around and come in contact with a lot of people who were uncomfortable around me because they didn't know what to say. So if you're the boss, keep those things in mind. Your worker is going to be forgetful, sullen, and depressed. Their personality will be drastically different. Give your worker different assignments that they could handle and not get frustrated over because it's too difficult for them in their current state of mind. |
You've got a lot of work to do ahead of you. Someone you love is hurting right now ,and they really need you to help them through this. It will take a VERY long time, and will require a commitment from you. If you're not ready to do this, you may very well lose your friendship with this person. Your friend, whether he/she says it or not, is hoping that his friends will be there for him. If you're not, it may have a profound impact on your relationship with him.
| Call or visit your friend frequently. Call and say "I called to see if you wanted to just chat for a while or talk. If you're not up for talking, I can call back later or in a day or two." Leave it up to your friend as to what they want to talk about, or if they want to talk at all. LISTEN! And remember the first thing I said at the top of the page about "How are you?" |
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Don't distract your friend. Many people feel that the person grieving should be distracted and should forget about his or her loss. Distracting the person only puts off the grief until later in the evening when the house is empty or he has to go back to an empty bed. Everything you've put off will come back to that person later when he's alone... all you've done is kept your friend from discussing his grief with you. And he needs to talk it over with people that are close to him. |
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Spend time with your friend/Move in. If your friend lived alone with the person who passed away, he or she is VERY alone and lonely right now. The house is empty. If you can afford to have some sleepovers or move in for a while (with your friend's permission of course), it would really help him. When I say "friend", I also refer to family members like brothers or sisters. Maybe it's feasible to move in for a little while, maybe not. But in any case, make it a point to spend some time with your friend. He really needs company right now. |
| Offer to help with some things. When my partner died, I was devastated. Adding onto that was the fact that he handled all of our finances. I had no idea where the bills where, where important paperwork was, what we owed, etc. My sister-in-law came over and helped me organize everything. I now have a handle on all of the finances. Everything is filed and I'm in at least partial control. If your friend is in a similar situation, offer to help them. If necessary, take them out to OfficeMax or something and buy them the folders, organizers, and office supplies to organize everything. You can spend only between $50-$75, and still get enough stuff to help them organize everything. Don't be afraid to spend a little money on your friend (but not so much to make them uncomfortable). They will probably be very worried money at that time. Funerals are expensive, life insurance can take a long time to come in, and their loved one may have contributed a significant amount to their family income. They may shy away from spending money unless absolutely necessary. If they don't need that kind of help, consider food! Bring over meals. Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do in the world was cook dinner. Before, I would cook dinner for the two of us, and we made it a habit of sitting together to eat dinner and talk about our day. The thought of cooking dinner for just myself was unbearable. Someone cooking dinner for me and bringing me food was incredible and eased a LOT of pain! So use your imagination. Anything you can do to help your friend will let him put more energy into healing, which is what he really needs to do. |