The only known photo from D and K's first meetings, circa 1976, when their parents negotiated their eventual marriage. K's dowry consisted of the three piglets (Jasper, Sansabelt, and Mr. Coldcuts, now deceased) a pair of mules, and a pound of mustardseed, but the flatbed trailer has to be returned no later than January 1, 2002.

It would be fascinating to calculate the probability that a molecule of water present in something pictured here was present in Abraham Lincoln's body on the day he was assassinated.

A typical view from the front porch before we put up the 'no soliciting' sign.

"Bad toad! Bad toad!" I yelled. "You know we're rationing sugar for the war!" But as I always do, I softened, and we were cuddling within minutes.

The best research on Loch Ness has established that the quantity of plankton there is only sufficient to support a small pleisiosaur, but no whales. Here we see the infamous surgeon's photo, which was recently debunked as a toy submarine attached to a piece of wood fashioned into the shape of a whale.

When the neighbors entertain, nothing drowns out their party noise quite like a jackhammer crew.

Transcription of Pond Number 3, what has come to be known as the "Method Gathering" paean. The touching last lines, wrongly interpreted for almost a century, recall the best of Naismith.

The original mock-up of the tunnel from D's kennel to the house, overruled in favor of a cheaper, more flexible chicken wire design.

We had trusted the housekeeper until the the images from the surveillance camera revealed her perverted congress with Aunt Rhody and Country Bear.

We had all felt the bump that forced the truck off the road, but what Uncle Terry dislodged from the rear suspension surprised everyone. Even Granny.

An excerpt from K's surprise testimony in a recent high-profile beef defamation lawsuit. Never mind the poor resolution -- it is way, way over your head.

We called for the regular in-home jerky maker, but the salesman was so charming, we ended up with the industrial size model. Only 19 easy monthly installments to go!

This is the family-friendly way of representing the concentration of D's chicken pox blisters. Note how even the Dakotas were not spared.

If it can be built out of antlers, it's probably in our living room.

It took 17 years, but K finally mastered Activision Hockey for the Atari 2600. Her next project: a truly satisfying and nutritious milk substitute.

The boys from the Jiffy Lube couldn't stop talking about the roomy interior of our Geo.

This is a live feed from the Discovery Channel, where Shark Week is underway . . . again. Little is known about these mysterious creatures, except that they feed mostly on chum fed to them by documentary crews.

D's mother and sisters regularly earned extra cash by working as stunt doubles for Cindy, Jan, Marsha, Peter, and Mrs. Brady.

Even as he went in to the details of the gravy recipe I had requested, I couldn't take my eyes off that chin.

This is a neighbor kid who always manages to show up when we unpack groceries. Our rule for her: if you can juggle it, you can eat it.

The "edible walkie-talkie" was one of D's few toys during his sad, deprived childhood.

Weekly, K is astonished at the deft manner in which Jessica Lansbury can wrap up even the most inscrutable murder mystery.

A touching letter sent to D's family. The exact wording is "This plump n' precious seedless spiral coffee grade A Washington grown cheese dinner with all the trimmings makes a most glorious gift." Which, of course, it does.

The anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse, the guide, the guardian of my heart, and soul of all my moral being. -Wordsworth

The Pioneer Woman (w/pioneer boy), located at the intersection of 14th and Highland in Ponca City, Oklahoma. If she were alive, she'd be one of the largest women in the world. She is the symbol of all our hopes and dreams. At night, from the proper angle, gutter-minded teens are able to interpret pioneer boy's left arm as a large male organ extending from the Pioneer Woman.

A diagram of various spots in lake Memphrémagog.

Here, K unwinds with a can of disinfectant after work.

A Domino's somewhere in Washington; non-Christians need not apply.

On their honeymoon, D and K attempt to follow their friends' cryptic advice to "give the bedsprings a workout."

It's 7:07. Batman is on the clock and the plant is on its side.

D and K weasel their way into nature.

A super secret work-in-progress? Some crap on a desk? Who cares?

Joe tends to the cows of the pasture so you won't have to.

The American Dream:^® two Pacers in the driveway.

GUNS on Highway 101 near Port Angeles, Washington. Defending your Second Amendment rights since the trailer was overhauled to make it difficult for the black UN spy copters to spot it.

Weakened by gruelling combat, hobbled almost to the point of defeat, D assumes the "Crane" position before delivering the winning kick that won him the love of K -- and the hearts of credulous movie audiences everywhere.

"Put the Bible Back into the Schools," from a KKK flyer distributed in the 1920's. A piece of the proud heritage of the contemporary Religious Right.

Inspired by Classical mythology and her first exposure to tequila, K attempts to fly to the sun with self-made waxen wings. Always sensible, she takes a hot air balloon back to earth (pictured).

D is a dedicated practitioner of the old school when it comes to dressing for work.

D and K take immense pride in their dioramas. Here, Gulliver's capture by the Lilliputians is rendered in meat.

A little learning is a dangerous thing. Take the squeeze cow back home.

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