Tootie makes no secret of her disgust for Newt Gingrich and his insipid Contract with America. She leaves her Newt doll pocked with teeth marks, smeared with cat slobber, and usually face-down on the carpet.
Tootie's Illustrated Guide to Total Obesity
Obesity is not as easily attained as masters like myself make it look. It takes dedication, perseverance, and a willingness not to go the extra mile, if you'll pardon the expression.
Surely these words have left you a sadder and wiser citizen. The squeeze cow will send you to the home page.
Click on the mysterious lake monster to return to the cats' page.
For starters, it's extremely important to eat as much as you can, as often as you can. We cats naturally tend toward several small meals over the course of the day, but your goal should be to work up to several large meals over the course of the day. And consider that how you eat can be as important as how much you eat. Large, gulping, poorly-chewed bites leave the most undigested material, hence the most bulk, and also leave your teeth the least worn for a lifetime of over-eating. One tried and true indicator of whether you're gulping fast enough is whether you emit an involuntary gasp or snort every few seconds; that sound means you're prioritizing food intake over breathing, as should any cat who aspires to total obesity.
Every totally obese cat understands that over-eating is not enough; it must be combined with a strict regimen of inactivity. Remaining sedentary allows your body to collect and store precious calories as fat, but it takes careful planning. For example, in selecting a spot in which to lie down, you need to pick a place near the litter box and the primary food source. You'd be surprised how many cats overlook this rather obvious weight-gaining technique. You also need to pick a spot where your humans are not likely to walk, since their clumsy footfalls can send you on involuntary, calorie-burning sprints. Of course, you don't want to think too hard about it, since thinking, too, can burn precious calories. Little things like this separate the merely fat from the totally obese.
Practicing these techniques day in and day out can help you reach your ultimate goal: total obesity. You'll know you're there when your head and belly bear the same relative proportions as a baseball and a basketball.
