to rants page.

A lot of my depression is due to feelings of insecurity, which is not the same thing as low self esteem. I have a very good, possibly even inflated, view of my worth as a person, my creativity, my sensitivity, my honesty... etc. etc. etc., blah, blah, blah. I know that I'm a good person, and that I am very nice and very likable.

I also know that I often come across as too direct, too brusque, too intense, and that it can be taken the wrong way, especially at first meeting. I once had a therapist tell me that I am 'a character', and that people will either love it or hate it. My response was something along the lines of 'bad taste is it's own punishment'.

Those times I have deliberately held myself back, attempted to stay 'in bounds' to avoid inflicting my energy on others have been rather disastrous. They have also led to my more recent to hold back to avoid being hurt myself (if I don't extend myself, I'm not vulnerable) - which leads to isolation, which leads to more insecurity.. you get the picture. Recently I've come to telling people that they cannot hint at me, and consciously thanking people who tell me when I've overstepped boundaries or ignored non verbal cues. It's still awkward, but at least it's an acknowledgment that my style may be difficult for others to take without apologizing for being myself.

I recently made a livejournal entry about this (or one aspect of this) which lead to a criticism of my kids... well, I asked. I didn't intend to, necessarily - I was making an observation on my own reaction to other gamers, and the fact that I really didn't know them well enough to ask if the kids were welcome to sit in on a game - I had a cameo character that would have been perfect for Abby.... was I being too pushy again? It was my own damn journal, after all, I shouldn't have to worry about whether he embarrassed himself, but he backed down very quickly, so I'm guessing he might have.

It's all about boundaries - I don't know quite where they're supposed to lie. I feel very strongly that I should be able to ask my friends anything, and trust that they will say 'no' if they mean no (or at least, if saying 'yes' is not acceptable). At the same time, I do find myself feeling relieved when someone does say no to me, and I sometime have trouble saying 'no' myself when I should.

Of course, I get annoyed at myself for those missed 'nos', not at the person asking the question... That seems to put me in a minority at times, and I know that I just don't get it. At the same time, I think that's because I just don't want it... Why would someone choose to be that way?