to rants page.

I am suffering from two, somewhat related, psychiatric disorders, both of which respond to medications, one of which responds to therapy.

That's the one I want medications for (once I have insurance again).

I have mild, chronic depression and attention deficit. It's not a good combination

The depression leads to a lack of energy. Attention deficit leads to a constant need for stimulation. Depression makes me more sensitive to negative emotions. Attention deficit means that I focus on the high stim situations - sometimes hyperfocusing on them.

Which generally means that I'm short tempered, distractible, and not terribly productive. I find it hard to do onerous chores, and easy to tune out the need to do them - beyond the usual 'last minute' deadline.

When I am on ADD meds, I can feel them clicking in (it's hard to describe what it feels like, but my brain goes into a lower gear - 'turns' slower, but with more power behind it) and clicking out (there is suddenly much more stuff out there, and the world is overwhelming - this can be dealt with, if I've been watching the clock and am prepared to for the mental 'upshift'). It is an interesting perception - going under the medication feels like a change in self, coming out of it feels like a change in the exterior world.

I don't miss ADD meds, but acknowledge that they are useful.

The mood medication is different. Perhaps in that it takes a few days to build up in my system, or to drain out of it. I am not aware of the change in my mental state, but it is obvious from the outside. I am less irritable. Less 'inward' directed. Easier to live with.

...and, in a crisis, I am less likely to make it worse by focusing on the negatives, and incapacitating myself. Or by focusing on the 'excitement' factor, and dragging myself further down into depression.

Therapy has made me more aware of the facets of my moods which I can control, but there is still a difference in, well, vulnerability to inappropriate responses, which can best be explained by a neurochemical imbalance.

Of course, there is some of the 'which leg do I move next' phenomonon involved as well. I'm bothered that I've been dropped from someone's LJ 'friends' list after a disagreement - only natural. How much time and energy is it appropriate to give to this? Some friends have a child with developmental problems, possibly autism. I want to help - only natural. Join an LJ autism list, do some reading on the web, pay extra attention to how my kids interact with this child - only natural or 'feeding the drama queen'? I don't know. I am trying to measure my actions by 'what can I do that helps them', but I feel I have to watch myself. Wanting to help is natural, but I am in danger of being drawn into the intensity of the situation, and I know full well that that won't help matters.

Taking anti depression meds does not mean never feeling down or depressed again. For me, at least, it means being able to relax and trust my emotions, rather than having to constantly give myself 'reality checks'. For my family, it means having 'mommy' just be easier to live with...

For the past two months or so (yes, that's right, no reliable insurance for the last three years) I've been taking a mixture of St. Johns Wort and Rosiola. I figured that something was better than nothing. So far, I seem to have been right.

Still, therapy would be a Good Thing^TM