Abusers leave a calling card

(1) Pushes for quick involvement:
Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone"; pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) Jealous: Excessively possessive;
calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) Controlling: Interrogates you in­tensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) Isolation:
Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) Blames others for problems or mistakes:
It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) Makes others responsible for his or her feelings:
The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am an­ gry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
(8) Hypersensitivity:
Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
(9) Cruelty to animals or children:
Kills or punishes animals. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
10) "Playful" use of force during sex:
Enjoys throwing you down or holding,you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) Verbal abuse:
Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) Rigid gender roles:
Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) Sudden mood swings:
Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) Past battering:
Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) Threats of violence:
Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or, "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.Dear Abby.com or PO. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Additional "Warning Signals"

• Physical and Sexual abuse

Suspicious bruises or other Injuries.
Rope burns or other signs of restraints.
Sudden change In behavior.
Caregiver's refusal to allow visitors.

Emotional or Psychologial abuse.

(Insults, threats, social isolation) Elder is extremely upset, withdrawn, unresponsive;other unusual behavior

Neglect

Dehydration, malnutrition,untreated bed sores, weight loss. Unattended health problems or lack of necessary aids, such as eyeglasses or dentures. Unsanitary living conditions (lice, soiled bedding). Inadequate clothing; no heat or running water.

Financial Exploitation

Unexplained bank withdrawals, unauthorized use of a credit or ATM card, or stolen or "misplaced" cards or checkbook.
Checks written as a "loan" or "gift,
Abrupt changes in a will or other documents.
Unexplained transfer of assets to a family member or someone outside the family.
Disappearance of valuables.
Ill advised investments.
Sudden appearance of a previously uninvolved relative claiming a right to an elder's affairs or possessions.

Source: National Center on Elder Abuse (www.elderabusecenter.org)
Highlights by page author

Where to Turn For Help

Domestic Abuse Helpline for men...or call: 1-888-7-Helpline or 1-888-743-5754...For someone whowill listen and offer help.

American Society of Adult Abuse Professionals and Survvors (ASSAPS)...1-414-540-6456...Groupis concerned with protecting the elderly and the Disabled of both genders.

The Federally funded NCEA in Washington D.C. has access to a vast store of information onElder Abuse. Call for "Free" brochure "15 Questions &Answers On Elder Abuse"...1-202-898-2586.

Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence created the National Clearinghouse onAbuse inin Later Life... Improve response to domestic abuse in later life by challenging existing beliefsand practices through training and consultation and the creation of new materials; and 3) Givevoice to victims and support to advocates and other professionals who work with older victims

ABUSE Learn The Basic Of Abuse...Rape And Violence...Recovering From Rape...Date RapeDrug...Elder Abuse...How To Report Suspected Child Abuse...Post-Traumatic Stress DisorderAnd Much More