When I die, I want to die like my
grandfather--who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like
the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away
from children."
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
--Drew Carey
The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there's a man on third.
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your significant
other wants to leave you, they should give
you two weeks notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have
to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim.'
--Paula Poundstone
A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say
to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God.... I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery
I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started.
Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm
enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
; --Richard Jeni
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.
--Johnny Carson
I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
--Paul Rodriguez
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law.
--Jerry Seinfeld
Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What?----- Do tall people burn
slower?
--Warren Hutcherson
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy
is the same.
--Oscar Wilde
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan.
--A. Whitney Brown!
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're
right! I never would've thought of that!
--Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad
Cow Disease' was taken.
--Unknown, presumed dead
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like
the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away
from children."
--Author
Unknown
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
--Drew Carey
The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there's a man on third.
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your significant
other wants to leave you, they should give
you two weeks notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have
to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim.'
--Paula Poundstone
A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say
to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God.... I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery
I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started.
Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm
enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
; --Richard Jeni
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.
--Johnny Carson
I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
--Paul Rodriguez
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law.
--Jerry Seinfeld
Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What?----- Do tall people burn
slower?
--Warren Hutcherson
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy
is the same.
--Oscar Wilde
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan.
--A. Whitney Brown!
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're
right! I never would've thought of that!
--Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad
Cow Disease' was taken.
--Unknown, presumed dead
