Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they
are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and
challenges, but eventually you find
a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when a rocking chair gives you
the thrill you once got from a roller coaster.

Women over fifty don't have babies because they'd forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

The man who is a pessimist before forty-eight knows too much; if he is an
optimist after it, he knows too little.
-Mark Twain, author (1835-1910)

My mind not only wanders --- sometimes it leaves me completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until
the thought goes away.

God put us on earth to accomplish a number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

If you're taken hostage, the older you are
the closer your name will be
to the top of the release list.

Stress reducer: Put a bag over your head. Mark it
"Closed for remodeling."  Caution -- leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, now my body's falling apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not just saying the right thing at the right time, but also leaving unsaid the wrong thing at the moment of  greatest temptation.

Time may be the great healer, but it's
a lousy beautician.

The best way to forget your troubles
is to wear tight shoes.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The nice part of living in a small town
is that when you don't know what you're doing,
your neighbors do.

The older you are the tougher it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat are really good friends.

We can live without sex, but not without Tums.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

Life may begin at forty, but it also begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday,
today snuck up on me.

Sometimes I'm sure I understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.

Memory moderates prosperity, decreases adversity, controls youth and delights old age. -Lactantius Firmianus (c. 260 - c. 340 AD)

If at first you don't succeed, see if the losers get anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old;
you grow old because you stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I would appreciate
a little more cheese.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet
for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down
and spreads out around your middle.

Age is only beneficial if you're a cheese.

The only time a woman wishes she were
a year older is when she's pregnant.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside us is a thin person struggling to get out,
but she can be sedated with a few pieces
of chocolate cake.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED"
is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember any of it.

Age is just too high a price for maturity.

Page created Mar. 1, 1999
Updated 12/2004
Unless noted, origins unknown