Erincita

Monday, August 19, 2002

I think I'm one of those people who hates going to weddings, baby showers, bridal showers etc. I don't know why. Is it because I'm still single? I'm only 23, for goodness' sake! Even so, I was at church last night and was surprised at how happy I was to see my friend from church, who was happy to see me too despite my absence at her bridal shower. She had a beautiful baby boy a few months ago and I'm so glad that she's now going to marry her boyfriend. I'm not sure if he's a Christian, but he now claims to be and has made the promise to raise his boy in a Christian home. I think that as long as he loves her and his son, one should not force the baby to grow up without two parents, whether they share the same faith or not.
As for my Christian walk, I'm still having trouble with it. I know for sure that I want to return to Christ, and with that decision alone He has revealed His mercy and forgiveness for my past transgressions. The trouble is that I have to surrender everything to Him, and putting Him first means thinking of what's most precious to me and laying it down at His feet. I know already that through His grace, my worst sin can't be twisted and bent into blessing, but my heart and mind are in a battle. I believe it will hurt me in the end, but I'm putting off the end as long as I can.

11:10 AM |

Sunday, August 11, 2002

I have a new job, mostly to keep me from getting bored as I wait for the INS to do their job and, hopefully, hire me. My dear, sweet friend Karen recommended me to her boss in a company called Uppercrust Catering, who hired me after a simple phone call. My first job was yesterday, and I really enjoyed it. It's hard, honest work, and there's something very satisfying in that. I'm getting exercise, working directly with people and keeping very busy, all the while getting paid. I love to host dinner parties, and this is almost the same, except I don't know the people I'm hosting. I was put in charge of the bar and spent the night pouring drinks (wine, beer, soda and champagne to toast the newlyweds). One of the funny parts was seeing these people return to the table time and again, noticeably more tipsy than the last time. I worked with 3 other girls: Glenda, Ginga, and Maria Jose (the lead), taking care of everything from tableclothes to dishwashing. The hardest part was the cleanup, because by that time we were already exhasted and after 11pm we had to vaccuum, mop and load up all the glasses, plates and linens in their respective boxes and load them up in the van. I worked straight through from 4:30 to about midnight, with about 10 minutes to have some pasta (it wasn't very good, which is why it was the only dish that the guests didn't finish). It's amazing what work can do for you. I'm much happier. :)

8:13 PM |

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

I haven't written because, frankly, I've been rather depressed lately. Still no job, and I've made the mistake of hanging all of my hopes and longings for "a life" on the question of whether or not I'll get it. I was pondering this the other night and realized that the last time I was devastated by a letdown was when I didn't make first cuts for the Mercer Island Drill Team...and then I didn't make it onto the Junior Varsity Basketball Team. "Dana's little sister". I was treated as such by her team mates, and I loved the novelty of being "lil' purce" while Dana was "purcey". I was crushed for the first part of the evening, until my parents decided that the extra time left open by lack of practices gave me the time I needed to train for Amigos de las Americas, the trip that led me to Paraguay and, in my mind, the insatatiable love of all things Latin American that still consumes me. Looking back, I see how these "devastating" losses are so trivial, and that they were necessary not only to build character, but to make dreams that I didn't even know I had become a reality. I'm 23 years old with the rest of my life ahead of me. I will admit, however, that it doesn't feel like a life yet. My so-called life is pretty uneventful and the only external force pushing me in any direction is Phil, whose status is very nebulous at the moment. I can still say that I admire his intelligence to no end, but I left him in such a huff last night that I don't know why he keeps forgiving me. I don't know if it's just hormones or if angst is snowballing until it potentially blows up in my face, but I get to the point where the "little things" bare their teeth so boldly that I can't stand it. The things that kept me from dating him were things I knew I had to accept as a friend, but knew full-well I could not accept as a girlfriend. Being someone's girlfriend means being associated with that significant other: his views, his interests, and his "hobbies". Church on Sunday was about reaping and sowing; being aware that you won't see the harvest right after the planting, but that you will reap eventually, and that your harvest will be sin or joy depending on what you have sown. Pastor Mark made a poin of reminding us that this isn't equivalent to karma, and I'm still trying to grasp that. I think it means that I may never see the harvest, so I may or may not be directly affected by my actions. My ties to the church and my feelings for Phil have kept me torn for some time. My girls are no longer suspicious of my absence. They know that I've been hiding something from them and may be gracious enough to take me back into their lives without an explanation. I can't go back to them, or God, with my whole heart yielding until I give up Phil, and every day I'm feeling more ready to do that. It may be stupidity, but I prefer to say that it's the few precious remnants of innocense I still possess that allow me to hope for more from him, so that there can be more for us. It has taken many exhibitions of his pig-headedness to convince that he will not change, and I have to fight off the thought that he won't change "because he doesn't love me enough". Even if that was the reason, I never indicated that he should invest too much in our relationship. In my hopes, Georgia sits the horizon, and all the new and exciting things in that place that will include problems. New problems, however, are good because they leave room for resolution.

12:07 AM |