Do you wonder what the company really means when they describe a game? Every occupation has its own jargon, and the following translations may make it easier for you to understand what both companies and reviewers are saying (the shame is that much of this tongue-in-cheek article has more than its share of truth).
"easily runs on your computer": Possesses the sophistication of a program which could be run on a hand-held abacus.
"uses all the power of your computer": The game cannot be played unless your personal gaming machine is a Cray networked into a Sun station.
superb AI: The designer could not get the multi-player options to work, cf. excellent multi-player capability (infra).
"excellent multi-player capability": The artificial intelligence does not work, cf. superb AI (infra).
neural network artificial intelligence: The designer had no idea of how to program the AI to play the game, so he chose a random play factor, and called it "computer learning by example".
heuristic game play: The designer is a New Age fanatic with insufficient programming expertise to come up with the concept of a neural network artificial intelligence (infra).
"and now, the sequel ...": More of the same, repackaged with additional graphics.
"intuitive interface": The publisher did not include a manual.
"nonstop action": No plot.
"get the strategy guide to get the most out of the program": The manual coming with the program is completely useless and you will be lucky to get the program to load, much less run, without the strategy guide (coincidentally written by the game designer).
"accurately reflects fog-of-war": Not even the designer could understand what the program is doing.
"a faithful translation of the boardgame": Takes all the boring aspects of a boardgame and programs them into a computer while totally ignoring the computer medium itself.
"the best flight sim since ...": This time you can empty the ashtrays.
"the best strategy game since Civilization...": A Civilization clone totally lacking any social redeeming value.
"the most realistic computer wargame ever released...": More details and tedium on the 19th Panzer Division than even its commander ever wanted to know.
"the most playable computer wargame ever released...": The 19th Panzer Division and Caesar’s Tenth Legion are interchangeable in the game.
Windows 95 compliant: The programmer has heard of Windows 95.
"runs on DOS": The programmer has never heard of Windows 95.
"we’ve blown the critics away": The publisher refused to send out review copies and threatened the family members of certain reviewers.
Revised: January 01, 2001.
Copyright © 2001 M. Evan Brooks. All rights reserved.
All trademarks or product names mentioned herein are the property of their respective
owners.